-image-How Much

August 31, 2006 | Uncategorized

A quiz for you!

1. How much do you want to see Jojo in this Elvis Kayne inspired Halloween costume?

2. How long would it take for Jojo to rip the dead skunk pompadour from his head in a fit of red-faced rage? And how much would you love to see the video of said fit?

3. How much do you loathe Jeffrey? DUDE. Let it go. And don’t screw with someone else’s mom, jackass. And you’re not a rockstar. You’re an ugly (both inside & out– congrats!) jackass.

4. How much do you heart Michael Knight? Who would think to make sweet ass cargo pants out of seersucker? And then pull them OFF like he did all struttin’ down the runway? Michael retains top position on the spreadsheet. (Uli is still a strong second, followed by Laura, Jeffrey, Kayne and finally, que sopresa!, Vincent.)

5. Vincent? How much more can we take? What was WITH his hair? It was all flat and combed over and totally weird and why am I surprised?

6. How much did I curse myself for not having my camera phone with me on my recent trip to Marshall’s? Standing tall and creepy amongst their home decor selections was this ginormous sage green mummy. No, I’m not kidding. And no, I don’t think it was suppose to be a campy Halloween decoration. It was friggin SCARY, people. I gasped, stared, then swore for not having my camera. But honestly, it was a skeleton wrapped in a thin layer of light sage greenish gray gauze. The hands were folded on the chest, and it was honestly the creepiest thing I’d ever seen in Marshall’s…and that includes their entire stock of slutty juniors’ clothing.

But back to PR3, I don’t think Uli has to worry, although she has to design something less Uli-like for the next challenge. The person who needs to worry (and we know he will) is Kayne. The person who apparently need not worry is Vincent, because the producers will keep him around until the final three. He cannot possibly make the final 3, right? Right? No, there’s no way. But then again, this is coming from the girl who was out of the country when the finale of Survivor (first season) aired, and all the way home, avoiding all magazines and all accounts of the finale, swore over and over that “at least Richard won’t win. At least Richard won’t win. He can’t win, right?” Yah.

-image-Oh hot damnation

August 30, 2006 | Uncategorized

I totally forgot to mention Project Runway. I finally updated my Spreadsheet. You know the one. And here are the scores from highest to lowest based on my fabulous(ly somewhat scientific) point system:

Michael (7)
Uli (7)
Kayne (4)
Laura (2)
Angela (-1)
Jeffrey (-2)
Vincent (-2)

So, with the bottom three being total nutjobs, and the fight for third being between Kayne & Laura, one of the nutjobs is sure to go tonight. Could it be that “one day you’re in, and the next day you’re out” finally applies to someone…like Vincent?

Of course, he’ll probably be back to “help” the final three during their crunch to finish their collections, like leggings and saddlebag-length, horizontal striped sweaters.

-image-Nice Face

Uncategorized

This was Jojo’s reaction when his little friend Flip stole his pacifier. It was also the same reaction when Flip stuck his own pacifier into Jojo’s mouth. I guess Jojo isn’t into sharing pacifiers. And that is fine with mommy.

OH classic. Mr. Squirrel is cleaning up the living room after I just went meltdown on him upon arriving home from running errands to find the Mets game on and allll the leftover food from dinner (both ours and Jojo’s) festering on the sticky dining room table. ARGH Mrs. Squirrel ANGRY. Don’t fuck with an angry squirrel. That’s my advice to you. That and clean up the g.d. kitchen and dining room after Jojo goes to bed for fuck’s sake. Oops. I’m bitter.

So I had run out to Best Buy to purchase a new digital camera (it was an early anniversary gift to ourselves) as our prior one was outputing craptacularly grainy and subpar pictures (see above photo quality, although photo subject is remarkably cute and squeezable). Then I “got lost” on the way back to the car and picked up a couple of items for our upcoming trip, because I always freak out that I have NOTHING TO WEAR when we go overseas, as everyone appears so effortlessly chic and I’m chunked out in jeans and shoes that never quite work with cobblestones. I scored some weird olive green Sketchers. I’m serious. But I think they’ll work even with black shirts. Please tell me that will work. Please? Just lie to me, because I was all alone and 2 of 3 people I asked said that was ok.

I also purchased a boring, ridiculously thin black shirt at the Gap. And a gorgeous blue sweater which (color) they don’t sell on their site apparently. These were not things I needed. Oh well. I tried to buy a pretty long sleeved shirt at J. Crew but was ignored by two of their stellar employees, so I left my shirt at the desk and stormed off. I should have taken down a few racks on my way out, but I didn’t want them to bump into my shiny new camera!

P.S. Mr. Squirrel is taking pictures of the Mets game. On tv. He says he’s testing the camera. But I think he just hearts Jose Reyes. And really…can you blame him?

-image-Work Update — Part Two

August 29, 2006 | Uncategorized

Yesterday, I walked out of my office into the hallway and was confronted with the thick stank of pee. Urine.

It smelled like someone took a leak in the hallway. I quickly retreated to my office and shut the door. But I had to go to a meeting in less than a minute, so I had to catch my breath and head out amidst the urea cloud.

What the F? I work in an OFFICE BUILDING. There is NO reason for strong urine smell so far from the bathroom. When I passed the reception desk on the way to the meeting, I gauged another coworker’s face to see if she smelled the pee, but she acted like nothing was wrong. Obviously, she peed herself, and we were just suppose to ignore it? I don’t know. That’s my only idea. Screw the white elephant in the room– we have a piss yellow elephant.

No coffee. Offices that used to be infirmary rooms. People peeing themselves. The forces of evil lurk in these halls. Can ghosts pee? That is the question of the day.

-image-Coffee Club– I’m out.

August 25, 2006 | Uncategorized

I thought I’d take a break from wishing painful genital blisters on the evil executives at Northwest Airlines to give you all an update on the work sitch.

Bah humbug, the coffee club was disbanded. Isn’t the first rule of Coffee Club to “Brew Coffee?” Uh not so much… maybe I wouldn’t have even been invited in. Because apparently the first rule of Coffee Club was “Disband if the fearless leader and creator of wonderful Club decides not to drink coffee any more for medical reasons but the rest of you no-good lollygaggers won’t pony up some responsibility and carry on.” So there ya go. There is NO coffee brewing anywhere in the building.

How do these people make it through the day? Has a Meth Club formed instead? I mean, really. I don’t see THAT many Dunkin Donuts cups in the morning, so what’s the deal? I may have to further investigate, which may decrease my productivity, but if they would just give us some goddamn coffee to begin with, we wouldn’t have these investigations.

I did learn, however, that in the building next to ours, a Starbucks will be opening shortly. At first, I danced a jig, but then I realized that the building is 100 yards and while that seems a short distance to you, dear reader, if you saw the path I would have to take to get to there (pediatrian-unfriendly crosswalk to sidewalk to another pedestrian-unfriendly crosswalk and then back again… in the SNOW, cuz winter is just around the corner), you’d plead with me to find another way to score some joe. Unless you dislike me, then you’d probably encourage me to RUN to Starbucks and don’t bother looking both ways– those cars will see you just fine. Ok, AND, plus, Starbucks carries pastries and other fatty breakfast selections which I’m addicted to, even if they’re usually dry and not too special. I still am unable to order just a coffee (ahem, grande half-caf skim vanilla latte) without blurting out “and uh maple oat scone/iced fatty cake fat/saddlebag muffin, please.”

I think I’m going to bring in my own coffeemaker and celebrate the caffeinated moments of my life in my office. Sans $3 muffin. Right? I can do this, right? What could possibly go wrong?

-image-I hate Northwest Airlines

August 23, 2006 | Uncategorized

I hate them. They are evil. They suck. And I’m not even talking about how awful they are to their employees… that alone warrants hate that transcends the return of leggings.

I’m talking about $979.72 worth of hate. That’s how much it costs for Jojo to fly to europe. These tickets were not purchased last minute. Nor are they tickets for first class. When I called to check on this obvious mistake (”oh silly Mr. Squirrel, I’m sure they made an error because everyone know even if you buy a seat for an infant, the airlines only charge you a percentage of the standard adult fare”). Unless you’re a greedy, evil soul-sucking satan pig.

Hello? Meet Northwest Airlines.

$979.72? Really?

When I composed myself and made the call, I tackled two issues: our seats and the cost.

As was issued by some brainiac reservation agent, two of our family members were seated in a section of 3 seats (one on the window), while the other was across the aisle and over someone else. So, it went Squirrel, Squirrel, STRANGER, aisle, STRANGER, Squirrel. When I inquired as to the logic of this placement, I was told that aisle seats are “choice seats.” You have to fucking pay more now for a fucking aisle seat. Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME? Those were my exact words. Oh no, the reservationidiot told me, if you sit in the back half of the plane (sub-coach, apparently…the scrubs section?), you can basically sit anywhere. I’m guessing they’ve just removed the seats and are providing complimentary bales of hay. Well, I take that back. I bet there’s a hay surcharge on our receipt somewhere. And the bulkheads? FORGET IT. Everyone and their brother has suggested we get a bulkhead seat, as if they’re free and easy to score. Not so much. These precious seats are assigned at the airport and are a first come/first serve (or as I like to say, ‘whoever the ticket counter person likes the most’) basis. With my searing, scornful stare and sarcastic tone, I’ve pretty much relegated us to the back.

My head already shaking and my tone already annoyed, I still had to tackle the cost issue. Here, again, I was met with illogical explanations. Northwest Airlines… you are ridiculous, and I loathe you.

The agent told me that the cost of an infant seat was 25% off the cost of the adult ticket…

BitterSquirrel: “My ticket costs $1080. $979 is not 25% off $1080…it’s like 10% off.”
IdiotAgent: “Uh what? “

I repeat myself, she repeats herself. There’s not much new going on in the conversation, so I ask to speak with her supervisor. She asks to put me on hold so she can ask them a question, and fine, whatever.

Minutes later, she’s back with her new tagline: “The discount is applied to your return flight.”
BitterSquirrel: “ok… what about the flight TO europe?”
IdiotAgent: (assuming Corporate Policy Tone) “there are no children’s fare seats for this outbound flight.”
BitterSquirrel: (sounding, duh, BITTER) “excuse me?”
She repeats herself, my head explodes, and well, there we have it. They just don’t have children’s fares available on this flight. There’s no reason why, they just don’t. Is Jojo even allowed on the flight then? What does THAT MEAN? Despite my incredulous tones & inquiries, no answers were provided.

I guess it’s not Corporate Policy to state the truth: “we’re a bunch of moneygrubbing, greedy, evil rat-bastards who will come up with any and all ridiculous, insane policies to take more more MORE of our customers’ money. Oh, and NO peanuts for you.” Don’t get me started on the $1.00 bags of trailmix.

-image-100 Posts down…

August 22, 2006 | Uncategorized

and a few more to go.

Can you believe it? I’ve slopped together 100 posts? Time flies when you’re not too concerned about verb tense, interesting content and cohesive paragraphs.

Ok, so can we talk about Project Runway? I know you know, unless you’re hopelessly dense, that I heart this show like no other. And, I may have mentioned that I have an Excel spreadsheet. It’s time for me to share it with you, as it foresees the future: Fashion Week. And honey, it never saw you there. As much as I liked Alison and some of her designs, and although YES, clearly, you should not have been sent home this week (hello? Did anyone else SEE the hideousness that was Angela’s design? Well, and Vincent, but hello, I’m being parenthetical right now.), she was never going to be showing at Olympus Fashion Week, according to the scientifically sketchy HollowSquirrel Project Runway Standings and Results Spreadsheet, hereafter referred to as HSPRSRS. Should you find that difficult and you’re still here, then may I say: slow work day? Let’s just call it what it is… a Geeky Spreadsheet.

A quick disclaimer about Geeky Spreadsheet: um, I just made it up. Kind of like the spreadsheets I used to make for the Price is Right. Uh what? Yeah. I spent a lot of summers inside, highlighting the TV Guide, and collecting statistics on TPIR. Why? Because I’m a geek. And sad. Really, really sad. Other excuses include:
1. I’m allergic to everything outdoors.
2. Jumpy dogs, running rampant in the neighborhood– case closed.
3. I’m quasi-albino, so the sun is not my friend.
4. PLUS, we had air conditioning, so why bother with the evilness of said sun.

But back to my Geeky Spreadsheet: it’s not scientific. It holds no magical powers (besides the power to help me lose readers and long-time friends), and please don’t place money on my three finalists based on the Geeky Spreadsheet. And, can I just say that these team challenges throw me off. That’s where the unscientific parts emerge… I didn’t know how to classify the almost winners and almost losers for that pesky Macy’s challenge.

With that said, here are my current designer standings based on their performances.
1. Michael (6)
2. Uli (5)
3. Kayne (4)
4. Laura (2)
5. Angela/Jeffrey (0)
7. Robert (-1)
8. Vincent (-5)

The numbers to the right of the names indicate my current total score for each designer. Just how I got the number is too long and boring to share, but let me just say that Alison was clearly ahead of Vincent and Robert before the challenge, and if just based on numbers, should not have been auf’d. But, as is stated at the end of the show, decisions are made by the judges AND producers. I’ve always thought Uli would be in the final three, and I’d be shocked if she didn’t end up there. Michael not only can design, but he’s HUMBLE, (look it up, dickweed Jeffrey), nice and comfortable with himself. I heart Michael like I heart Tim Gunn. So much love eminating from HollowSquirrel.

It is without question that Vincent will not be showing at Fashion Week. The producers want him around because who doesn’t enjoy watching crazy? So don’t be surprised if Laura or Jeffrey head home before Vincent.

My pick for the third designer? It’s a toss-up between Robert and Kayne. Nina loathes Robert’s designs as of late, but I thought they loved his detailing and design early on, so I think there’s still hope. I could be wrong — maybe they’ll go for Jeffrey and throw my whole world in a tailspin. I kind of want to headbutt him, though, so the thought of having to listen to his delusions of fabulosity send a wicked headache my way. Begone bad thoughts. Begone.

What do you guys (who watch it…and for those of you who don’t… can you hear my disappointed sigh? Can you?) think?

And if that’s not enough PR3: the upcoming episode– what are your thoughts on who comes out from behind the screen? My immediate thought was that each of the designer’s mothers would be the muses for this challenge. Your thoughts? And if that’s true, I hope Tim caucuses with Vincent’s mother, because seriously… if she’s wearing a basketlike hat on her head, you’ll hear my cackle from here.

-image-Screw Snakes on a Plane

August 21, 2006 | Uncategorized

During one of my many trips around the yard, pulling Jojo in his Cozy Coupe (Mr. Squirrel attached a rope to the front, so no more Quasimodo…hump be gone!), I noticed an unsettling number of bees going in and out of a tiny hole in the lower left hand corner of the doors. Mama no fool, people. I know what’s up… there’s a SWARM IN THE BILCO DOORS. And now what? Uh…Mr. Squirrel suggests we wait until after the first frost to pry open the doors o’ death and throw out the empty nest that, gauging by the swarm members witnessed by yours truly, will dwarf my Corolla. Please don’t mock my house. I tried to crop out the rotting piece of wood currently holding up the drainage system (compliments of MacGyver Mr. Squirrel), but I couldn’t get it just right. So then, I decided to futz with the picture from the PhotoShop Bag o’ Tricks. A simple change to black & white (click) and how about the smudged edge (click) = the fugliest and saddest attempt at making something ugly not so. Normally, this equation would result in most certain (click) DELETE, but no. I decided to post its patheticness…but THEN, as if my endeavor did not fail well enough, Blogger steps in to give it the ol’ Blogger FuckaRoo:It frigging uploaded my picture sideways. WTF Blogger? Don’t make me sic my swarm on you.

I’m outta here, mom. You’re a total a-hole.

(Please tell me you got that joke. Please?) My little wacky crawler is, by the way, 10 months old today. He’s in double digits! Yay Jojo!

-image-I’m what you call…

August 17, 2006 | Uncategorized

in over my head. Working part-time blows. I know I just started, and I should give myself a chance, but … well … I hate it. As if I didn’t have enough to worry about wrapping my head around 2 “OH DEAR LORD WE HAVE TO GET THESE GOING YESTERDAY” projects, a phonebook-thick folder from human resources arrived, chock full of policies, procedures and checklists. Check this: I wanna quit. Where’s that form, cuz I’m getting my pen ready?

I’m at the “I don’t even know where to begin” stage of work, and it’s not a comfortable place to be. But at least my office neighbor feels secure enough to belt out songs from the Rent soundtrack at her desk. Oh I so may join in, if she doesn’t mind the disharmony. Do you think she’ll let me be Joann in “The Tango Maureen?”

Yesterday, Mr. Squirrel called, listened to my worried ramblings, and gave me a sweet, supportive pep talk. He’s so sweet. I almost cried. In fact, I still may, as the mix of emotions takes its toll on my Dunkin Donuts coffee-heightened nerves. And so WHAT that I got two donuts with my coffee. You wanna make something of it?

What’s on tap for today? Two meetings (hence the need for fully caffeinated coffee). I have a friggin table made — a side-by-side comparison of the two projects — with loads of questions. I should probably let people know ahead of time that I’m going to want answers (slam fists on table) ANSWERS DAMNIT!

mmmm boston creme….mmmmmmmmmmmm

-image-HS does not endorse street drugs…

August 16, 2006 | Uncategorized

Which Sesame Street Muppet’s Dark Secret Are You?

Grover on EcstasyYou’re funny, you’re loveable, you’re entertaining, you like to call yourself “Super Grover!”–You’re obviously on ecstasy. But that’s why we love you. Be careful, ok?
Take this quiz!

Quizilla
Join

Make A Quiz More Quizzes Grab Code

*thanks to VelociBadgergirl for pointing me here…although she actually posted personal news and commentary instead of just relying on the cuteness and hilarity of the quiz (*cough* showoff *cough*).

**and on a separate note, what’s WITH Blogger not ever letting me change my font to a small size? I hate this fricking 1st grade lined-paper huge font. I swear. I’m leaving Blogger. Who likes their server thingy (yes, I’m not too technical, if you hadn’t noticed)? Any ideas for new pretty banners, etc.? Blogger sucks my 3rd nipple.