Dog poop…not the deterrent you think it is
June 11, 2006 | Uncategorized
Last week, Jojo and I were hanging out in the front yard, chatting with my neighbor D while her kids (the generous ones who bestow awesome used toys on Jojo) sprayed us with water sprayed the anal neighbor’s new Jetta with water sprayed passing motorists with water played in the sprinkler. Another neighbor kid, YELLING BOY, was also over YELLING IN HIS TYPICAL MANNER ABOUT BEING SPRAYED AND WELL, EVERYTHING IN GENERAL.
Suddenly, all the kids were in my yard, pointing at and YELLING ABOUT a ginormous pile of shit they’d noticed earlier in the day. We don’t have roaming packs of dogs in our neighborhood. We don’t even have strays. So where DID this poop come from? I wanted to know. The kids wanted to know. America wanted to know. Is some jackass letting their dog shit in my yard? And it’s not like close to the road poop– it’s closer to my house than the road. TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE AND WRONG. Now look who’s yelling.
I’d tried to get to the bottom of it by questioning those who made the gruesome discovery, but the kids weren’t much help. The 7 year old boy next door reminded me that they don’t have a dog. And the YELLING BOY FROM DOWN THE STREET DOESN’T HAVE A DOG EITHER BUT THEY DO HAVE 13 PETS (which he then proceeded to name…). I decided that YELLING BOY must have shat in my yard, so I said, “YELLING BOY… did you poop in my yard? I really wish you wouldn’t do that!” He gave me a big toothless grin and then jetted off to do several big laps around the pile all the while YELLING GIBBERISH. Ok, so maybe he didn’t poop in my yard.
Surrounded by confused children, holding onto Jojo and surveying the crime scene, I was forced to put aside the investigation when I noticed that 7yearoldboy was removing rocks from our rock retaining wall and pushing them down into the ground where my husband and I attempt to plant flowers. 7yroldboy noticed me watching him and informed me that they always take apart our wall when we’re not home. Oh that’s comforting. Great. Spending more time and money fixing something that should not need fixing immediately upped my blood pressure, so I took a deep breath and asked him to please not take the rocks out from the wall because it weakens the wall. I smiled. He smiled. He’s an extremely kind boy, but he really wanted to take the small rocks from the wall. So, he picked one up and threw it into the yard. BLATANT DISREGARD FOR MY AUTHORITY! I mean, ahhh children… testing limits… questioning authority…starting to piss me off.
I was annoyed and kind of scared– how should I handle this? His mom had gone inside her house with the daughter, so it was all my game. I had to be firm but not a complete bitch. And I definitely couldn’t swear. With my “Let’s All Be Happy” voice and a big smile, I said “Oh 7yearoldboy! We don’t want that rock in the grass! What would happen if MyHusband should run over it with the mower? Let’s put it back in the wall, where it should remain for as long as we live here, but if we should ever move, have at it!” I picked up the rock and put it back in its little place in the wall. 7yearoldboy asked again if he could slowly yet deliberately wreck our wall, but I gave him an explanation using big words like “foundation” and “no” and “I’d really rather you not.” He then asked if they (YELLING BOY WAS FINALLY DONE WITH HIS LAPS) could throw rocks into my yard. That was it. I’d had enough. “No,” I said. “The next person to throw a rock has to pick up the poop.”
“EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW” YELLING BOY YELLED.
7yearoldboy smiled. I thought he’d finally “got it.”
His mom was back outside and the kids dispersed again.
And then…just a few minutes later…
“CAN I THROW A ROCK? I WANT TO THROW A ROCK! I WANT TO THROW A ROOOOOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!”
“But YELLING BOY, you’ll have to pick up the poooooop!” I reminded him.
“I DON’T CARE! I DON’T CARE! I’LL PICK UP THE POOP! I’LL PICK UP THE POOP!!” He was really excited now about the poop. Trust me.
“Uh, what?” queries my concerned neighbor, D.
I filled her in on my *ingenious* poop deterrent system…which apparently wasn’t so brilliant after all considering now YELLING BOY really wanted to pick up the poop and throw rocks in my yard.
FOILED! Problem solved though… D said “No, YELLING BOY.” And done. Interesting technique.
But really, who lost in this whole dog poop incident? My husband. No, not because he picked up the poop. I forgot about the poop until this morning. I went out and checked on it. It’s still there, but now it’s flattened like a big ol’ dog poop waffle…with grill marks reminiscent of my husband’s running shoes. Well, shit.
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June 12th, 2006 at 2:58 pm, Silly Hily Says:
chuckle, chuckle, snort
“use big words like….’no’…” HA!
My rule is, if you leave your kids with me, they will be treated just as I treat my own. Which would mean, “touch one more rock and I will crack your ass!”
Kidding, only, not really.
June 12th, 2006 at 4:13 pm, Isabel Says:
I think YELLING BOY should be more of a star player on your blog. Because he makes me laugh.
June 13th, 2006 at 9:01 am, alison Says:
i think I like YELLING BOY because i picture owen meany.
June 13th, 2006 at 11:31 am, wordgirl Says:
A kid who dismantles your rock wall? What the hell? I would not be as nice as you about the whole thing.
June 13th, 2006 at 12:18 pm, Nap Queen Says:
OMG, I would tell 7yearoldboy to keep him grimy 7yearoldhands off my wall.
And as for the poop? I sometimes see women running in our neighborhood with their dogs off the leash. That has got to be one of my top 5 pet peeves. The dogs run through the yards pooping wherever they desire. Asses.
June 13th, 2006 at 2:29 pm, HollowSquirrel Says:
I think there’s a leash law in our neighborhood. Plus, lots of kids, so people usually walk their dogs with the leashes. What’s with your neighborhood and these stupid women who leave their dog’s crap everywhere? You should carefully collect it then launch it at them next time they run by (hypothetically…). Bastards!