-image-TeethGate ’08…an update

January 22, 2008 | Jojo

Ohhhhh what a weekend it’s been. Nothing like an accident involving your toddler to send you over the edge into raging hormonal protective, smothering momma bear mode.

Yesterday, before the fall, Jojo and I helped daddy tear down the basement, as isn’t now, at 8 months pregnant a great time for us to redo the basement? On our own? No? Good, you agree with me. Just look at me. That, in case you’re shocked, is not a maternity shirt…I’m just too cheap to buy a long sleeved white maternity tshirt. This picture makes a strong case for me shelling out some dough for something a tad less boob-flattening and a tad more belly-covering. For shame.

Back to Jojo. Here’s me and Jojo in the basement, covering our ears while Mr. Squirrel sledgehammertimes one of the old built-in shelves buh-bye:

Jojo empathized with daddy’s struggle to pry the wall apart with a crowbar and actually made grunting noises to assist with the process. Too bad I didn’t capture that with our video camera, but I’m fairly certain the shrieking sound the wood made would have drowned out Jojo’s adorable grunts.

We were having such a great time. Really, we were. We took a nice lunch break, all took naps, then resumed work in the basement afterwards. I forgot why I headed back upstairs, but was just a flight up when I heard little Jojo yell for me: “mommy mommy! Come HERE! (little feet running running running) SMACK!!!!!!!! silence silence silence (CRYING SCREAMING)”

Mr. Squirrel had heard the smack, too, and had dropped his sledgehammer to bring the bleedy Jojo upstairs, all the time kissing his soft head and whispering ‘you’reOKyou’reOKyou’reOK’ but giving me the ‘he’s not OK’ look when they got upstairs.

Since neither of us saw him fall onto the metal-plated stair, we worked with what we immediately saw: a bloody lip. I wrapped frozen peas in a paper towel and tried to apply it to Jojo’s face, but he was hysterical. His bottom teeth looked fine, and we couldn’t see his top teeth.

Once we got him somewhat calmed down, we gently lifted his top lift and noticed his front left tooth and the tooth next to it were angled inward and holy schnikees, did that look painful. We immediately called my mom, a pediatric nurse practitioner.

She calmly asked us questions and answered our worried questions. We iced his mouth, gave him Motrin and checked his mouth the best we could (seeing if the teeth were loose; any other cuts, etc.). She didn’t think there would be any use of going to the ER. She recommended we check daily his top teeth to see if an abcess above those teeth and to note any change in color, as they may turn gray or black. They may even fall out. But for now, they remain.

We decided to call our pediatrics office just to see if they would like to see Jojo. That didn’t go so well.

We also called our neighbor, a dentist, who wasn’t home and didn’t call us until yesterday morning. We brought Jojo in to see Dr. Tony, who took an xray and doesn’t think his jaw development or adult teeth will be affected by the fall. He, too, suspects the teeth may turn gray or black, though.

Jojo doesn’t appear to be in any discomfort now. A pretty nasty little bruise sits next to his nose and the left side of his upper lip is extremely puffy. His teeth look jacked, and they may end up looking much worse in the near future. But did I mention the damage doesn’t look permanent and he’s not in pain? Whew. That’s really all that matters. That and he’s still smiling:

Albeit, just a little jack-o-latern-y:

Things which ease little boys’ bruises and ouchies (well, besides Thomas the Tank Engine and Elmo band-aids):

He leapt around the living room yelling “Mommy bought popsicles for ME! Mommy bought popsicles for ME!”
Oh precious, I would have bought you a pony if that would have stopped the tears. (note to self: delete this sentence when he’s old enough to find blog.)

Thank you for the well-wishes. Jojo’s doing amazingly well. The teeth don’t appear to be changing colors (yet)…but that’s ok if they do, ‘cuz didn’t you hear? Black is the new gold!

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Also: Check out our latest What the J(ojo)? contest!
And: Don’t be left out off the Quadrant!

-image-What the J(ojo)?

January 21, 2008 | Jojo,What the J?

As I prepare an update after Jojo’s accident, I’ll post a picture from days of yore…when teeth weren’t jacked, lips weren’t puffed and bruises didn’t mar his pretty little face… instead, just some chocolate mar his face. And really? That’s pure lickable.

Jojo’s doing really well and I will update you tomorrow. If I have time tomorrow, I will also be calling the pediatrician’s office…I think I needed a couple of days to calm down.

Caption this, my friends and win a prize:

-image-Paging Dr. Douche, Paging Dr. Douche

January 20, 2008 | bitterness,Jojo

I may need to order some refills soon…

My question to you: how long do you expect to wait after requesting the on-call pediatrician to call you on a Sunday because your precious, adorable toddler fell mouth first onto the metal-plated stairs and cut his mouth AND two of his top teeth are angled in at a painful angle and he can’t eat anything slightly hard?

It’s been over TWO HOURS. We’ve called the paging service twice now.

UPDATE: It took threeee hours and three phone calls for the asshat to call us. He claims a ‘mix-up’ — I agree, but I fear the mix-up happened when you were granted your medical license. Seriously, this doctor is by far the least popular in the practice for a reason.

He had NO idea what to do, either. He’s “not a dentist. Call your dentist.” Uh, thanks.

We hadn’t taken Jojo to the ER because first, we had called my mom, a pediatric nurse practitioner who told us there was nothing really we COULD do but give him Tylenol or Motrin, serve his soft and cold foods and watch for an abscess to develop or the teeth to turn gray. If we were brave we could try to put pressure the teeth and try to pull them back into place. That hasn’t gone so well.

We also left a message with our nice neighbor, a dentist, but he’s not home. I just wanted a repeat of the advice my mom gave us from our stupid pediatrician, but he had nothing. BAH.

-image-Shame Spiral

January 18, 2008 | The Office

Yeah, the project’s going great… so much spare time to BLOG. I’m sure my whip-bearers would agree.

But I must say: I’m heading down the ol’ shame spiral. Why? Cuz Dirk saw how stressed I was and offered to head to Dunkin Donuts to grab me a medium half-caff french vanilla with skim & sugar. How undouchey is that? And then he insisted I not pay for it.

Now, I ask you… can I bring sunscreen to hell or is it banned for my maximum pain?

-image-Am I the only mom

Deep Thoughts Friday,Jojo,Mr. Squirrel,The Office

who has to explain to her toddler why we cannot have black olives for breakfast (well, besides the fact that he ate all of the black olives the other night, so we’re just plain out)?

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On the work front, forecast appears gloomy… I have a large large DRAFT of a project due today. The word DRAFT is highlighted to let you know that it’s a DRAFT, even though the two people who need the DRAFT acted like it was suppose to be a final product even though I have email evidence that we had discussed its draftedness several times over the past couple of months. DRAFT DRAFT DRAFT. They also, in the past, casually mentioned how ‘easy’ it would be to slap together and should be like 10 pages. Um, currently? Your easy slapdash project looks to be 25 pages plus 48 pages of appendix. Suck it.

WAIT…we have a break in the gloom– one of my officemates brought me in a big ass doughnut! Out of the goodness of her heart! And she revealed it just after I made my daily “I want a doughnut” whine. I think I might love her.

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Mr. Squirrel returns this evening from his business trip to the flooded countryside of Jolly Wet England! Whew. I wasn’t too thrilled with him leaving for a week. I may have acted a tad passive aggressive before he left (I know! Shocker!), but when I dropped him off at the airport, the strength and length to which I hugged him and immediately missed him surprised me in a good way.

I still bitched and moaned to anyone who would listen that he left us! With me 31 weeks pregnant! And he’s off again in a month for a trip to Shanghai!!! JERK! But then we talked on the phone, and he told me about the horrible flight overseas: something about a bad beef dish, then something about getting the chills, sweating profusely, dehydrating…then passing out in his seat, only to be tapped awake by a concerned flight attendant. Poor Mr. Squirrel! The pity party doesn’t end there, though! There’s more: upon landing, he and his colleagues had to go straight to the company they are visiting and begin a full work day– not easy when you feel like a hot mess and are crapping your pants. Also: diarrhea + countryside in deep stages of mass flooding = not so effective flushing of toilets. At the company you’re visiting. So everyone knows it’s you. The visiting new guy. Ooooh the horror.

I’m sure he’ll thank me for sharing this Special Story.

Ok, now back to my DRAFT document which is due in less than 5 hours…

-image-Most Useful Christmas Gift EVER

January 17, 2008 | bitterness,holidays

One of my dear friends sent me a funky purple business card holder for Christmas, among a cornucopia of other awesome gifts. I needed a business card holder, so I was all “perfect!”

And then I opened the holder…and glory be to evil… lookee what I have:

The gift that keeps on giving… a stack of cards to let people know that they’re a douche. Really, a public service gift. Maybe I will have to return to this Moe’s…

Today, had I the opportunity, I would have bestowed this gift upon:

a. The creator of Windows Vista, who should now be referred to as Ginormous Douchebag Creator of Windows Vista, the Douchiest Douche Platform in the World.

b. The asshat officer (who happened to be the one who ticketed me) almost causing a traffic accident because he’s unable to continue onward in traffic from the far right lane to a safe place to turn around (like, I dunno, a SIDE STREET) and head the other direction (but oh no– it’s ok for YOU to pull a u-turn without an apparent emergency and block two lanes of law-abiding traffic)

c. At least two jackelopes on the highway today who are unskilled at the art of DRIVING THE SPEED LIMIT. No ice. No snow. No rain. Just idiots who enjoy driving exceedingly slow.

d. My coworker, Dirk. Some people may disagree with my opinion, but still. I think he’s a douche. Here’s why: one of the women in the office, with two pre-K/Kindergartenish kids emailed three of us with toddlers about two nice toys she has that her kids no longer play with. She asked if any of us were interested in them. I emailed her back and said I would be interested in both, but that if the other two parents were interested in them as well, I’d prefer Toy A over Toy B. She emailed me back to say that Dirk emailed her first and took both toys. Is that douche-card-worthy behavior or am I just a douche myself? Someone is a douche in this scenario… (and I actually could give him one of these cards, but he’d flip his lid. He can’t handle a joke anymore. douche.)

Another bonus to this gift? My urban asshole notification cards also fit in the holder!

-image-Get your fresh hot quadrant!

January 16, 2008 | Quadrant Plotting

Ok, so all ya’ll who were all “I didn’t get in on the last quadrant” had better buck up and vote for the following axis:

1. Love.Hot/Loathe.Not: Matthew McConaughy
2. Love/Loathe: poetry (and I’m not talking dirty limericks which are always good fun)

These two features are not cut and dry, so let me know where on the continuum you lie/lay/lounge.

-image-Why I love blogging

blogger birthday bonanza!

One of the many reasons is the opportunity to find new bloggers, like Minnesota Mom! Just look at her– she’s sooo Minnesota! And I should know, having lived there five wonderful years.

Sigh. Minnesota. How I miss thee…

But back to Minnesota Mom. She’s funny (a big hit with yours truly)…proof in the pudding (random off-shoot about pudding…I tried a new recipe that was a take on rice pudding but using cottage cheese, milk, vanilla pudding mix and cinnamon. Um, Jojo h.a.t.e.d it…it’s like I forced him to try vegemite or something. THREE small curds of EVIL forced him to go face down onto a napkin, where he forceably wiped his tongue free of the nastiness…)… BACK TO my story about Minnesota Mom… ok, so she posts bad poetry.

Honestly, I appreciate her admittance that that is whack, cuz hello. Wha? And don’t bother trying to explain it to me. I’m just not a poetry person. In fact, MM may have just inspired a quadrant axis.

Minnesota Mom is the type of person I think would make me pee myself with her quick wit, if we were to meet. Therefore, if I ever do meet her, I will make sure to wear an adult diaper.

Check out Minnesota Mom and wish her a loontacular birthday!

-image-I hate it when…

January 14, 2008 | bitterness,The Office

I forget my invisibility cloak on the way into the office…and one of your favorite coworkers sees you, says “Hi Stacy!” and then another coworker, who you (frankly) despise (and who is visually impaired so she MAY not have noticed you…before your other coworker RUINED IT FOR YOU) says “ooooh Stacy! Can you fill in for me in a conference call in 10 minutes? Good thanks.” And then you’re left there… with a look on your face that screams “oh fucking hell are you fucking kidding me?” and another coworker laughs at you and so you trudge to your office, passing two more coworkers who are all “uh, hey… howzit going” kind of being a jackass, so you raise your middle finger and say ‘fuck all ya’ll’ and go turn on your computer and consider quitting but then you’d have to change insurance right before CMcF is due and that would probably be a paperwork nightmare, so you get on the conference call (after having to trudge your annoyed ass down to your annoying coworker’s office to ask her…like… um, who I do call into because I know nothing about it) and she tries to downplay the conference call by suggesting you “multitask” during it but “make sure you take notes for me” so… um… yeah.

So you call in and all the other bumblefuck participants are jolly ranchin’ on and kind of just hosing around and then I notice the email my coworker printed for me says the conference call will be 90 minutes long and I don’t have a speaker phone and sit in a big office with two other coworkers, so I get to cradle the phone in my neck and that should be fun…eventually the call gets started and then there’s one participant out of a part of Florida where people apparently talk r…e…a…l…l…y s…l…o…w (there were two…so I can generalize, right? good) and don’t understand the etiquette of conference calling such as:

- do NOT talk to yourself and mutter along and TALK TO YOUR STUPID SELF MY GOD during a conference call because WE CAN ALL HEAR how ridiculously stupid you are
and
- cover the mouthpiece (or use this crazy button called MUTE) when another coworker enters your office so that we don’t have to listen to your conversation with them about the fact that you are on a conference call and you’ll try to find them later and OH MY GOD PEOPLE haven’t conference calls been around a while?

Then again, I should probably shut it because of any day ever that the coworker in the office next to mine (my former, private office…sniff) decided to hammer effffffing nails into the wall to hang things? Oh yes, that was today. During the conference call. So then I’m covering the mouthpiece (my phone doesn’t have mute) and giving the wall a look and making gestures and then decide fuck it and hold the phone up to the wall and let it go on a while and BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG and what the helllll was she putting in? A corkboard. I’m not sure, but I’m fairly certain it’s the most nailed in corkboard of all time. And then I resumed hand over mouthpiece and they’ll never know it was me, right?

Not only was the etiquette bad, the questions asked of the facilitators were embarrassing. So I took to “multi-tasking” which meant catching up on Google Reader and trying to figure out why my gmail account doesn’t work at work. And I did a titch of work..you know the ridiculously huge project (due for my annoying coworker) on Friday that I wasn’t able to focus on because I had to listen to morons ask moronic questions.

Serenity.
Now.

-image-Why I like my moms group…

January 13, 2008 | random randomness

Even though a few of the 80 moms make me swear under my breath, roll my eyes or threaten to quit, for the most part, I really love my moms group…especially when you find this at the end of the weekly email:

Thank you to the entire membership for retaining their sense of humor in light of the inadvertent inclusion of an active link to a porn site in last week’s weekly email. And just because none of us are featured on that site, it doesn’t mean we are not hot chicks in our own right!