-image-the easy way out

June 29, 2007 | Uncategorized

Too much to blog, what with the dark depression (ohhh i really miss you, Celexa) and our back up laptop trying to drive me over the brink with its annoying connectivity issues. I am, you’ll be happy to know, typing on the Formerly Perfect Now A Little Off and Sticky and Definitely Hazelnutty laptop. It’s not *quite* right. Something’s a little off in there…but I’m not going to pay $199 to send it in and then the inevitable extra $299 to get a new motherboard or whatever. i’ll just deal with the sticky keys even though I cleaned every last one with a q-tip and what the f why are they still sticky? You should have seeeen the obscene amount of coffee pooled under the keyboard.

Not good. oh yes, Mr. Squirrel confidently ripped my baby apart with a “i’ve seen the IT guys at work do this alll the time” flick of his wrist while holding a (deep breath) screwdriver. It brought back painful memories of my dad trying to separate the headpiece and body of my flute in 8th grade…with a wrench. Yeah, that left a mark.

But my pretty, pretty laptop? You’d never know a screwdriver came near it! All permanent damage, all still my fault.

I promise to give more a little later, I mean, I’m totally leaving out the BEST part of today: vomiting in the wastebasket at work (migraine). Or…maybe it was when i finally got home, I vomited AND pissed myself (thank you Jojo and your Bladder AssKicking Tour of Summer/Fall 2005). Goooood times. Who wants to be my friend? (crickets)

And so now I must resort to posting quiz results (thereby giving YOU an out when you’re not up for a full post and/or wanting to waste precious life minutes, because on your deathbed, I promise, you do NOT want to regret not knowing the following):

Lookeee here, peeps: I’m worth more dead than alive! If I could only factor in my artificial eye…why, I’m sure we could sell it on Ebay for $100 or so (a far cry from its original cost, but it is custom fit. I would market it as more of a display item…perhaps in a shadow box?):

$4875.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth

Mingle² - Online Dating

—–
Mr. Squirrel– not as premium of a cadaver and quite indignant at the slight. Sorry, kid, some cadavers got it, and some don’t:
$3875.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth

Mingle² - Online Dating

—–
Did we really need a quiz to tell us this, I mean, come the fuck on:

Mingle² - Online Dating

—–
I can improve my score if I follow my husband’s advice to shoot him in the head, should he turn into a zombie, instead of running away from him, hoping he’s slow. We should, however, leave Jojo in his zombie state, as he cannot outrun us just yet (I hope zombies don’t have super-zombie speeds). Despite my argument that we could tie Jojo up, hoping for a cure, he didn’t think zombie cures could be found in a apocalyptic zombie state. Gulp. Now onto stocking the basement with canned goods and weapons…project!!
41%

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

—–
As the wife of a scientist, I’m appropriately ashamed. As a snarky know-it-all blamer van Blamerstein, I’m going to totally scapegoat my 10th grade chemistry teacher/drivers ed teacher/fishing fanatic for wasting our time on your fishing stories and likening every single lab and exercise to fishing and boring me the inevitable: composing heartfelt notes to my friends lamenting singledom and my parents’ inability to understand the importance of more Forenza in my closet. My high school GPA and resultant science inferiority complex culminated in this telling & valid research…oh yes, due to you, Mr. Boyce.

Free Online Dating

—–
I was right. Mr. Squirrel was shocked and disappointed in my score, so I made him take the quiz. He’s also in a shame spiral and also (again) outraged. We had to review the quiz to find the 2 items he missed. Oh booooo f’ing hoooo.

Free Online Dating

—–
Just a little shout-out, btw, to you sweeties who emailed, IMd and called to check in on me in my absence. Thanks. It means the world to me. I’ll be ok. And yes, I’ll pick a winner, soon, for What the J? and post the quadrant results. I mean, really, if I wait too much longer, having stuffed animals in your backwindow may become vogue. again. NOT. that was a trick sentence. NEVER vogue.

-image-Grateful Tuesday

June 26, 2007 | Uncategorized

1. I didn’t get shocked by the coffee/laptop incident. I mean, it’s just a laptop. It could have been worse. (sob)

2. My friend, Eris, asked me to guest blog over at her site while she’s becoming more and more addicted to her Blackberry while away on a work trip. It was very therapeutic for me…sorry for the google searches which will now lead to your site for information on wolf dicks.

3. I don’t have to cook dinner tonight because we’re invited over to a friend’s house! Sweet deal. I don’t think I could possibly turn on the stove today, but my third-trimester friend? Ohhh yeah, cook it up, sister.

4. New friends who know enough about blogging and my sense of humor not to mention to other moms in the moms group about my blog. I may have cracked on some of the nuttier moms a time or two…

5. New friends I don’t have to explain or defend my blog/blogging addiction to:

Heather B., I heart her. And not just because she loves Lloyd Dobler, too. Or repeated her offer to babysit Jojo on my birthday. Or doesn’t mind when I spill soy sauce all over the table.
6. (whoa…six?) When Jojo and I fell over on the bike today, I managed a controlled fall and only scared the shitakes out of him instead of actually causing a concussion. Whew.

-image-Third Time’s a Charm — What the J?

June 25, 2007 | What the J?, Jojo

Yes! It’s your turn to win fabulous non-cash prizes on this here THIRD week of What the J(ojo)?

Did you think I was gonna let this little obstacle like having no laptop get me down? I’m a professional, people. The blog must go on…although I’m now blogging from the discomfort of our overheated home office and not the dining room table. Honestly, though, it’s good to get some distance from the scene of this morning’s dreadful accident.

Please caption the following oh so apropos* photograph of my Jojo:

House Rules: If your caption makes Mr. Squirrel laugh, you will likely win. If you send chocolate mousse to Mr. Squirrel, you will surely win. If you send me a new Dell Inspiron laptop loaded with pictures of Jojo and Windows Vista, I’ll forgive you for the Vista and love you forever plus one long day and definitely send you treasures a-plenty. Enter as often as you like! Bring on the captions, my creative ones.

*meaning, it’s a SQUIRREL, people. Jojo rides a squirrel. Get it? Oh please don’t make me explain further.

-image-Coffee… it kills

Uncategorized

You read it here first. Coffee kills Dell laptops immediately upon impact of gloriously yummy hazelnut creamer flavored half decaf morning roast with keyboard. SON OF A (insert every single obscenity you know here). I’ve been saying them allll morning.

Remember that beautiful new shiny perfect laptop my awesome husband surprised me with? Well, it’s dead. Dead dead. Not fake I’m just bitching because my laptop smells like hazelnuts dead. Dead dead. The 4,295th person I spoke with this morning from Dell kind of alerted me to this fun fact.

Yeah, as if I wasn’t angry enough at myself for tipping an ENTIRE BIG ASS mug of coffee onto my laptop, pretty orange bag and assorted crap garnishing our dining room table, I then had to rifle through the stacks of unorganized papers in our office to find the number for Dell. I finally found a number. Not the right number.

Oh no, by the time I finally spoke to the right person, I had talked to SIX different Dell employees in SIX different Dell departments probably in at least four different countries. Considering the foul mood I was in when I made the call, you can imagine how friendly I was when the fourth employee told me he had to transfer me yet again.

When Poor Customer Service Dude #5 asked me how I was doing, apparently unaware that I’d barked at the past couple of people and had now spelled my last name at least 5 times before, I said loudly and as clearly as possible: “I’M BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.”

(pause for five seconds)

Poor Customer Service Dude #5: (very weakly) “I’m sorry to hear that.”

You’re not the only one.

—–
Yeah, so the Quadrant got fried on the harddrive, so I have to re-plot. That’s a reminder to those who didn’t get their votes in on time to do so here.

&

the What the J? contest has been pushed to tomorrow or later this evening.

&

did I mention that my beloved laptop is dead? Sob.

-image-So

June 24, 2007 | Uncategorized

I’m just farting around on the internet, not really planning on posting because I have nothing to say. I mean, I do, but seriously, how did all these fucking flies get into my house? I’ve already killed one (yes, I kill flies. If you have a problem with that, please never visit my site again because I don’t like you. Nope. That’s right. GO.) and now another fucking fly is circling my head, taunting me with its buzzing and sweet baby J if I have to use my fucking address book again and wipe more fly guts off of it, I’m gonna be in a fouler mood (yes, it’s a word. but don’t look it up.) than before.

So. Anyway, I don’t know how I got here, ok I do. I was visiting this site which is rather ironic, as I’m quite the gadget/tech illiterate person, having STILL never owned a phone with call-waiting or caller ID. And I don’t have an iPod. My cellphone? It can’t take pictures. The old one could, but then when I went to get it a new battery, the asshat working there “couldn’t” sell me a battery because “(insert condescending sigh) the phone is basically obselete.” You know what’s obselete, dickweed? Your haircut. Now shut the f up and order me a battery. I couldn’t get past his attitude though, so I hauled flabby thighs outta there and resorted to using my brother-in-law’s hand me down which is white (shudder) and completely lame.

But, I like to pretend someday I’ll own the iRiver Clix (mainly because Mr. Squirrel said they’re cool), use a cellphone with some sort of neato-keen capabilities (dig it, I’m hip, I’m with it.) and possibly, one day, know how to operate, at least the basic functions of both. Plus, I love their header and fonts. So, I’m scrolling down, loving this and that when I screeeeeech and halt right here.

Why? Because when I saw the person who invented it, I’m like “oh no he did int.” Because my friend Dana’s mom sooo used to make those way back when Guess jeans were the new cool thing to wear. And Dana’s mom was the first person sporting them in our town. So my town may have been late to the game, but that makes it 1982 for the midwest. My favorite song at the time? Gloria. Dana and I would blast it on her parents’ stereo in their ridiculously modern & completely out of place (in terms of everyone else in the surrounding 7 counties) two-storied glass house. We’d bake mac & cheese and eat it in the bathtub, sleep on the wide, circular stairs leading to their second floor, bounce around in the back of her mom’s green Checker Cab and try to float our shoes in the pond behind their house…and then attempt to rescue drowning shoes with the oars. Oops.

So anyway. I’m pretty sure her mom, an interior decorating, all around original hott mom, and ceramics artist, created these. I should probably google Dana and point her to this egregious display of thiefatude.

Ok, so Dana is a hot shot big wig at some “I don’t really understand what they do” consulting firm. She probably won’t remember me. I mean, she did ditch me before the 6th grade for the more popular girls…but hello, I had a Little Annie perm. Not a good look.

But I did it. Let’s see if I’m still the ugly, unpopular ex-friend or if she has the time to email me back. I mean, really, she’s obviously very busy and I’m very into creating excuses in case she chooses not to respond! I’ll just be in my room, listening to Duran Duran, picking out which legwarmers to wear tomorrow and pickin’ out my Orphan fro.

-image-Deep Thoughts Friday

June 22, 2007 | Quadrant Plotting, Deep Thoughts Friday

My deoderant has stopped working. At first I thought it just couldn’t tough out the summer weather, but the past 2 days have been mild and lovely. I showered before work. I applied adequate and thorough coverage of said deoderant. I don’t know what has gone so horribly awry.

Perhaps it’s one of the lovely withdrawal symptoms from weaning off of Celexa? Instead of using the pill to make me happy, my body is sapping all available topical creams to ensure an even keel? Maybe I should text Lindsay and ask if she’s ripe, too.

I’ll be honest: I kind of stink.

Let this be a warning to you, Ms. B and an apology.

No one has caught me sniffing my armpits, but it’s bound to happen.

Luckily today I brought in my (big ass) bag, a back up stick of deoderant. I don’t usually stink. I mean, I guess I do stink, but normally, the deoderant I use is able to suppress my natural stank.

Wow, this may be too much info. I apologize. And right before lunch!

Speaking of lunch… I’m off! To meet Heather B. for sushi! I plan on letting her vent about her recent car troubles so we can move past the hurt and start the healing proh-cess. I’ve been practicing my head-tilt/concerned look combo allll morning. We can then talk about fun topics like “what’s that bad smell?” And then I’ll feign surprise and disgust and point to the stinky businessman behind her. Yes, I have a plan.

Also… Quadrants:

1. Angelina. Where do you stand on the love/loathe continuum?
2. Stuffed animals in a car’s back window. Do you have them? Explanations are welcomed and encouraged. It’s kind of a love/loathe and general outing if you do or don’t and why. Go to it.

-image-But where’s the guy in the banana hammock?

June 21, 2007 | Uncategorized

Thanks to Jeannette & her eagle eyes for spotting this celebrity baby trying to copy the Jo! Jojo rolls like babies to the stars.

This tyke’s parents, however, don’t take him to cool parties featuring strange men in tiger-printed speedos. And speaking of men wearing speedos, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but Mr. Squirrel would never. ever. ever. wear one. And I think anyone who knows him would not be surprised by this. But that didn’t stop my friend M from skimming the post, seeing the picture and commenting to me, “I can’t believe Mr. Squirrel wore that speedo!”

And I cannot believe you don’t know him well enough, considering you’ve known him for over 4 years and see him more frequently than any other friends of mine, to know that That. Strange. Man. Is. Not. My. Husband.

Also, considering I’m you’re closest friend out here, that blonde in the background, she ain’t me. Luckily, I still heart you.

-image-Announcements

June 20, 2007 | Uncategorized

Clearly the most anticipated announcement of the week must be the winner & winning caption of this week’s What the J? contest! Yeah, I’ll save that for last. Other business first:

1. Um. Target. You know I love you.
Exhibit A: My VISA bills, last 10 years.
Exhibit B: My car automatically steers towards the big beautiful red bullseye whenever I’m on the road.
Exhibit C: most of my reactions to compliments contain these two words: “Thanks! Target.”

So why…why would you stick your name on those godawful diaper wipes (sensitive kind, I’m can’t speak for the other types)? Of course, I bought the big ass economy pack and made it through, oh, 2 wipes before realizing I was just spreading the poop around Jojo’s butt instead of wiping AWAY the poop. See, that’s where ya messed up. The key to wipes is to wipe AWAY the poop; not wipe the poop AROUND. Now I have 4 unused and 1 partially used packs of craptacular wipes that I considered giving to the domestic violence shelter in our area. But then Mr. Squirrel made a strong argument against: “Stacy, haven’t they been through enough? They don’t need shitty wipes, too.” True, Mr. Squirrel, very true.

2. Um, TxMom? I (finally) sent the prize for your winning caption from last week’s WTJ contest. In your package I may have accidentally included a sheet of new postcard stamps (bearing the Florida Panther! Grrrrr!). That was an oversight on my part. Isabel, this may affect you as I now do not have postcard stamps to send you postcards for your collection. Lo siento. But TxMom, please keep this as a Bonus Gift With Win (unless of course they’re not in there which means they’re hiding someplace else, and then I’ll be like the bitchy von bitcherstein at the Clinique counter telling you your $24.98 purchase doesn’t qualify for the free gift).

3. As you may recall, here is the picture you were asked to caption in the second What the J? Contest with the winning entry below!

My bulldozer and I can do a lot, but you’re on your own with this mess.

Yes, that is correct. YOU, Heather, YOU ARE A WINNER!! CONGRATULATIONS Heather! I’m not sure whether you have a blog or not, but hopefully you have an address to which I can send the Fabulous! Prize! Yay!

Honorable Mentions:

Again, Heather, you almost beat yourself with: “I see FEMA has already been here.”

Sandy: “Mom? are my toes supposed to be burning like this?” (Sandy…you seem rather focused on my son’s toes. Please let me assure you that his toes are fine and quite edible despite the funky water.)

Bethany: “I am SOOO kicking Jeff Probsts’ ass when I see him!” (I think Jojo could take him. Totally.)

Thanks for playing! Tune in next week for your chance to win Fabulous! Prizes! and maybe even Stamps or Other Things That I Accidentally Stored in the Stupid Ass Envelopes But Then Forgot to Take Out Before Mailing! (I really need some cheesy music to fade out here…)

-image-It’s Late, but I’m Still Great(ful)

Uncategorized

Get it, grateful/greatful? OMG I’m so punny! ba-dump-bum! ba-da-BING! And all those other annoying word sound thingys.

It’s Tuesday Wednesday. Forgive me. I had to watch The Closer on Tivo last night. Well worth the delay. SORRY. But I speaketh the truth (also: I’m almost done with the longest ass book I’ve read in a while, which giveth me cause to speak this way). Anyhoo, let me pull together five things I’m grateful for:

1. That Jojo is not allergic to bees or wasps or whatever the flying f stung my baby boy yesterday. Oh it was terrible. One minute I’m putting water shoes on Jojo to protect his feet from bees and wasps (no really, like I’m trying to be uber-mom and HELLO why didn’t I just knock on wood?), and the next minute, a high pitched scream and scrunched up face (not to mention the nearby flying evil) clue me in that Jojo has been bitten! Let me tell ya, that first sting? It’s a bitch. I scooped him up, brought him inside and got some ice on it, after noticing that the stinger had fallen out (thankfully). We didn’t have any meat tenderizer (no really, that helps), but he recovered quickly after diverting him to his friend’s toys. I cannot imagine how I would have handled it if he began developing hives or had trouble breathing (I had him under close observation for hours…cuz I’m vigilant. Like W. Ok, or not.). Whew. Cross that off my list of worries.

2. On Father’s Day, after a long day at the “beach,” I’m grateful that little Jo, on his first boatride was able to take a nap standing up, while wearing a life vest and being tossed up and down on the choppy waves. My boy…he can chillax.

3. You know how sometimes you ask for an estimate to have some trees trimmed, and the guy comes over and he’s creepy and you know you’re getting jacked? Well today was not that day. I called my friend’s husband who does this for a living, and he gave us the “friends” pricing, which really… I think he could have tossed in another $100 and I would have been fine with it. He’s ethical, sweet and just a good man. He’s one of the few husbands in the area that my Mr. Squirrel really likes. That makes me so happy. It’s also nice for when you noticed two big set in globs of Balmex staining your pants and mention that you have butt cream on your pants and then have to clarify that it’s Jojo’s butt cream and not MY butt cream because I don’t have a butt cream… I’m just grateful he laughed and knew me for the freak I am and didn’t go back to his buddies at work laughing at the hemmorhoidally afflicted mess of a mommy he met today.

4. I’m very grateful that my favorite almost 3 year old is coming over today with her hilarious mom. I need a dose of happy. Hopefully my stylish friend can look past the butt cream on my capris. Also: I had a great playdate this morning AND have a mom’s night out at a local bakery tonight to look forward to (especially since the annoying one in the bunch is moving! Oops! Did I just type that? How rude. But true. If you were there, you’d know exactly who I’m talking about.). I’m becoming much more satisfied with the women friends I’ve made in the area. I’m exceedingly grateful to know so many kind, patient, nurturing moms, women and friends. Even if I’m a snarky bitch some of the time, they keep coming back for more. Maybe it’s Jojo?

5. I’m grateful to have a venue from which to unload some crap going on over here in me little head and life that doesn’t involve a $20 copay or boring friends & family. Ok, friends that I see on a regular basis. This might explain some of why I’m not on top of the ol’ blogging game or reading blogs or being my general sunshiney self as of late. That was a joke. I haven’t been called sunshiney in years.

-image-What the J?

June 18, 2007 | What the J?, Jojo

Round 2, folks. Step up and caption this photo from Survivor: PokeYerEyeOut Island:

You think I’m lying? We went up to my husband’s coworker’s family’s “camp” yesterday. They took us out on their boat to an island that has seen better days…days when the trees were still rooted into the ground, beer cans were carried out with their consumers & tampon applicators were wadded up in toilet paper and stashed in the owner’s purse for disposal later (I’m not alone here, right? You don’t just launch the plastic applicator over your shoulder, right?)

Oh no… in the past couple of years apparently the visitors have grown accustomed to trashing the island along with mother nature. Check out the friggin’ tree swords erupting from the sand RIGHT in front of the blankets/cooler. I hate to be an anal mom, but COME ON. Someone’s going to poke their eye out and sure as HELL isn’t going to be me or Jojo. One glass eye is enough.

But back to the contest. Oh yes, the prize for last week’s winner, TxMom, is in the car! Going to the post office tonight! I promise! Are you gonna let her win again?