-image-Who knew

January 31, 2007 | Uncategorized

I was so damned talented at PowerPoint?

Because I received several impassioned pleas to plot them on my (in)famous graph of Deep and Important Information, I’ve spent several hours creating this updated PowerPoint slide.

Yes. Some of you are STILL. NOT. PLOTTED. That’s because either you still cannot follow directions, you don’t give a rat’s ass and think I’m a shallow turd wrangler, or I missed your comment because HELLO Top Chef finale. Without further verbal diarrhea…

revised Slide #1:

No real surprises in Quadrant I– Stevo, Isabel and Sweet_Lis are good friends of mine for a reason! And Maya…this chica has good taste oozing from her ass. She classy. Like me! And Jeannette…fine, move on down to Quadrant II, whatever, you have a thing for dimples. I don’t see it, but hey, at least you have some company with -r-. Welcome to my coordinate system!

Before I delve into unchartered territory, let me just clear up something about Charlie Salinger. SURE, his hair was a tad straggly and messy, and YES, he wasn’t the best boyfriend all the time, but did you forget how poorly Bailey treated Sarah (JLove?). And he was always whining. Plus, and here’s my big point, Charlie is hott. He was way hot before he changed his name to Jack, went to medical school, got married, and then survived a plane crash on a whacked out island.

Ahem. Sorry. Please refer to Revised Slide #1 (above…follow my laser point, if necessary). Can anyone see the issue above? As I may have eloquently stated in a previous rant, no one resided in Quadrant III…the Land of Dimples & Death a la Commode. Yet. Now. I see Silly Hily there. I don’t know what to say. I think this may be a case of (saying) less is more because I’m just not getting it.

What they don’t teach you in Algebra? That simple exercises in plotting points in a Cartesian Coordinate system may, in fact, end friendships:

Slide #5?4? Does it matter?

-image-The Results are In… Are You on the Quadrant?

January 30, 2007 | Quadrant Plotting, TV/movie addiction

I have created a PowerPoint presentation to share with you the results of the all-important Quadrant Placement (also known as “Bailey…not nearly as HOTT as Charlie”):

Let’s begin the show…lights puh-lease.

Slide #1: As you can clearly see, two axes lie on this Cartesian Coordinate System:

The ‘x’ axis ranges from ELVIS to BEATLES. Thankfully, everyone knew who I meant. Unfortunately, not everyone could take a stand & declare their preference. These people are not on the quadrant (except for Rachel who I allowed to straddle the proverbial fence. You’re welcome. You’ve made … the quadrant).

The ‘y’ axis feautres the range of Charlie to Bailey.

Do you see me? It’s my plotting system and blog, so let’s talk about me first. I’m the sunshiney fancy point in the upper right quadrant (quadrant I). See me? I’m next to my good friend, Alison. She’s going to argue that she should have been placed further to the right, towards the Beatles end, and I agree with her. Me, too. I tried to plot people according to the strength of their likes/dislikes, but then again, I also watch tv while I do things, so I’m not always focused.
chicken pot chicken pot chicken pot pieeee.
What?

Oh yes. The quadrant. SO, those of you who share space with me in Quadrant I, enjoying the fine tunes from the Beatles and all the yumminess, scruffiness and ok-so-he-wasn’t-the-BEST-boyfriend-ness (but still…holy HOTNESS!) that was Charlie Salinger… welcome. And thank you. You’re my bestest: velocibadgergirl, AmyW, frannie, Alison, Sallyacious, Ewe are Here. I hear you. I heart you. Come. Sit with me and let’s watch some tv together.

I’m happy and not surprised in the weeee-ist bit to see that no one is in the opposite quadrant from me (that would be Quadrant III, naturally). I’ve met only a couple of people (coworkers) who place themselves in the Elvis/Bailey section…and let me tell you, I’ve got nothing in common with these people. NOTHING. They don’t “get” me. And I know what you’re thinking, yes, Britney is a whorebag. Oh wait. No, you were thinking that just before you came to my blog, but YES, how could people not get Mrs. Squirrel. What’s NOT to get? I know. But some people…some people, no matter how uninterested I seem with their stories, be it I type on my computer and pretend to be UBER busy and just reply to their annoying assinine stories with “uhs” and “mmms” and SERIOUSLY I have nothing to say to you which is why I never engage you in conversation so please stop standing next to my cube wall every single damn morning and telling me about your stupid boyfriend. Please. See? None of you are that person. Whew.

But -r-? Mr. Squirrel wants to know who you are and why you prefer Bailey to Charlie. Is it the dimples? Are you Charlie-blind and unable to see that he is walking sex (that’s trademarked. copyrighted. whatever. it’s mine. or so i like to pretend.)? I mean…really, inquiring minds want to know. I want to know (so not mine. I won’t pretend.). You’re all alone in Quadrant II. I’ll never understand your choice of Bailey over Charlie, but since I wouldn’t have to then fight you for him and we can sing along to the Beatles together, not to mention you live in my former haunt, I heart you.

Quadrant 4 dwellers…there are many of you, and that’s fine. I’ve plotted, without permission, my bff (Smitty) who shocked me during my Plotting Days (last decade) with her Elvis preference. This surprise (even Mr. Squirrel freaked out when he saw this) made me realize that (a) Elvis must not be as hideous as I believed and (b) I might actually enjoy the company of people who like The King. And I do, otherwise, you wouldn’t be on my blogroll and/or on the receiving end of a Squirrel Family Christmas Card. It also helped that I found out that I love the song “Suspicious Minds.” Thank you, American Idol, for opening my eyes to this and other important life lessons like… ok, they’re escaping me but I’m SURE they’re there.

Slide #2: As for the rest of you…

Yes, that’s you Isabel and Desiree. You know who you are. Seasons 1 and 2 are available on DVD.

Slide #3: Indecision 2007.

Seriously? You couldn’t decide. It was too much? Be thankful I didn’t go for my 3D graph. That would have BLOWN your minds. And really… NetFlix will send you Party of Five DVDs. I promise.

-image-Deep Thoughts Friday

January 26, 2007 | Quadrant Plotting, Deep Thoughts Friday, TV/movie addiction

I can usually tell how well I’ll get along with someone in my general age category by how they answer two questions. This won’t be a shocker for some of you, but I actually used to plot the answers on a quadrant.

Those whose answers placed them in my quadrant, I knew, would be fast and thick friends. Those in the opposite quadrant…well, that’s what small talk is for.

And then some people…some people didn’t get it at all, and those people didn’t make the quadrant.

Are you on the quadrant?

1. Bailey or Charlie?
2. Elvis or the Beatles?

====
Why you should be Tivoing The Knights of Prosperity on ABC:

Esperanza: As a poor little girl in Columbia, I always dreamed of having a pony. A white one with a thick golden mane and a single shiny horn in the forehead.

Rockefeller: That’s a unicorn, baby. They not for sale. They’s mythological.

-image-Read this post emidietly!

January 25, 2007 | Uncategorized

This time, they’re alive…and crawling.

Mind you, we don’t have scabies yet…but we might begin itching and developing sores in 3-6 weeks! Ah delayed infestation. Now who wants to come give us hugs?

But the good news continues, as on the same day, I saw this notation on the bottom of Jojo’s daily sheet:

“Jojo was being a little aggressive towards a few of the other kids. He would
hit them with toys, and pull them down to the floor. I redirect him
emidietly [sic] to do something else! But other than that, he had a good day.”

Perhaps they mistook Jojo’s style of hugging for Evil Head Squeezing?

Or his friendly back massages for pushing? Wha?

Ok fine. Yes. He was SO pushing him there. But in reference to that first picture (of Jojo, not the mite), that’s Jojo’s method for hugging his friend Flip.

I’ll be honest though. Yes, Jojo is going through an aggressive phase that all children do. Trust me. They do. Yeah, tell that to my friend Alison who stopped by this weekend. I read her the memo and the look of horror on her face almost made me laugh. I know it’s not funny, but really, all kids go through this. It’s my responsibility to shape his behavior, but I don’t think we have a young Ted Bundy on our hands. I mean, would Ted share his Cookie Monster with Flip?


Hell no! Ted woulda ripped Cookie’s head off and then run the torso over with his El Camino. Or whatever serial killers drive.

-image-Please excuse

January 24, 2007 | Uncategorized

our hideous bathroom. I mean, REALLY, when was this color toilet a good idea? What would J. Crew call it? Pebble? Mushroom bisque? I call it ‘a seat of perpetual disgust.’ I digress.

Lucky Mr. Squirrel had the camera at the ready to document this mismatched hooligan in the act of burglarizing his Own! Parents! Toothbrushes! Suspected of previous hairbrush disappearances, this 15 month old was caught with two toothbrushes and a tube of Berry Burst flavored toddler toothpaste. Who knows the devastation that might have occurred had not the troubled youth been apprehended and sent to play with this instead:

Which, ok, it seems like a harmless ball popper, but let me warn you: when the batteries are fresh, this puppy pumps out the balls, and you, the parent, will be diving and scurrying every which way to retrieve the balls.

-image-I’m it. And you might be next.

January 23, 2007 | Uncategorized

And by “it,” I mean tagged. He got me! And by HE, I mean, someone I don’t even know except that he’s a man, man, and he enjoys talking about crap tv (ah kindred spirits!). He blogs on Vox, where you need a bloody account to even view or comment. Crazy gated community! I found some other peeps I know there, too. Interesting how you stumble into a new world and find others already waiting for you there. Oh my GOD don’t let me start a blog here, too. I can’t handle the Vox. Or a new password. Trust me.

Anyway, the meme:

Once you have been tagged, you have to write a blog with 5 facts about yourself. Then choose 5 people you want to tag and list their names. Then leave a comment on their blog letting them know they’ve been tagged.

1. I don’t like sitting in a parked car. When I get in, I want to go. Now. When we get there, let me out. I don’t want to sit around and organize the CDs, clean out the trash, look for your purse or talk. Before you put it in park, I’m fumbling for the door. Let me OUT. I don’t know why, but it makes me very antsy; just thinking about it now makes me itch for the handle.

2. I have many annoying stress-induced habits, one of which is hair pulling. I don’t like YANK or anything, it’s more of a stupid stroking of strands of hair. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember, and it calms me when I’m stressed or tired. It’s not twirling, and unfortunately, it’s not subtle. My hair stroking (?) is STUPID LOOKING — I pull the same section just to the right of the top– so it’s like OBVIOUS and weird– yet I cannot stop. I hate it when people tell me “you’re going to go bald” from it, because I’m in my 30s and have yet to develop a bald spot. And if I do, well, YES, that will suck, and YES it may prompt me to stop, but until then, I cannot.

3. Ok, I’m actually TRYING to stop the hair stroking thing. And my crazy coworker, Dirk, is trying to help. Of course, he’s been out for over a week now with his BNBG (brand new baby girl…people, keep up with me), but he’s a licensed psychologist and is trained in the art of Stopping Ridiculous and Annoying Behaviors. Currently, he yells “HAIR” at me when he sees me doing it. Which is often. Although he did lay off me at his baby shower– which is good, because everyone else would have been all “why is he yelling HAIR at that blonde chica…ya know, the one fondling her hair?” His inthairvention was working until he went and had a baby. Selfish jerk. Now I’m back on the wagon. Or off. Or whatever that cliche is.

4. Evidently, I have fire issues. I start fires. Unintentional fires, but COME ON! What’s wrong with me & Mr. Squirrel? This picture is from this past weekend. Since then, we’ve fully cleaned the oven, because at least in this instance, the fault clearly lies with us and our dirty, dirty ways:

5. I’ve had a crush on this guy for years. And him.

~~~~~~~~~

I’ve tagged people before so I hope I don’t re-tag y’all, I know some of you can get awfully testy. So here goes…I’m tagging:

Abby at Mommy State of Mind
Bethany at Ice Cream Mama
Frannie at The Taysavang Syndicate
Erin at MO Mommy
Angela at On Second Thought

-image-Not quite JB* betrayal

January 22, 2007 | Uncategorized

Has this happened to you? You discover that a friend of yours has a blog. She’s known about your blog since its inception but only allows you to discover hers through linking to her site via her comment. Then another friend, albeit a new friend, never mentions her own blog after I send her my link and babble on about my stupid blog. I find it, again, via her comment name/link.

Is that weird? I mean, I wasn’t offended or hurt, but I’m just wondering why people don’t tell you in a different way. Hey Mrs. Squirrel, what’s up? Oh guess what– I started my own blog! Or, Hey New Friend, that’s cool you have a blog– so do I!?!? Another cool thing we have in common even though I successfully modified my template (unlike you, loser!) and am a mucho better writer.

I know some of you have discovered close friends/family members have blogs in a most unfortunate way which resulted in damaged relationships, so really, I should consider myself fortunate. Neither of them rip me new ones on their blogs. And yes, I’m expecting explanations P and A.

KISSES!

*since CPAMom asked, I’ll explain this reference. JB are the initials for a former “friend” who betrayed me in college. She’s pure evil, and it took me far too long to realize the knife sticking out of my back. The friends I refer to today, in this post, are FAR from the JB level. FAR FAR from it, especially my fair Poodle, who has been nothing but lovely to me since our first ‘date’ at Boston Market back in ‘96.

-image-Too tired to type

January 21, 2007 | Uncategorized

Gratuitous shot of Jojo:

Stolen from Jezer and Lizzy, who also must be feeling the familiar Sunday slump… states Mrs. Squirrel has visited (and most likely scouted out the local doughnut shops).

create your own personalized map of the USA

-image-Your assistance is requested.

January 20, 2007 | Uncategorized

Mr. Squirrel is so confident in his styling skills (and offended by my reaction to it) that he’s asked for YOUR opinion on the clothing choices he made on Friday for our Jojo. HOLD IT… he’s backpeddling: “I never said it was well-styled. I said he looks cute. I mean, I wouldn’t wear it, but Jojo looks so cute!”

Whatever. You dressed Jojo and sent him into public in the outfit pictured below.

What do YOU think?

Yes, the color is correct– those are pistachio green pleated and cuffed thin cotton pants.

And now Mrs. Squirrel would like to add her own question.

How much do you pay for a haircut & color (foil)? Mr. Squirrel cannot believe that I think $85 (for both) is great. I’ve told him that at the salon before this one, it would cost me $150, but he doesn’t understand. What do you pay in your area? And does your husband/boyfriend, too, think you’re nuts?

-image-Duh.

January 19, 2007 | Uncategorized

If I asked you “hey, did you bring your lunch?” would you think that meant:

a. that I’m asking you to join me out for lunch
b. that I’m going out and am asking if I can pick up something for you
c. that I’m just interested in what you’re going to eat for lunch

The answer, my friends, is A.

I hate going out to buy food and then bringing it back to the office to eat…especially for anyone other than myself. If I wanted to make a food run, I would let you know “hey, I’m running out to Taco Bell, do you want anything?” But you should know that that won’t happen. Ever. Never Ever. Don’t you even THINK IT (movie?). Nothing is worse than being in line behind That Customer who digs out The List with everyone’s picky, complicated, “and the dressing on the side” orders. All bagged separately, naturally. And the money situation… oh sweet cheeses, I’m getting annoyed (maybe it’s because I paid like $11 for a shitacular $7 bloody mary last night (that I drank a full 1/4 of because it sucked worse than that Dustbuster we got for our wedding) because someone in the stupid group didn’t put in their fair share, you cheapskate.). I digress.

Plus, I like my hot food hot and my cold food cold. I don’t want barely warm fries, and I especially don’t want to have to microwave my food to bring it back to the temperature it could have been at had we just sat our asses down at the restaurant. I’d much rather eat there and be done with it, instead of having any trash stinkin’ up my office overnight (because the cleaning staff empties the trash in the mornings, sometimes awakening the festering remains of a 3 day old burrito. Olé!)

I don’t mind eating at the office if I’ve got to catch up on my blog reads. But do I want to unpack my lunch in your office and try to chat with you while balancing my extra value meal on your desk? Negatory.

So, next time I ask you “hey did you bring your lunch?” Just say “let’s go to Moe’s!!!!” That, my friends, is the correct response. BAH.

OH, and note to self: NEVER let someone else use your Hello Kitty coffee maker because you’re too nice and say, “no, don’t worry about it– I’ll take care of it.” The “it” being either finishing the dregs of said coffee and/or cleaning the pot when it’s after 5pm and holy shitballs you have to go pick up the Jojo and your officemate will be in on Monday morning to not only a fragrant trash can under your desk BUT a dirty coffee pot, too. So. Yes. No sharing. Again. Ever. GOOD day.