-image-Name something…

December 27, 2005 | Uncategorized

I love game shows. I always have. I can remember watching The Price is Right while eating my pb&j sandwich before catching the bus to afternoon kindergarten. I can remember the guy on Press Your Luck who kept winning (into the next day’s episode) because he had memorized the patterns of the flashing “random” game board. Remember Summer Bartholomew on Sale of the Century? How about when you had to buy prizes with your winnings from the Wheel of Fortune…”and of course, I’ll take the porcelain dalmatian for $200, Pat!”? What about the celebrity has-beens whose second chance at fame led them to game shows instead of the Surreal Life? Charles Nelson Reilly on Charades? Markie Post on the $10,000 Pyramid…although seriously, she was better at this game than acting like a lawyer on Night Court. Ah fond childhood memories for me.

Well, now that I’m staying home with Jojo, I can watch Family Feud! This show not only allows for families to play for a chance at $20,000, it also serves as an example of the failing American educational system. But the beauty of the United States is that stupid people can win, too– so screw education!

Let’s play…The Feud!!

Question: Name a country that people admire.
Stupid contestants: Before I tell you what was said, I must set the stage… this was a chance for a family (of five seemingly functioning adults) to “steal the points” from the opposing family who gave all but one of the possible answers. So, this family had heard and seen several different countries that were or were not correct. Anyhoo, the family clapped and nodded and were sure that one of their two possibilities would win the points: Europe or Africa. Europe or Africa. Five people thought that one of these two continents would be on the board as an admired country. continent…country. big difference. And it wasn’t just one stupid family member who didn’t know this– all five were clapping and nodding and proud of their two obvious choices. So, they confidently chose Europe. And they were really surprised when they got the BIG, RED ANGRY X. Seriously.

Question: Finish this phrase: “Back to…”
Stupid contestant: “the grocery store” X

Question: Name something your doctor may tell you to give up which would upset you.
Stupid contestant: your baby X

Question: Name a “Peter” from a children’s story or rhyme.
Stupid contestant: Peter Ryan X
Stupid contestant’s sister: Peter Pickle X

1 person surveyed. Top four answers are on the board. Here is the question:
Name a reason why you give such idiotic answers.
Survey says:
#4 - bright studio lights blind me, thus rendering me incapable of thinking clearly
#3 - forced clapping is jostling my pea brain
#2 - i’m so nervous to be on tv…ohmygod– look at me! I’M ON TV!!!
#1 - i’m as dumb as a box of rocks

-image-Here’s a clue…or two…

December 26, 2005 | Uncategorized

so that you aren’t known as the suckiest gift-giver in the family:

Do not give gifts to parents that are meant for their baby. I don’t wear size 12-18 month overalls. My son does. Now where’s my gift, cheapskate?

If a gift list or ideas are given to you, use them. Consider it a stress-reducer…a gift in and of itself! And guess what? The recipient will love love love the gift because THEY WANTED THE DAMN THING IN THE FIRST PLACE, NOT A BUNCH OF UGLY ASS HANDPAINTED PLACEMATS, NAPKINS, BIG FABRIC SQUARES AND LITTLER FABRIC SQUARES!! What are all these different squares for anyway? I’ve never seen Martha use them…

Provide gift receipts. It’s difficult NOT to obtain a gift receipt these days. Just stick it on the back. You’re not saying “this gift sucks so here’s the receipt!” You’re saying “in case it doesn’t fit or you already have something like it, I want to make it easy for you to return and find something you do like.” And if your gift does not allow for a gift receipt (like, for example, handpainted craft crap… have I beat the horse enough yet?), then perhaps you should rethink the gift.

Do not wrap and give items which you were planning to give someone as part of their inheritance (such as grandpa’s camera or grandma’s shawl) as a holiday gift. That’s cheating.

If you decide to give all of the women, for example, the same bracelet, make sure ALL OF THE WOMEN get the bracelet then. Because the woman who doesn’t get the bracelet and let’s say gets some ugly-ass handpainted placemats will realize how much you don’t like her… even though she’s fabulous. Not that she liked the bracelet anyway.

SAY THANK YOU AND SEND THANK YOU CARDS. Even if you receive thoughtless, crappy placemats and a pair of newborn sized overalls…for pete the pelt’s sake… find something nice to say about the item and then send a thank you card. If anything, you will exercise your creativity.

Ok, my venting is complete. Well, at least on that subject. for now. If I stumble on any more bad gifts, I may be back.

In the holiday spirit…