-image-Leather handbags

May 1, 2006 | a girl's gotta shop,vacation

Seriously. Has no one in Fort Myers heard of skin cancer? Jojo and I are the only pale faces down at the pool. Yesterday in particular, surrounding the pool were a variety of leather handbags, I mean, old people who were amazingly nutty brown and wrinkled. Ridiculous. Maybe they realize it’s too late so why not just save money on sunscreen and instead use the savings to purchase a few more bingo cards. Obviously, I’m not coming home with any color. At all. I’m still al-fucking-bino, thankyouverymuch KeMo.

Other fun facts about Fort Myers…apparently*, this area has the highest concentration of sex offenders in the state. Fabulous. (*source: weird lady at Target who I thought was just talking to me to ask me to move my cart from in front of the blood pressure machine but no, in fact, she wanted to lecture me about leaving my purse in the cart because she’s taking classes in criminal justice and blahblahstinkinblah – insert claim that my purse is actually located on my SHOULDER and the purse in the cart is for purchase and only filled with useless tissue paper — still doesn’t matter because she really wants to tell me about her criminal justice classes and right now she’s taking three classes, one of them on terrorism and … seriously lady… bombs and $10 worth of ingredients from Walgreens and Dateline and internet perverts and boy is her blood pressure high (yours? mine is rising rapidly…wonder why?) and then the fun fact about sex offenders in Fort Myers. People. Seriously.) But onto the serious issues. I didn’t end up buying the purse which was in my cart. I know that’s a shocker to my friends. I actually bought a purse earlier that I’m having buyer’s remorse over. It’s a Coach purse. I’ve actually never owned a Coach purse. With good reason– I ruin everything I own. So you’ll understand why I have major buyer’s remorse when I further explain that the purse is WHITE. LILY WHITE. And not leather white– fabric white. It’s just beckoning to all ballpoint pens, lipstick, and all assorted dirt or sweet potato puree on my son’s hands. What the HELL was I thinking? We’re leaving for home in the a.m., so I have less than 10 hours before the outlet mall closes. I need to return it, right? It will never stay clean and considering I can’t clean the house, I’ll never make time to spot clean the purse with ivory soap (only Ivory soap) and a soft bristled brush. Oh my god I have to get back to the condo and take back this stupid ass purse. The clock is ticking.