Archive for January, 2006
-image-PANAMAAAAA
As in Van Halen’s wicked awesome hit….Pan-ah-mah-ha-ah-ah-ah-ahh, which Suzanne enthusiastically and incorrectly sings as “An-i-ma-ah-ah-ah-ah-al!!!” Anyhooo Panama is the setting for the new Survivor. I’m sure you’ve all heard about the radical changes: 4 tribes of 4, pitting men against women and old versus young; Exile Island– where one Survivor is sent after each challenge to survive on one’s own and look for the hidden immunity idol. I’m not sure what I think yet of the 4/4 tribe divide, but I’m all about hidden immunity idols and people being exiled.
What I’m not about? Annoying, embarassing contestants. There are always a few each season that drive me to drink. And I’m breastfeeding, so I really shouldn’t be drinking. Therefore, I hope some of the first permanently exiled will be…
Meet Courtney, a 31 year old performance artist (start the eyes a-rollin’). This is her hair before she’s lost use of shampoo, conditioner and electricity on Survivor. I especially love (eye roll) her list of previously held jobs: massage therapist (uh huh), snowmaker, trailblazer, importer and she also “helped deliver luxury yachts across the Atlantic Ocean and the Caribbean Sea.” What? HUH? This is allll very sketchy. I foresee a Smoking Gun discovery on this chica before the first tribal council.
Then there’s Melinda, voted “Most Likely To Get Offered a Walk-On Part on Passions After The Last Torch is Snuffed.” Read her bio. Please. She has entertained 10s of people at the following venues: Six Flags over Georgia, a cruise ship and… Dollywood. Christ. She’s sooo getting booted. I mean like yesterday.
And finally… Nick, from Arizona. He lists “musty dive bars” as one of his favorite scents. His favorite actresses? Mary-Kate and Ashley. You know him. You dated him in college. He does laundry once a semester and took you out to The Olive Garden for your big night away from campus. His sticky bathroom floor and crusty toilet are laced with pubes. Exile him now, before he drinks all of the wine at the reward challenge and wakes up in a pool of his own vomit, which you step in on your way to your favorite treetoilet.
Possible hookup: Nick and Courtney, as both brainiacs list “The Economist” as their favorite magazine. Yup, I’m sure those are the mags stacked next to Nick’s toilet…
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
11:35 am |
-image-theeeeeeyyyyyy’rrrreeeee baaaaaaacccckkkkkkk
the hormones. Those crazy hormones. Not as bad as they were after giving birth, but still… who cries during a commercial for Skating with Celebrities? Seriously. As my husband said, “get a grip.” I guess he’s taking the tough love approach.
Speaking of tough love, when are the judges going to boot Scuzzetor* on Project Runway? Well, Kara or Scuzzetor should be next to leave, nevertheless. If not or their hideous hair, alone… the side-mounted top bun of Kara’s rivals Scuzzetor’s scuzzy frizzfest for worst reality hair. But back to fashion… Andrae should beat it after that, leaving Chloe, Daniel V. and Nick in the final three.
*Scuzzetor (proper noun): a tall, skeletal-skinny person (like Skeletor from He-Man) who also sports scuzzy/frizzy hair. Current examples: Santino from Project Runway. Similiar to just plain Skeletor (Skeletor the original, animated, and Maria Shriver, non-animated) and Freaketor (that Jesse Camp guy from MTV’s VJ search).
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
10:59 am |
-image-Very Harsh
So I finally sent this link to my best friend. I’ll call her… uzanne-Say. I don’t know if she knew it was my blog, which mystifies me, but she said it was “very harsh” and she expected something negative about Selma Blair. Is that…she expected me to fill my blog with anti-Blair rants or that she only expects me to forward her things anti-Blair related? I do not know…she’s all busy negotiating a new job, contemplating selling her house and moving out of state for said job and juggling several other (I’ll admit) more important matters. Fine.
I’ll tackle this and Selma Blair another time. And Janeane Garofalo’s eyebrows.
But in my defense…I can be nice. Seriously! My husband has been sick, and I’ve made him soup and tea. Not that it was homemade soup or anything, but I did pop the top and heat with love. And I can be sensitive, too. Why just today I cried while singing “Bridge Over Troubled Water” to Jojo. And I can’t read “I Love You Forever” to him without breaking down at least 4 times. And it’s not just related to Jojo. If I need to submit stories to support these attributes, I’ll do so. But I’m pretty sure everyone (n=2) reading this knows me personally and can attest to my occasional softheartedness. But who wants to read a feel good blog? Not my hardened, bitter friends.
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
11:40 am |
-image-Feel Up
I’m hosting a baby shower for my friend Amber. As usual, I’m stressing out because I don’t want my first shower hosting gig to result in a sucktacular shower. First, I must ask…why don’t people RSVP? Christ on a cracker, people, I gave you my phone number AND email address. Second, holy crap why did I offer to host when I’m totally down on my party-throwing skillz?! I can’t even correctly time our dinners of frozen bagged pasta and pre-washed, bagged salad. UGH STRESS.
One of the more fun (yet still stressful) challenges is to come up with a unique shower game, as the same games seem to be creeping up lately. Well, obviously, I took to the internet in search of some original baby shower games. I found this freakydeaky game without even trying:
Feel Up
contributed by Cheryl (ed. note: Cheryl? You’re a freak.)
Two guests stand in the middle of the room facing each other. The host(ess) or a designated person then blindfolds each player. The hostess then strategically places 5 clothespin on each player. The players then must “feel Up” the other player to find the clothespins on the other player. Whomever gets the most clothespins in the designated time (usually 1 minute) is the WINNER!
Yeah, that’s a GREAT game, Cheryl. Good idea. I’m sure Amber’s mother-in-law won’t mind being groped in her partner’s quest for that scented candle prize pack.
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
8:14 am |
