Most Useful Christmas Gift EVER
January 17, 2008 | bitterness, holidays
One of my dear friends sent me a funky purple business card holder for Christmas, among a cornucopia of other awesome gifts. I needed a business card holder, so I was all “perfect!”
And then I opened the holder…and glory be to evil… lookee what I have:
The gift that keeps on giving… a stack of cards to let people know that they’re a douche. Really, a public service gift. Maybe I will have to return to this Moe’s…
Today, had I the opportunity, I would have bestowed this gift upon:
a. The creator of Windows Vista, who should now be referred to as Ginormous Douchebag Creator of Windows Vista, the Douchiest Douche Platform in the World.
b. The asshat officer (who happened to be the one who ticketed me) almost causing a traffic accident because he’s unable to continue onward in traffic from the far right lane to a safe place to turn around (like, I dunno, a SIDE STREET) and head the other direction (but oh no– it’s ok for YOU to pull a u-turn without an apparent emergency and block two lanes of law-abiding traffic)
c. At least two jackelopes on the highway today who are unskilled at the art of DRIVING THE SPEED LIMIT. No ice. No snow. No rain. Just idiots who enjoy driving exceedingly slow.
d. My coworker, Dirk. Some people may disagree with my opinion, but still. I think he’s a douche. Here’s why: one of the women in the office, with two pre-K/Kindergartenish kids emailed three of us with toddlers about two nice toys she has that her kids no longer play with. She asked if any of us were interested in them. I emailed her back and said I would be interested in both, but that if the other two parents were interested in them as well, I’d prefer Toy A over Toy B. She emailed me back to say that Dirk emailed her first and took both toys. Is that douche-card-worthy behavior or am I just a douche myself? Someone is a douche in this scenario… (and I actually could give him one of these cards, but he’d flip his lid. He can’t handle a joke anymore. douche.)
Another bonus to this gift? My urban asshole notification cards also fit in the holder!
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January 17th, 2008 at 4:06 pm, barnmouse Says:
OMG I love those cards. I’m not sure I’d have the guts to actually give them out though. If I did I’d have given one to ol’ Dirk! I’m with you. I would have said that both the toys would be great, but if someone else wanted them too, I’d be willing to share. Some people, I swear!
January 17th, 2008 at 4:13 pm, Erin Says:
That might be the best gift ever given!
January 17th, 2008 at 4:20 pm, Audrey Says:
Simply put? That gift is amazing.
January 17th, 2008 at 4:51 pm, Marriage-101 Says:
Holy crap I need one of these!
January 17th, 2008 at 4:56 pm, Kristabella Says:
That is the best. Gift. Evah.
I need to get those. Please share where I can get those. I can hand them out EVERYWHERE!
And also, I hate Vista. Why? Why did I need Vista? What was wrong with regular Windows? Stoopid Bill Gates.
January 17th, 2008 at 5:18 pm, SJ Says:
Best gift ever - you are indeed right about that! I could put those suckers too good use. And ah-hem, I work for Microsoft. But I take no offense. Really. I don’t.
January 17th, 2008 at 6:15 pm, Isabel Says:
Holy hell…this is some awesome shiz.
January 17th, 2008 at 7:52 pm, Becca Says:
Those are awesome! And Dirk the Douche needs to get some manners. Douche.
January 17th, 2008 at 10:27 pm, Sallyacious Says:
I don’t know, I once told a group of colleagues who were at our house for a party that we were getting a new Ink Jet printer, and one of them said, “Oh! I’ll take your old one!”
Um.
We were planning on giving the old one to a charity. But that afternoon she walked out the door with our old printer. We haven’t thrown a party since because we don’t want to invite her, and if she found out we were having a party, she’d just assume she was invited too and come without our asking.
So, though Dirk may be selfish, there are degrees of that vice, and he’s much lower down the list than many.
January 18th, 2008 at 10:33 am, Keri Says:
Dirk is the douche and those cards are the best things I’ve ever seen.
January 18th, 2008 at 1:47 pm, Hollow Squirrel » Shame Spiral Says:
[…] to head to Dunkin Donuts to grab me a medium half-caff french vanilla with skim & sugar. How undouchey is that? And then he insisted I not pay for […]
January 18th, 2008 at 4:17 pm, Nic Says:
I LOVE the gift.
And as for Dirk? Well, I probably would have been bummed that he got to the toys first.
January 18th, 2008 at 4:18 pm, Rachel Says:
Dude! That gift ROCKS!!!!!
January 19th, 2008 at 3:06 pm, Britt Says:
Those are wonderful! I have parking tickets of a similar nature that I distribute from time to time.
January 20th, 2008 at 6:30 pm, Hollow Squirrel » Paging Dr. Douche, Paging Dr. Douche Says:
[…] may need to order some refills […]
February 6th, 2008 at 6:14 am, Swistle Says:
Okay, those are too, too awesome.
May 14th, 2008 at 1:50 pm, Hollow Squirrel » You know how sometimes… Says:
[…] are laughing at me (LAUGHING!)(AT ME!) (DON’T THEY KNOW I HAVE DOUCHE CARDS I WILL SEND THEM FOR THEIR MOCKERY???) for looking so late in the […]