-image-Creepiest Hostess/Housewarming Gift of All Time

July 14, 2007 | Uncategorized

Sweet Heebie Jeebies.

Too.Many.Jokes.Brain.Imploding.

-image-Warning! This post is a veritable clusterfuck of random randomness.

July 13, 2007 | bitterness,Grateful Tuesday,random randomness,The Office,TV/movie addiction

Yeah, what’s new? Well, I missed Grateful Tuesdays plus, oh I don’t know, normal updating, and today is Friday, so why don’t I just toss down some numbering and you can pick out what I’m grateful for or what I’m randomly spewing (as in Deep Thoughts Fridays, stick with me).

1. Yesterday, I went into my 10am meeting completely unprepared for the length it turned out to be. What usually is a 1 hour meeting turned into a 3 hour + 20 minute working meeting with yours truly updating a PowerPoint presentation on my coworker’s possessed laptop while five different coworkers argued about what the presentation should include. Not that everyone was working that entire time… I mean, Dirk & I were.

One coworker flitted in late & excused his way out after a good 20 minutes of shouting useless suggestions and claiming not to know where this information came from when HI you’re the person who gave it to me. In an email. Which I will gladly go print out and shove down your pie hole. Another left for a ‘meeting’ then stopped back in an hour later marvelling that we were still at it that whole time (while clutching a to-go lunch sack to her chest…yes, she’d gone out for lunch). Another coworker stayed for over half the meeting, then claimed sickness, and yes, maybe it was his allergy medication that was causing him to fall asleep in the meeting. Whatever. He’s not a help anyway. And finally, another colleague randomly attended…at times… between hitting her snack drawer and doing other things in her office nearby. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

2. Which leads me to: public speaking. My (squeal) Favorite Thing To Do…right along with spending time with the narcissistic sociopath who married my father-in-law and getting my teeth yanked out by a tank-sized hairy spider. Yes. Monday morning. 10:30 am. I’m going to need ya’ll to channel every positive public speaking vibe you can muster my way. The one good thing about the talk? I’m the only one of the four speakers who has just one solid chunk of slides to present…the others (who all don’t mind speaking, of course) have to jump in and cover different slides throughout the 45 minute presentation. Once slide 31 fades from screen, I can sit back & wait for the question/answer period where I’ll definitely shit my pants. (note to self: bring extra underwear.)

3. On a related note, THANK GOD another conference-bound coworker stood up and said “NO. I WILL NOT RIDE FOR 3+ HOURS IN A CAR WITH A DOG. I HAVE SEVERE ALLERGIES.” Because now, I can tag along with her. When in previous awkward, awful meeting deciding how we would all get to the conference, I did the whole “I have really bad allergies and would rather not be in a car with a (seeing eye… I don’t care, it still spews dander…and it’s the same dog that LICKED MY MOUTH…close quarters with it, I do not want.) dog… but uh… what? … oh ok… I’ll just bring my inhaler. And some medication.” And honestly, the other car? Chock full of personalities. I’d probably have jumped van before reaching the NY state border.

4. This photo really says it all. The exotic juice bar near us, which was closed down amidst a lot of naughty bally-ho may re-open its sticky doors (I think some residents didn’t enjoy last year’s festive roof-top decoration involving a large inflatable Santa Claus with a blow-up doll perched on his lap).

The (non-jello) fighting continues — girls? bulldozers? stay tuned! — but honestly, the eyesore has got to go. Maybe if his strip club wasn’t hot pink I wouldn’t be so yucked out. I mean, come on, ornery strip club owner, show some class.

5. I’m grateful, honestly, not to have a golden eyeball. Sounds rather bling-y, but I wouldn’t want it to get all hot while I’m working on my tan. That’s all I need is a scorched eye socket.

6. It’s times like these when I thank my lucky stars to have a platform for furthering my goal in life… to help you not rent bad movies. If I can just reach one person here, then I know I’ve done my job. Let me just state: DO NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER RENT THE SHITACULAR SHITFEST MOVIE ENTITLED BECAUSE I SAID SO. Don’t do it. Ever. Don’t get sucked in. It’s by far one of the worst movies I have ever seen. My sister-in-law and I made this unfortunate rental choice during her visit earlier in the week. At one point she suggested fast-forwarding to the end, just so we can see the obvious thing which was going to happen. So we did. We fast-forwarded to parts that looked promising only to discover even more atrocious acting on Diane Keaton’s part (honestly. horrific.) and inane, lame and completely predictable everything. Diane Keaton’s role was annoying and aggravating. It was awkward and embarrassing to watch. I’m THIS much dumber because of the movie. Don’t you be, too. Please, for the love, NEVER RENT THIS MOVIE. EVER.

7. A couple of weeks ago, my father-in-law visited. While we played with Jojo in our gravel driveway, I found a rusty roofing nail from when we had the roof re-roofed (ok, I’ll stop) three long years ago. Oh great– rusty nails! Good times. Why didn’t the sketchy roofer pick them up? Oh that’s right. He was huffy because he thought I’d swiped his fucking $5 broom. No, I’m not kidding. He accused me of stealing his blue broom. I’m like “dude. I have a broom. I don’t need yours. Maybe you misplaced it? Get the fuck off my porch.” Ok, I didn’t say that last line because I remembered my roofing salesperson warning me several times not to let them in the house. Warm fuzzies.

I digress. Anyway, the chump didn’t pick up the nails cuz he was all pissed. Great. Let’s make sure Jojo always wears his shoes outside and hope he doesn’t pop them like goldfish crackers, should he find more. I looked down again. Another nail. And another. I was plucking rusty nails at an alarming rate.

My father-in-law stood amazed, marvelling at my skills in pattern recognition, which sound really useful, but I don’t have any marketable code-breaking skills. Just mad nail finding skills. I found a shitload of nails in one afternoon, not even trying. A dozen when he went to the use the bathroom. Just for comparison, he found one. My husband? 5. Me? 55. Thankfully, Jojo didn’t find any.

8. Tell me, when did 30 plus 20 equal 20? When? Let’s say, hypothetically, that I get paid for 20 hours/week on Project A. Then I’m told that I’m going to be working on Project B, which my officemate used to work on for 30 hours/week. So, now I’m the coordinator on BOTH Projects A and B, but I still only get paid for 20 hours and want only to work 20 hours. I’m still expected to run both projects… do you see the problem I’m seeing? Honestly.

-image-Totally Unfashionably LATE

July 11, 2007 | Uncategorized

I’ll zip it on the excuses and just HERE:

As you can see, not a lot of love for stuffed animals in car windows, which begs the question, “then who ARE these people?”

They obviously don’t read HollowSquirrel — well, except for you — so how can I tap into this large market? How can I help? You know. I’m allll about helping.

If that means breaking into cars and torching those nappy stuffed dustballs, oh, I will (except I won’t, so if this happens to you, please don’t consider me a suspect. Consider it an intervention — a chance to start anew).

On the other axis of this here quadrant are the results of whether you HATE (left side) or LOVE (right side) Angelina Jolie. This question garnered much more variety in responses.

A lot of you are conflicted — Angelina’s charity work and causes draw respect and admiration, but her Pitt-stealing, baby-collecting, brother-kissing, etc., activities annoy. I’m very close to cozying up to ya’ll in the Corner of Red Hot Hate…I’m just outside, hovering on the edge.

I realize she’s bringing attention to the plight of refugees through her work with the UN — and that’s really the only thing that’s keeping her outta my hate zone. Otherwise, BAH, I’m done with her and all her purposeful bullshit drama. All my best to her children, however.

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Was it me, or did I see Kiehl’s for sale at Target the other day?

-image-Deep Thoughts Friday, Random Questions Edition

July 6, 2007 | Uncategorized

1. How do I tactfully opt out of a self-absorbed acquaintance’s frequent mass emails? She’s a friend of a friend who sets up biweekly coffee nights which I attended a couple of times before realizing it was an “All Her, All the Time” show where we sat captive to her presumably witty and insightful observations on American life, were to commend her on the (atrocious) snacks she’d bake before coming even though she has (gasp) two children, and serve as a sounding board for her to solve her husband’s ridiculous Badminton schedule.

Then, she decided her observations & writing was so fantastic & unique that she should write for the general public & damnit, make cash on it, so duh, she should get a blog. My friend pointed her in my direction (um, you’re in deep shit, sweetie), so I’ve deleted several lengthy voicemail messages requesting my help to “suggest places which would pay her for her unique insight” and “help decide a name for her blog” and “how much do you think I’ll get paid?”

After one painful returned phone call, I stopped responding. And I just delete the 3-4 weekly emails announcing: her latest blog post; her requests that we all visit her blog post and leave comments to generate more discussion (and $); her suggestions on where we can find papers to BUY in the grocery store to support her blog (yes, she did get someone to pay her); her reminder that the papers are in! so buy now!; her announcement that the papers are late due to the holidays (crazy Americans!), so if we want her to forward a link to the blog, she can do that; her request that we make it to coffee night so we can discuss topics which she can then fold into another story.

I have to tell you, if you hadn’t noticed, I’m s.i.c.k. of her. And her fucking writing. And her fucking fuckedness. FUCK THE FUCK OFF. There. Would that be an appropriate opt-out request?

2. Do I swear too much?

3. I’m going to hell. Would you care to sit next to me on the bus ride?

4. What is the point of unlocking the doors & flipping on the lights to the printer room if you don’t turn on the bloody printer?

5. There’s a mutilated fork lodged in our garbage disposal and a spoon shard making its way through Jojo’s colon. Where did we go wrong & offend the cutlery gods? How do we make amends?

-image-Why hello there!

July 5, 2007 | Uncategorized

And how are you? I’ve been quite the irritable little beyotcha lately– just ask my husband! But today I’m riding high on a little thing called ‘the coworker I didn’t want to see wasn’t at the 10am meeting today.’ It’s the little things, people.

So. Amidst the depression, irritability and general snarkitude, I think it’s imperative for me to force out five things I’m grateful for instead of heaving big, dramatic sighs and drooping my heavy shoulders and limping around like a wounded, sweaty sloth.

5 things I’m grateful for:

1. That Jojo didn’t aspirate and choke on the sliver of plastic spoon he bit off when we took him out for ice cream. We’re still checking his poo for spoon spottings! Since I’m trying to be grateful, I won’t tell you how ungrateful I am to TfingMobile for dropping my emergency call to the on-call pediatrician. Nope, I won’t go there! Let’s cross our fingers for a quick and painless emergence of said plastic evil spoon shard. (seriously though, I cry whenever I think about it).

2. That the L size of SJP Bitten’s $7.98 tshirt fit. The sizes run small, and the tshirts are thin, but the colors and designs are worth it! I mean, less than $8 for a cute tshirt? Yes please! I also grabbed some cute pajama pants & sparkly earrings. I didn’t have time to try on the shoes (wha? I know), but I’m definitely heading back for more once fall rolls around. Just remember– grab a size up, especially if you have yourself some knockers. I’d be even more grateful if I could order online to avoid the mall, mall parking & ginormous dressing room dust bunnies.

3. The hilarious Jen. I can always count on Jen to make me laugh, and that’s not even why she made the list. Though we’ve never met, Jen’s gained my everlasting love for agreeing to play the role of “long-lost college roomie” during my upcoming work trip to Boston. With her assistance, I can gracefully bow out of the group dinner with my coworkers and avoid dining at Red Lobster. No really, the last time a group of them were in Boston, they chose to eat at R.e.d. L.o.b.s.t.e.r. That baffles me. Really. It’s right up there with stirrup pants makin’ a comeback. Or how JAG stayed on the air for nine seasons. Hopefully I haven’t offended my stirrup-pant wearing, JAG Fan Club Presidenting “long-lost college roomie…” — we’re still on for dinner, right?

4. Mr. Squirrel, although you wouldn’t know it from my general bitchitude lately– he does come through in the clutch, like when I just asked him to proof the back of my Moo cards (yes, Isabel, I finally ordered the damn things). (Oh, and Moo? I have a major bone to pick with you. Stay tuned for an interweb ass whoopin’). After reading the back, he wrapped his arm around me, sighed and said “oh babe. you’ve been struggling.” What? He thought my moo personalization was a *tad* too bitter? Wha? “Aren’t you trying to get people to read your blog?” Um, I guess. Sure. Whatever. You guys know I’m your authority on third nipples & glass eyes, so I’ll just bank on good old word of mouth. No need to Moo it.

5. Great Gravy Train of Sweet Sweet Relief: my sister-in-law (The Big E). She’s coming into town this weekend to stay with me & Jojo while Mr. Squirrel jets off to (yet) another work conference. Mr. Squirrel’s conference lasts 4 long nights, and seriously, I need a break after a solid two days of Single Mommydom (single parents…you are amazing). Not only is my single sister-in-law incredibly good with Jojo, she’s the easiest houseguest to have EVER. She offers all the assistance & helpfulness of my own mom without the guilt or not-so-subtle hints about us re-doing the kitchen (or bathroom. or other bathroom. or porch. or basement. or garage.). PLUS, I can always count on her to rent some good chick flicks with me.

See. That wasn’t too difficult. And only 2 days late. It’s good to be grateful anytime, though, right?
Whoa. That was like a major glass-half-full kind of statement.

Oh, I thought of another one. Random thoughts of half-fulled-ness create more of them, so like the glass is full (I’m going to copyright that, obviously, so back off).

6. The incorrect perception at work that I can and do work fluently with programs like Quark and Adobe PhotoShop and something else I don’t even know what the F it does. Also: that I’m the expert in the following areas: mass communication, marketing, advertising, graphic design & qualitative research. Let me assure you…I did not pad my CV with false accomplishments or skills. I don’t know where some of these grandiose ideas came from, but I can tell you, I’ve been in meetings where a coworker doesn’t know I’m there and says things like “Stacy knows how to do this.” All eyes turn to me, and my eyes grow wide with fear. I choke out a “uh, no I don’t, but I can probably look into it” and there, I’ve done it. I’ve screwed myself. SO, I guess it’s not all everyone else, but it’s not like I’m tootin’ my own fake horn of skillitude. So while I still correct people when they assume I know how to launch a multi-media campaign, I don’t freak out (as much). What I’ve come to realize and appreciate is that I can figure out who can do it and get the job done. I’m grateful that people expect a lot out of me rather than don’t consider me for projects because I’m a useless turd wrangler. [Edited to add: I just consulted with another coworker on brochure designs because she was told "Stacy can help you with brochures. She's our expert in brochure design." Um. I've never created a brochure before. Fuck.]

-image-Executive Decision

July 2, 2007 | Jojo,What the J?

Sorry for the delays. You’re all probably so DONE with What the J? and our laziness at picking last week’s winner… and with Mr. Squirrel all ‘going to work’ and ‘watching the Mets’ or even ‘measuring the bathroom because YES, someday, we will be without pink tiles,’ he’s not available for ass-sitting and caption picking.

The onus of this Winning Caption Selection (and thereby, all complaints can come to me! Joys!) is on my humble shoulders this week. Without further b.s., HERE IS YOUR WINNING CAPTION:

Fly Mr. Squirrel! Fly like the wind!!!

Congratulations, Sandy!! Ding ding double ding you WIN!!
Act NOW to claim your prize by emailing me with your home address! Unless you don’t want the fabulous(ish) prize!!