Archive for June, 2007
-image-Deep Thoughts Friday
Yet Another Thing I Need to Bring to Work
My work bag (it’s not a briefcase; it’s a cool black with pink lining — from Target (duh)) overflowed with work necessities today. Things stressing the seams included:
– random pens, highlighters & a removable drive in the bottom
– calendar
– chockful file folders (which, of course, I didn’t TOUCH at home despite my best intentions)
– 2 cans of Polar Springs seltzer
– 2 bottles of Aquafina
– Gladware containing Monday night’s porkchop (no, no applesauce, Peter Brady) and mashed potatoes
– Regina Spektor CD
– one very ripe nectarine
– random pictures of Jojo that I found in the back of my desk and wanted to bring home a week ago
– 2 plastic Target bags
– sesame bagel with egg, bacon & cheese from Dunkin Donuts
– unpaid bills & checkbook
– bag of Jolly Ranchers (I’ve had a hankerin’ lately for the cherry & grape ones…so yes, if you like watermelon or apple, you should really try to get a job here.)
What I forgot to bring, which clearly needs to come with me everywhere: Our digital camera.
Then I would have been prepared for what presented itself yesterday afternoon: a sleeping student worker on the couch in my office.
Wha? Yes. You read it.
Here’s the story: once again, software that I have no idea how to use has been purchased for my professional usage because my employers erroneously, and through no claim on my part, believe I am trained, educated or skilled in:
1. advertising
2. marketing
3. graphic design.
The latest software? Oh I don’t know…something to do with graphic design. So official ComputerDude comes over to put it on my computer while I go out to a doctor’s appointment. Sweet. Yesterday, he had a tag-along: a summer student worker, who I learn is a rising junior, being paid to shadow/learn all things IT-related. Ok, whatever, see ya.
I head out and when I come back, albeit 20 minutes earlier than I originally anticipated, junior is sprawled out on the loveseat in my office, sunglasses over his eyes, “watching” his mentor, ComputerDude, working on my computer. The installation, not going as planned, has stalled, so they may be around a little bit longer. That’s fine. I have to microwave my lunch (oh jesus)…but that goes well, too! No fire engines necessary! I grab a People magazine from the lobby and eat my lunch in the breakroom, incident-free!
After lunch, I head back into my office to check on the progress. ComputerDude is no where to be found, but Junior remains unmoved on my couch. So I whisper, “are you sleeping?” and he startles awake, surprise registering on his eyebrows, as he’s still wearing sunglasses. “No,” he says, “uh… where’s ComputerDude?”
Well, Einstein, if you were awake, you’d probably know that ComputerDude left.
Quickie Conclusion: ComputerDude returned; software still not installed; they will be back. And I will have my camera ready!
Boobcentric
Ohhh if only I had my camera. I could take a picture of the outfit our receptionist chose to wear to work. It’s not that her top is showing a lot of skin, but she might as well have neon arrows pointing to her chest. The whole front desk revolves around her Boobs on Display. The white tanktop/camisole is fine– not too low and definitely needed under this WIDE v-neck tshirt which scoops wide around and just below her breasts so that it appears the tshirt is more to serve as some sort of boob shelf than a tshirt. Subtle.
OH YEAH, and Check Over on My Sidebar!!
Lookee, I finally got the list of Blogger birthdays completed & up! It’s officially entitled Blogger Birthday Bonanza mainly because I heart the word bonanza. Unlike the words panties, slacks, moist, whimsy and whimsical…hate them. Check out the listing to see if your birthday and blog are correctly listed (register complaints here! Yippee!). As you will see, I did not include blogger babies (yet)…I still may. I haven’t decided yet on how to do that. Also: I only include people who want to be included, so no need to send me other people’s birthdays…if you think they’d want to be included, send them a link and my email address, which is on the About page (see sidebar).
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
12:16 pm |
-image-Without Further Ado…
Seriously people, there’s been a lot of “ado.” I’m technically incompetent. It has taken me over 3 weeks (!) to plot the results of the last Quadrant, not for lack of trying.
First, I planned on drawing it out, as I always do. Technically? Not difficult. I did pass elementary school after all, but ok, I got lazy and didn’t want to write; I prefer to type.
Second, I used my newly acquired PowerPoint skills to plot one on a slide, thinking I could just link to it or save the slide as a picture and upload it. WRONG WRONG WRONG. How difficult of a function is this, Mr. Gates? Allow me to friggin’ save the slide as a .jpg. Add that to your To-Do list To-Day, Bill. Ok?
Third, I pounded my skull on the desk at home in an unsuccessful attempt to have it all magically appear on the computer screen. Surprisingly, this did not work.
Fourth, I printed out the PowerPoint slide on our color printer at home only to find that the cute little blue parking signs indicating the two extremes of the parking lot question didn’t print out. Also, the all important quadrant axes didn’t print. I sharpied those in (without a ruler, which is beyond obvious, but I just wanted to say: yes, I know I cannot draw a straight line, but my hands were quaking with frustration). I didn’t care. Progress was being made, at last.
Fifth, I resorted to taking a picture of the printed quadrant to upload it to the damn blog and get it out of my matted hair already. This, too, can result in some frustration and technical slip-ups, but I managed all of this well, or so I thought…
SIXTH for FUCK’S SAKE, when I tried downloading the picture to my home computer, things went awry. Although Mr. Squirrel and I had vowed to go to bed before 10, we both plugged away on our project (his work related, mine unpaid blog related…why do I even BOTHER?) until after 11. At least he accomplished something. I could not get the picture to save to a smaller size so that it wouldn’t blow WordPress’ mind. Seriously. I had to shut down and go to bed before my brain imploded and all that was left of me was a pile of bitter, quivering goo.
So now, 27 days later, using valuable company time, I decided to “test my new scanner” with a scrap piece of paper my printed/Sharpied Quadrant and lo & behold: THE QUADRANT. Ok, now click again. I know. I KNOW. It’s the best I can do. I’m sorry the cute little blue Parking signs on the parking axis that didn’t print and that you have to click to get there. But I gotta call it a day on this.
Should I even stop to discuss how the Quadrant had to be redefined because most of ya’ll had the good fortune and wisdom to NOT see the movie “The English Patient?” Stick with that. Don’t get sucked in by its numerous Oscars.
But overall– Kevin Bacon. Lots of heavy breathers & lots of dry heavers. He’s a split. I’ve heard, from someone who met him once, that he’s MUCH better looking in person than on tv or in pictures, but I’m going with what I know.
Parking: more people just park and walk than troll around for a spot. Trolling around drives me mad. I’m the anxious type of person that when the car stops, I want OUT RIGHT THEN. So, going slowly, looking for a spot and waiting behind others just prolongs my anxiety until I must just get out and leave you looking. I’ll meet you inside at Pottery Barn.
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ALERT: We are not related to this squirrel and do not condone violence. Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families. Good day.
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
10:37 am |
-image-1st Winner of WTJ Contest…REVEALED!
I’m thrilled to announce the winning caption of the inaugural What the J? contest:
Home Depot? Mom, I am pretty sure when dad said he wanted to get screwed for Father’s Day, this is not what he had in mind.
TxMom, YOU are the WINNER!!! (ding ding ding. hey, give me a break. I blog for free. I can’t afford the bells & whistles).
Here’s the deal on prizes… this goes for you, TxMom, and the rest of you competitive folk: if you win, and you want the prize, email me your address. If you’re all private & paranoid, then here’s your prize: i can probably find out who you are & where you live anyway. But I won’t send out the prize. So your prize includes SCORN and MOCKERY! Yes! I’m evil!!!!
Onto the honorable mentions* in no particular order:
Bethany: “But Mommy, I really need the DeWalt cordless drill! It will increase my destruction capabilities by 30%.” (I’m shaking my head because this may, in fact, been what he was thinking…I shudder to imagine.)
Nic: “I’m so glad I’m not a Duggar, even if I have a J name.” (note: if you are unfamiliar with the Duggars, please step this way. Nic is… how do I put this…desperately trying to get them to adopt her. She’s already moving forward to changing her name to “Jic” and just received her new Duggar family appropriate swimwear…just in time! Good luck, Jic…follow your dreams!)
Stephanie: “Uhhh Mama, I just sharted in my pants . Can we move along this Home Depot trip?” (Were you there? Did you smell him, too?)
*Mr. Squirrel advised listing some honorable mentions to let people know it was a close race. Yes, he co-judged. If you want to sway his vote, send chocolate mousse.
Stay tuned NEXT Monday for the next WTJ contest. Jojo thanks you for playing!
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
8:12 pm |
-image-Grateful Tuesday
Hola! It’s Tuesday! Time to be grateful.
1. I’m grateful that Mr. Squirrel was with me when I ran into these items on the sale shelf at a local gift shop. He convinced me that the already low sale prices were still far too expensive for 
New Weekly Feature, and >then I’d probably lose your friendship.
But look– adorable woodland creatures enjoying the bounty of man’s gold coins. You know you want it.
And do ya see behind them? It’s a Precious Moments camel! Who wouldn’t want that on their bedside table? Maybe you guys would try harder for the coveted prizes, had I selected these fine incentives?! I wonder if the sale is still on…wait, so am I grateful or not? Ugh.
(Note to my BFF Smitty, sorry Mr. Squirrel held the pursestrings 
so tightly on Saturday; otherwise, I would have picked this Tim Daggetesque Christmas ornament for you. I’m sure you’ll be grateful not having to be reminded of lost love at the high rings every Christmas…)
2. Wow am I grateful to have friends and neighbors who know when to lie (hint hint). Like about our new front screen door. What were we thinking? Or, perhaps, maybe we’re just not used to the change. Meet our new screen door:
It’s better, though, right?
3. I’m grateful to have received this personalized confirmation that yes, Tighty McHottPants remembers me. Check out what Derek sent me after reading
my blog.
Don’t make me say it. Ok, I will “I told you so, sucka.” (please note: I am fluffin’ my hair in a most prim & saucy manner.)
His handwriting is kinda girly. It sort of reminds me of my bff, Smitty. Small world!
She’ll be SO jealous when I tell her that he remembers me in my sexy fast food uniform and trucker hat (late ’80s, people, cut me some slackage).
4. I’m grateful to be able to watch free shows online due to the networks (yes, most all of you, save Bravo) inability to get new episodes of their shows on during the summer. Come the f on. Aren’t there some new shows you could throw our way? LA is chock full of desperate writers & even more numerous & desperate actors… let’s get them some shows, people. Chop chop! And no, National Bingo Night does not count. Please share with me any shows we should be watching, because the Tivo runneth dryeth. We’d be grateful.
5. I’m exceedingly grateful to the wonderfully kind (yet sassy & reality-show-obsessed) and cool-toy-owning friend we just made down the street. I swear, every toy I wanted to buy for Jojo but don’t have the room or money for, they have! Score! Thomas the Tank Engine table with every accessory? Check. Outdoor water and sand table with umbrella & crane? Check. Elmo workbench? Yes, check! Thanks for letting Jojo chew on them all! See ya next week!
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As for you, get to cracking on yesterday’s contest. Also: Stay tuned for Quadrant Revelation. This round has been trying on ol’ Mama Squirrel as she’s technically DUM(b) and thought she could upload a slide from PowerPoint (yes, I plotted on PowerPoint), and now I can’t.
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Also, check out my asskickery here!
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
12:31 pm |
-image-What the J?
I’m introducing a new hopefully weekly feature called (guess it? come on… you. can. do. it…) What the J? , as suggested by my much cuter & cleverer (yes, I know) friend, Poodle.
What the J? offers you, the beloved visitor, an opportunity to caption a photo of my beloved, Jojo (he’s the J, people. Get it?).
Each caption entry will be carefully scrutinized by yours truly and a winner will be announced with 48 hours. Yes, that means I may be posting more. But, I’m up for the challenge. Prizes may be or may not be issued since I’m lame, lazy and also send very bizarre and possible flea-infested prizes.
But, ya never know. What if I come across some sweet ass prize that I must send out? So, how about Random Prizes and Most Definitely Bragging Rights!?! And, Your Name in Big, Bold Font! Well, bold anyway…maybe I can learn how to make BIG font, too. A girl can dream…
The Inaugural What the J? picture for your competitive, creative captioning pleasure:
Go to it, people.
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
1:12 pm |
-image-CVS…not just for gum & gossip rags anymore
This happened yesterday morning before work, but I was too busy ranting about blood thirsty sheep and linking to the wrong pictures to blog about this.
Today is a different story. No mention of sheep or lambs-as-loin-cloths today. Onto complaining about the staff at CVS:
Really, must you and the photo chica discuss how people have had sex in your store after hours and how the manager is cheating on his wife and how that one male employee thought you were “diddling yourself” behind the counter when in fact you were cleaning the screen on your cellphone and how your boobs were hanging out of the top and you don’t need to have your “areola all hanging out?” Uhhhh no. Let’s save those conversations for the backroom. Please? Or is the backroom only for workplace hookups?
The girl in front of me gave the “sweet jesus make them stop” look repeatedly. To no avail. Jesus did not step in that morning.
Seriously. That’s a lot of conversation to listen to when you’re SECOND in line behind someone buying some water and a magazine.
Just down the coast on this same sunny morning, my friend over at the awesomely hilarious Bridehood Revisited stopped at her local CVS to pick up some supplies. Little did she know she’d be treated to some scandalous conversation including the line “he did me real good” by her (apparently very frisky and freshly fucked) cashier.
Can someone pick up an application for me and read me some of the questions? Hidden amongst the standard “Past Employment” and “Have you ever been convicted of a felony” section must be the money question…something along the lines of “Are you opposed to openly discussing your sex life and/or the sex lives of others in front of customers?” Those who mark “yes” get filed in the shredder, while those checking “no” are given a pack of condoms, some lube, paperwork and a start date.
Now which one of you saucy minxes out there used to work at a CVS? Come on… a show of hands. Do I need to make guesses?
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
6:06 am |
-image-Deep Thoughts Friday — Now with Bleating!
For the LOVE, people, tell me…is this for real? You must. I repeat. MUST watch the trailer. Hello? You gotta love a premise that ends with “and it’s the humans who begin bleating.” I’m checking the listings for showtimes. Who’s coming?
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Speaking of sheep, so yesterday at work, the receptionist brought in a Cosmo UK, which featured a basically ‘naked men’ section of UK celebs. They were all but naked save some strategically placed items,such as a bottle of champagne, a soccer ball, an inflatable parrot, an inflatable shark (covered 2 guys’ bits & pieces) and a lamb. We all thought the lamb was a bit… odd, especially since the two were posed as if emerging from a trailer. May I suggest, for future loin cloth substitutes: a pack of vacuum-sealed cocktail weinies; a Yard o’ Beef, or perhaps a live eel. Leeches? A wasps nest? I don’t know. These are just off the top of my head. I’m sure I can come up with some more if I shut down my work email and put away those pesky to-do lists.
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And another thing, is this a rug? (thank you MINDY for pointing out that this is linkin’ to a pic of SJP, when it should be linking to the photo of Patrick Dempsey. Damn People Magazine dot com.)It’s got to be a rug, right? I know several of you are gonna get all finger-wagging in my face and let me just show you the hand. Stop right there. Back it up. It looks ruggish. You cannot deny it. I’m sure you’ve all seen that Dr. Burke isn’t coming back to Seattle Grace, right? I loved his character, so I’m bummed, but I can understand their decision. That set must have been tense!
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Finally, I’m now serving as the office matchmaker. After this promo-item sales dude came in to see me yesterday, the receptionist (yes, the one who reads Cosmo UK) summoned me over to discuss the “hottie” who came to see me. She and another woman were all hot and bothered by the guy, so I had to email him and ask him if he is single. No, really, I did. Because I’m professional. I’ve run his response by a couple of the psychologists I work with. The facts:
Exhibit A: My initial inquiry as to his dating status: I apologize, but at the request of some of my coworkers, may I ask you if you are single? I’m sorry, but you caused quite the stir today…
Exhibit B: His emailed response: Haha you didn’t offend me at all. I find it funny. But to answer you question, I am currently seeing someone but it has been pretty rocky lately. So I am not quite sure how to answer that question. Put it this way my options are open at this point.
Expert Testimony, Forensic Psychologist A: “He’s available, but wants to make sure she’s attractive.”
Expert Testimony, Forensic Psychologist B: “He doesn’t want any uglies. As the great Borat would say…’I thinks he’s interested…but as in Kazakstan, he needs to look at cow before make purchase of milk.’
Defendent (horny receptionist): She gave me her personal email to get into her MySpace page, which I just emailed to him. I noticed that she’d updated her page with a big ol’ picture of his favorite baseball team. Well played.
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‘member that time, at HollowSquirrel camp, when I used to ask questions then plot the results? YEAH I’m working on it. I should have it up by Monday. For the love…
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
10:09 am |
-image-Swag
My mom scored some swag at a conference she attended before visiting us last week. Mind you, she’s RETIRED. Yet she keeps her license up to date perhaps because the conference this year was in Hilton Head, SC? Or maybe it’s because she wants to keep on top of current research and practices so she’s not advising us to eat paint chips. Whatever. It keeps her busy. And she scores us swag like THIS:
Since we saw my mom before my brother & his family for once, we got first dibs on the pharma swag. SCORE! Instead of, oh, say, letting Jojo choose, I got all “MINE MINE MINE” and chose for him. Mainly because this little five-limbed (ok, I think the sixth limb is hiding behind him. Please do not worry.) creature spoke to me (metaphorically. I’m not hearing voices.).
Check OUT that attitude! He’s going to kick stomach acid’s ass!!!!
Yes, apparently, he’s the mascot for a drug that reduces stomach acid producers…although I could find nothing more on our little limb-endowed grouch online. Since he appears to be in need of a name, may I suggest to his manufacturers: Senor Cranky Pants? The AssKicker? AcidKiller 3000? KickToTheGroiner, Ol’ Crotchety… I can come up with more. Just let me know.
The other swag option? I left him for my niece… have fun with Mr. Mucus, sweet pea.
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Also: I’m hungry. How bad would it be for me to fish out that half-filled bag of microwave popcorn perched invitingly in the trash can in the breakroom? I SO want to pull a Costanza.
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
1:13 pm |
-image-Randoms
I first received an email with this cool thing from my friend, Stevo. Yes, that Stevo. I really only know one Stevo. I also know one Steve-a-rino, but he doesn’t know that my dad calls him that. They are not the same person. Obviously. Because Steve-a-rino? He’s kind of been in love with my mom for like 4 decades. It’s embarrassing. BUT, back to what Stevo sent me:
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Today’s Gripe: if you’re (I’m talking to YOU, United States Postal Service, so stop looking around all innocent-like) going to raise postage and you’ve gone ahead and set a date that the rate goes up, how come you can’t get an assortment of the NEW stamps by this date which YOU fricking set? Do you have a backlog of a gajillion $.02 stamps you need to unload? SERIOUSLY, the Forever stamps suck. They’re fugly. Please tell me you’ll have a different look coming soon. What about Christmas 2010? I don’t want the fugly brown Liberty Bell stamp pooping up the corner of my Christmas cards. I want a snowflake or a snowman or something that’s not fugly. Who woulda thought I hate them so? Also, I tried to buy some g.d. new postcard stamps because I like to send postcards to a famous collector you may know, but those aren’t in yet either.
If that’s not all too much for me to bear, when I do make it to the post office to get some stamps and mail some packages, I succumb to the height of bad luck by getting waited on (and the term “WAIT” here comes ooooh so ironically) by the Grumpy Ass, Slow as a Fucking Half Dead Snail AssHat who takes like 3 minutes bringing the last customer’s package to the back before glancing over at me, turning around in what I can imagine is live non-action slow motion and with a heavy and disappointed sigh, slowly…meanders… back…to…his…boring…little…seat…and…then…types…a…bit…and…closes…some…drawers…before…finally…having…to…look…up…and…DEAL…WITH…ME…at…the…same…ridiculously…SLOW…pace.
Honestly. I’m not kidding. This man is just WAITING FOR ME (ME!) to go postal on HIM. Oh the irony.
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
1:29 pm |
-image-Grateful Tuesday
It’s late in the day on Tuesday, and after a particularly stormy day, I’m grateful for these five things:
1. My New Friend, Dan, who stayed with us last night despite the unbridled crapocity of Amtrak and a very non-welcoming torrential thunderstorm of Upstate NewYorkedness. Your stay was too short– we miss you, Dan! Come back soon with your magic squeezebox:
Poodle calls this Showdown With the Accordion.
2. Mr. Squirrel. He doesn’t flinch, nor sigh, nor complain at all when I reminded him last week that my favorite accordionist (Dan!) would be staying with us this week. Mr. Squirrel only met Dan’s boyfriend (my Old Friend) briefly twice and never met Dan, but he knows how much Old Friend means to me, and any friend of a friend of mine (got that?) Mr. Squirrel welcomes with open arms. Because I was late leaving work, Mr. Squirrel worked out the plans with Dan and took Jojo to pick him up from the train station without a problem. He sees it as an opportunity to meet an interesting person who is important to someone I think is important. I love that. I’m so lucky and grateful.
3. I’m grateful that no one I know was hurt in the terrible storms today– although two people were struck by lightning on my friend’s street (fingers crossed). Our Favorite 
Accordionist, Dan, made it safely through the thunder, lightning, wind, hail and torrential downpours. Whew! When we waved him off this morning, the skies were deceptively clear and sunny, but that changed frequently and darkly throughout the day. Jojo, in fact, startled by some booming thunder, freaked out and needed some comforting, but that was nothing compared to what happened later, when he was outside with Mr. Squirrel. A LARGE branch from our big maple tree fell within a few inches of where Jojo stood with his Cozy Coupe. Ugh. Mr. Squirrel recounted the terrifying event, which of course, happened in slo-mo, but we think Jojo was more terrified of the urgent tone in Mr. Squirrel’s voice & look of alarm than the actual crashing tree limb. Really, it’s huge though. So, I’m grateful he’s ok.
4. Thanks to my hardworking parents & Mr. Squirrel, our backyard looks much more colorful and symmetic. Mr. Squirrel planted two rosebushes against the new trellis on the side of the garage and seven azalea bushes!
I’m just so grateful that my parents are healthy enough and in a stable enough financial position to be able to drive out from the midwest to visit us. We had an incredible visit and even took them hiking! Although my parents are very fit and active for their age, hiking has never been a family hobby. They loved it, even if the raging waterfalls we’d been bragging about had dropped to an embarrassing trickle with the lack of rain (ha! if only they’d stayed another week…). Aren’t they cute? I miss them. Sigh.
5. I’m grateful my living-in-sin friend and favorite pretend sister, Stevo, finally got hitched, if only because planning your Ameri-Swedish wedding from Shanghai would have sucked major yak balls. You looked GORGEOUS, my dear, as did your hottie husband. Congrats!!!
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
8:59 pm |
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