-image-When Multitasking Goes Awry

September 30, 2008 | The Office

Here I am, at the office on my last day, admiring my $30 (max) plant, and finishing up my third dessert from the luncheon. The plant really is quite nice. Too bad it will be dead within a few weeks.

So I tried catching up on some of my blogs while pumping, and was managing quite nicely, even commenting while pumping. Not a drop was wasted or lost…until, I tried reading up on what my favorite robot-building couple was up to WHILE transferring the precious liquid gold milk into the storage bags.

That’s when I felt a sudden wetness all over my legs and realized with horror that I’d just lost SEVERAL VALUABLE OUNCES of breastmilk all over my new black pants. And I’m guessing Febrezin’ these pants won’t cut it.

I’m a moron. An almost-unemployed, nay, FREE, moron.

-image-Tomorrow is my LAST DAY!

September 29, 2008 | The Office,trips down amnesia lane

I know… Tuesdays are always a good last day, right? It’s the last day of the month, when my grant-funded position ends, which is why it’s a Tuesday; and, I don’t work Mondays. Makes sense, yes? Good.

When I told people I was leaving, several people mentioned having a goodbye party, which at our place of employment usually entails a half-assed, barely attended gathering of a good 8 awkward minutes of cake eating. A card circulates, is signed and sometimes a gift is purchased. There’s no hard and fast rules…some people who truly deserve cake and a gift, such as our recently departed temporary receptionist (who also served as a fabulous graduate assistant for two years prior) just scored a cake. It’s just bad, so I told my friends, “NO PARTY.” End of story.

The story, nevertheless, continues with the email I (hopefully accidentally) received announcing the card-passing and $30 plant purchasing. Have I told you of my green thumb before? No? That’s because I kill plants. Let’s add another notch to my Murdered Plant Belt now, since its demise is inevitable.

How will this last day compare to others? Let’s take a trip back to some memorable work departures of YesterYear…

Location: Minneapolis
Year: 2001 (maybe? memory issues)
Last Day: This departure was very bittersweet, as I was leaving not only my job, but the city and my wonderful friends to move to be with Mr. Squirrel in Chicago. Leaving the job was the easiest, but most of my bestest friends worked at the job with me, so *sob* I really had to hold it together on my last day…

And then the singing cowboy showed up at my desk. The who in the what now, you query? Oh yes, a frigging old man dressed as a cowboy. Seriously.

SEEMS AS THOUGH on of my naughtier troublemaking friends at our west coast office thought the usual send off (which, at this company, was almost always thoughtful, well-prepared and bountiful in yummy goodies) just wasn’t Stacy Enough. Oh no, something “SPECIAL” needed to be done, he thought from his cozy little cube out in SanFran…yes, I think we should chip in for a SINGING COWBOY.

Now, you may not know this about me, but I don’t enjoy being the center of attention. No really. OK, well, let me explain: I do enjoy being the center of attention on my terms, but being plunked down in the center of a growing crowd of coworkers while Cowboy Bill rambles off a (very long) (and very personalized) song about me with everyone looking at me for my reaction? Awwwful. Sweet serenity then the guy wouldn’t leave. Should I tip him? Do I have to escort him off the ranch? What’s the protocol? I just want him to giddy up on outta there and leave me to die in peace.

Honestly though, that wasn’t my weirdest last day.

So on my first job in Minneapolis, I worked a stone’s throw from the BFM. Near the BFM were some new hotels, hastily constructed for the shopping masses, and a few older hotels servicing the airport nearby. One of the oldest motels, a theme motel/”conference hall” motel, also had a kitchy diner and separate bar. I am talking BEYOND themed. I am talking Frank on Trading Spaces would d.i.e. of the kitsch. It was southwest theme…but like the old southwest…like stuffed wolves and thick lacquered tables made from the stump of an old old redwood and then more dead animals and I can’t even TELL YOU HOW CRAZY AWESOME the diner and bar were. It was so over the flipping top that it couldn’t even be offensive to natives of the southwest, cuz they probably would just drop dead of the crazy. I hearted this place because of its craziness, and unfortunately, it’s been Ramadafied since I’ve left. Snif Snif. But anyway my coworkers knew of my unwavering love of the Pow Wow Cocktail Lounge…so that must be why they decided, at 4:30 pm on my last day, to throw a black bag over my head and kidnap me.

What? Oh yes. It was like a gang beatdown initiation except that was no beating. So not really anything like a gang beatdown.

But I was tossed into the back of a coworkers car and driven around the south Minneapolis suburb in an attempt to throw off our final location, which I kept yelling had BETTER BE THE G.D. POW WOW LOUNGE! No matter how many off ramps we traversed or how many spins through the BFM parking ramp we took, I knew we’d end up sipping some weak ass drinks at my favorite dark and dirty bar. And we did. I’m still not sure why the whole kidnapping shakedown had to happen. I worked with some wacky peeps…and no, the guy who wore Big Dog pajamas to work and had a minor cocaine problem did not touch me through this escapade, although I’m sure he got tanked at the bar and ended up further staining his already stained tshirt.

So could tomorrow be any crazier than these two fine examples of how to send off a beloved employee? Time will tell…

-image-One. Day. LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 26, 2008 | The Office

Parting words of wisdom for some of my coworkers:

1. If you send out an email to almost the entire staff about getting a gift for a departing colleague, don’t include that colleague on the email distribution list. Especially when you set a $30 limit on the plant you’re going to get her. Why not just get her one of those tasty new marinated pork burritos from Moe’s? Just a suggestion…

2. Remember that $10 you owe me? And that book of mine that you took home? I want my money, and I want my book, mainly because I just kind of don’t like you all that much.

3. Get that stick out of your ass.

4. I think you might need a hearing aid, and there’s nothing wrong with that…trust me, it will help.

5. You might want to look into anti-depressants.

6. Your new chairs look much better in your office, but dump that country cat calendar.

7. Lying about when a report is due and making sure to say it in front of a bunch of people to make me look incompetent doesn’t work. They’re all onto you. Everyone is onto you. As I said in my email, I won’t have that report done by the time I leave because it’s not DUE September 30th…it’s due DECEMBER 30th. Fool me once on a report due date, shame on me. Fool me twice? And I’ll burn down your office. I mean, I’m not falling for that again (um, and the last time? I got it done FIVE MONTHS EARLY). Also? You suck.

-image-7 random things GO!

September 25, 2008 | Me,random randomness

My good friend, Lizzie, you know… the one bringing back the perm (yes. I said PERM.), just did a 7 Random Things post, and considering I neeeed to post and have a lot of loose ends to wrap up on recent events, I’ll do it all wham bam 7 random things ma’am. Buckle up, chicaritas:

1. I have a piece of graphite in my right palm from this girl, Pattie, in 2nd grade, who stabbed me with her pencil.

2. I have successfully stayed away from Make Me a Celebrity on Facebook since dumping it. I have a lot more time on my hands, you know, to become addicted to another show.

3. We finally have Season 2 of The Wire in from Netflix, and I’m beyond sad to say it’s no first season. It gets better, right? RIGHT? I’m not giving up. I can’t give up on my boys and this man’s beautiful voice. I’d blissfully listen to him read Rush Limbaugh’s books to me. Or phonebooks.

4. I have a really bad habit of pulling my hair. Not like in a pull-it-out kind of way, but in a weird, calming stroking way. Oh yes, you say, hair twirling. No. Not hair twirling…that’s kind of endearing, sometimes. My habit? I look like an idiot doing it, but it’s something I’ve done for as long as I can remember, and it totally calms me. I don’t realize I’m doing it until I’m staring off in space, surrendering to the calm. I also do it when I’m tired. AND NO, my hair’s not going to fall out from it. Good try, though.

5. Tomorrow is my half day at work. I really need to read that book for bookclub in the afternoon, but I’m sure instead I’ll do something stupid like go grocery shopping and then try to fake having read the book on Wednesday night. Good news, though — one of the moms volunteered to have it at her house. whew.

6. I have to find a new therapist, since she’s not covered on my husband’s insurance and do I really want to pay a $50 copay to go outside the netowrk? Hecknola. I broke up with her on her voicemail today, and then she left a “it was really great learning that you’re a nutjob” on my home answering machine. I will miss her.

7. I will really miss the taco salad special at the cafe across the hall from our new offices. That was one damn good taco salad.

-image-The BEST thing about crying at work

September 23, 2008 | The Office

Oh right. There’s not one. The tell-tale red eyes, the tight jaw as you TRY not to let the tears leave their quivering perch on your lower eyelids, the clenched fists.

AND then I dropped a pink highlighter on my pants, so my crotch is hot pink.

-image-Choose Your Own Addiction

September 22, 2008 | Me,TV/movie addiction

Not too many people know these couple of things I’m so into right now, as I’m kind of embarrassed by them, so why not just tell you. You’ll keep my secret, right? Thanks!

The Rachel Zoe Project. How’d this happen? I’ll be the first to admit, I knew she was a stylist to the stars and then something happened when people were shitting on her (figuratively) and it was fun (for others) to hate on her. That kind of piqued my interest, but I also thought “so what. How can this be good?” Oh Stacy. I watched one episode, found her tone irritating, her seemingly faux-accented, uncombed and terribly rude assistant needing a kick in her arse, and well, I canceled the Tivo Season Pass immediately. Done, I exclaimed! DONE! I don’t need that. OR sooo I thought. I don’t know what pulled me back, but I cannot wait for Episode 3. Yes, Rachel’s tone and word selection bugs, but her passion for clothes and shopping sprees keeps me glued. Her new assistant Brad is so sweet and so rightfully frightened of Taylor (the rude assistant), and Taylor…well, she got a talking to for being a big ol’ messy brat. How did she get the job? That’s my goal for watching the show. Because seriously? How did she get the job? I’m not seeing her qualifications — like perhaps an innate fashion sense? Nope. Um… yeah, but she can text pretty fast. That must be it. As a soon to be unemployed American, I would like some lessons on How To Snag a Kick Ass Job and Still Be a Big Ol’ Whiny Bitch and Score Some Cool Swag in the Process.

Make Me a Celebrity on Facebook. Seriously. Stop me now. I’m at the Viper Room, adding peeps to my entourage, working as a car show model to buy myself some nice Chopard bling and my first Hollywood studio apartment. Should I spend my hard earned cash on a $60,000 Hermes crocodile Birkin or save it for a pricey Chippendale (of the furniture variety)? Or use it for a comedic coach to improve my craft. Somehow, I have five dogs, a boat and several cars (including a Hummer). I don’t remember buying them; maybe I scored them during some fortuitous celebrity run-in while working as an extra on a sitcom. People, I’ve been busy. But I’ll remember you when I get big. I promise.

One of these time wastes has to go. I’m going to send one packing — vote it off my island so they say — let’s see. YES, I’m going to delete Make Me a Celebrity from my Facebook applications TODAY. I haven’t even opened The TimeSuck that is Facebook today because I knew I’d want to work major gigs and check on my entourage in between diaper changes to make it to the BigShot level, and honestly, this is no way will help me with any of the pathetically lame short term goals in my REAL life (like cleaning off the dining room table just once a month, putting away the bills, let alone PAYING the bills). So goodbye MMac, and sorry to those in my entourage. It was fun while it lasted, but this girl is leaving Hollywood for Upstate New York and settling down with her family.

-image-You Can’t HANDLE the Cuteness

September 21, 2008 | Jojo,The Nugget

I’m looking at you, Rachel.

See? I told you. Ack! The Nugget in full sitting mode.

While he may be short on lengthy napping skilz, this kid has personality up the ying and the yang.

And his hair color? Shear genius, my friends. This poorly taken picture (Note Nikon Marketing Folks: Hi. I’ll whore myself and my blog out for a D80. Oh yes I will. Please send asap!) doesn’t do the strawberry brunette soft fuzz justice. I swear, if I hadn’t birthed him, I’d think he’s the latest strawberry shortcake doll, called Nummy Berry CuteThighs. NUMMY NOSH NOSH. He’s so stinking cute I almost want to run upstairs and wake him from his (sure to be 25 minute) nap. But then again, I’m not completely loco.

Now to further my A Few Good Men reference…

I Can’t Handle the Pain — that adorable bottom tooth (his first!) is cutting not so sweet rugs on ye ol’ boobies. I forgot about that unfortunate sawing action from Breastfeeding of YesterYear.

AS IF YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE with the cuteness, let me assure you: you are WRONGER than Steve Jobs using the word FUNNER.

Cuz let me reintroduce you to my toddler, Jojo. This kid? Killlllls me softly with his cuteness + voice + dramatic body language + verbiage. Oh this boy. Seriously. Remember the popsicle incident? This morning, my husband bought, at the request of our big, blue-eyed boy, brownie mix (‘for mommy’), meatballs and yellow watermelon.

UGH I’m surrounded by cute boys and couldn’t be happier.

-image-Live! From the Martha Stewart show!

September 17, 2008 | TV/movie addiction

Whew! We made it! In typical almost-pee-myself fashion, my alarm clock failed to go off, and I had to rush through my morning routine and several highways to get to the train station in time. Remarkably, I made it into the station, with tickets in hand with 15 minutes to spare. I even beat my traveling partner, who unfortunately failed to pick up the coffees.

And then the train’s food car was nonoperational. I could feel the hydration sucking from my body and a caffeine-deficient migraine heading my way…

THEN we got shushed by some d-bag because we were (seriously) quietly talking in the “quiet cars.” Then Amtrak screwed the pooch by having intermittent electrical outletage, so I couldn’t pump on the train. And yes, pumping on an Amtrak sounds really sexy, doesn’t it?

Thankfully, Martha’s people took care of me and let me pump in the (EXCLUSIVE) Martha Stewart Employee Bathroom! OMG too bad I didn’t have a camera.

2 minutes away now from Martha! And did I tell you Perez Hilton is here? And I think one of the contestants from Top Design (the cutie blonde guy)! ACK!

*****sidenote: Facebook, you can suck it!
*****other sidenote: Martha kicks some serious ass. They should make us pay a cover for this rockin’ music! SEriously!

THERE SHE IS! SHE’S SOOOOO PRRRREEETTTYYYYYY!

oh my foot was just shown! Sweet!

Martha is gorgeous, and her set looks a lot different from the last time I was here — still ridiculously gorgeous and perfect. The yellow paint in the crafting area? Gorgeous. Is kidnapping/forcing her to decorate my house still a felony?

WAIT — I think I was in the bathroom (pumping) with her sister! OMG! Had I known, I would have hugged her!

I love Martha…have I mentioned that?

Martha’s now talking about Martha’s blog circle…I’m confident I will not be invited into the blog circle. She has no room for bitter rants and streaming obscenities. I think. I might be wrong. Come on Martha!

We get a Cute Overload calendar! Woot! Swag Score! And a book! Swag Score!
I gotta tell you, you can’t give a camera to 4 people. That’s just cruel. Doesn’t she watch Oprah?

Next up: Perez Hilton! Ooh I love how Martha says “Perez.” Lovely.

Oh he’s lost some serious weight! This is hilarious! Martha is hilarious. Can I just tell you? Martha is gorgeous. Have I mentioned that?

Perez looks fantastic! Good for you, Mario.

Tips from Perez on how to make it big:
1. Get a schtick.
1a. Find out if Target sells schticks.
2. Work your ass off.
3. Don’t be afraid to network. Ask for things.
4. WAIT WE’RE MISSING THE LAST TWO
5. NOW I WILL TOTALLY FAIL

Martha is AWESOME and Perez just asked her a question about whether her financial worth (which is printed) is accurate, in a totally nice jokey way to counter her inqueries regarding the money he makes blogging, and let me tell you, this woman can joke about her unfortunate incarceration like no other. Seriously, the grace and humor with which she deals with this is amazing. Kudos, gorgeous Martha!

Next guest: Matt from www.mattbites.com. He’s totally adorable. He’s teaching Martha how to make this cookie which I THINK I see in the kitchen, so PLEASE I’m starving (and breastfeeding — need the calories — don’t make me pull the breastfeednig card again, because I so will. So quick you’ll get a papercut). SHOW ME THE COOKIES!!!!!!!!

The girl next to me is surfing some porn site…now she’s pretending she’s not. Too late, dirtygirl, I hit PUBLISH! Ok fine, she was just doing some “research” on someone in the audience.

I need some serious nourishment. We didn’t get cookies. *sob*

SOS: I’m stuck in the Martha Stewart Show audience and STARVING. Send doughnuts and water STAT.

Next segment: CRAFTING! Love this segment. The guest looks like one of the dudes from Top Design, but it might not be. I’ve been wrong before! Eddie Ross is the guy, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be on his site, attempting to be crafty and then having half-assed incomplete projects all over my dining room table. Thanks a lot, Eddie.

10:34 — I was right — he’s one of the contestants on Top Design. LOVE Top Design AND Eddie on the show, so this is a huge bonus guest for me!

10:38 — I have to say, I’m not sitting by my friend who came with me, but she doesn’t look like she’s having fun. How can you not have fun watching live tv being recorded???

Now onto the Politico dudes and Martha called Sarah Palin “Sharon.” Oops…but she corrected herself, and don’t worry, that’s much better than what I call her. One of the production assistants for this segment was in the bathroom with me! She was actually the least friendly people I ran into! Hi!!! Remember me, velvet pants girlie? I was the one washing out my breastpump accesories?!

10:42 — do you think it would be noticeable if I snuck up and grabbed one of those green apples in front of Martha? Honestly. Starving.

10:43 — battery running low…may poop out soon.

10:46 — I have to tell the cute production dude Joe, I try to follow directions, I really do, but I’m not sure what the two fingers pointed down and twirling around means… more quiet clapping? Faster quiet clapping or not quiet at all? I need a handout.

10:48 — oooh a pretty gardening blog. I love her pictures. Pretty. She uses a Nikon D40 though, so what do you expect? Yes, hubby, if you’re reading this, that’s a NIKON D40.

10:51 — Martha’s shoes rock. I love them. The last time I was here, she had some gorgeous red shiny heels, and this time, they’re pointy black perfect heels. Me likey. Swag? Unlikely.

battery done! bye! oh and we got a new printer! swag score!!!

-image-We’re Getting a Pony!

September 16, 2008 | Jojo,Mr. Squirrel

Yesterday, on the way back from flying a kite together, Jojo grabbed Mr. Squirrel’s face, stared into his eyes and said “I’m a good boy. You’re a good daddy. Can I have a popsicle, please??”

My Jojo’s got mad persuasion skills, not to mention the big blue eyes and batting eyelashes. Really? It’s difficult to say ‘no’ to him. Before he throws the tantrum or stomps his feet, he uses his manners, tilts his head, throws up his hands in a “it’s no big deal” sort of way and generally schmoozes us with his adorableness. Not to mention, he comes through with some damn good arguments…like the time a couple of weeks ago when I mentioned that it was time for a bath.

“I don’t want a bath. I’m not dirty at all.”

Mr. Squirrel and I looked at each other, looked over our clean little boy, and actually agreed with him. Instead, we played with him before storytime.

When Jojo wanted to play golf the other day (in our yard), what did my husband do? Instead of giving Jojo a putter or perhaps a stick, he took a 5 iron from the golfbag in our garage (filled with two (formerly) complete sets of clubs, neither which we’ve ever used), ran with it into the basement, and returned with a SAWED OFF club, duct taped at the end to make a grip. He SAWED OFF the 5 iron.

What’s the big deal, you say, you never used the golf clubs. YES, I understand that, but I could have possibly maybe sold them on Craig’s List to fund, say, my casualwear needs. I did, after all, FINALLY sell my Hello Kitty coffeemaker. OH YES I did. Well, I sent it. I haven’t received payment yet. I know, I know. I’m too trusting. As long as the recipient loves the Kitty, I’ll be fine with a donation.

BUT back to my point. My point is, my husband would hack off a golf club AND use a big ass stump removing tool to make the “hole” in our gravel driveway for our son… the hole which I’ve twisted my ankle on several times in the past couple of weeks…so Jojo can play “golf” for all of 3 seconds every five days. If Jojo suggested daddy build a ferris wheel on top of our garage and raise unicorns on the lot, Mr. Squirrel would probably start construction this evening (and searching the interweb for unicorn farms, natch).

Or ponies. Ponies…people… here’s where it could get ugly. Little known fact: when little Mr. Squirrel was a wee glasses wearing nerdlinger in rural France, he had his own pony. Well, not “his” own pony like in his yard, but a few pastures over or something, there was a horse farm and yadda yadda yadda, Mr. Squirrel was in charge of breaking in ponies, and he had his special pony, called SomethingIShouldRememberAsI’mHisWife. So Mr. Squirrel loves ponies and sweet love, people, this is sounding kind of wanky, so let me assure you, I am talking about ponies. But anyway, I can just SEEEEE us buying a pony someday and moving to the country (in that order) because Jojo or Nugget wants one and asks politely and tilts their combined cute noggins and Mr. Squirrel caves and buys one and then we get fined for having a pony on 1/182 of an acre in our village and we have to move to the country where I can’t walk to the CVS to get bad service and HELL, at least I can saddle up the boys and have them pick up some mascara for me.

With that said, good day to you.

WAIT, I lied. One more thing…

-image-And another thing…

bitterness,The Office

to continue on this Out of Work topic…

I’ve had the weekend to think about it, and yes, I’m still bitter and hurt, embarrassed and humiliated. But I’m back! At my desk! Ready to be kicked while my spirit is down!

Thankfully, many of my coworkers have expressed disbelief and wholehearted support, so that makes me feel a little bit better. But then I see the two people responsible for this whole ick, and I just feel my body caving in on itself. I want to hide behind the water cooler. Shrink behind a door. Put my head down and cry. I don’t want to be here. Is it bad if I take the rest of my vacation days? Honestly, is it bad?

On the other hand, I am so thrilled to have an end in sight for my thrice daily pumping sessions, thrice daily cleaning pump accessories sessions and thrice daily searching for a place to pump explorations. Hallelujah. I get to snuggle up to my Nugget, stroke his reddish brown silky hair, and watch him peacefully nurse all in the comfort of my lap. YAY! His teachers will be SO sad. They all love his fat cheeks, bright smile and easy-going personality, but tough cookies, ladies — he’s ALL MINE GOBBLEGOBBLE NUMMY NUMMY.

And then there’s Jojo — my super bouncy and fun almost three year old! More fort building, balloon tossing, baseball hitting, chasing around the yard fun with him. I’d like him in some sort of preschool setting, but I’m hesitant to pull him from daycare at this point, because he’s still transitioning to it. He still clings and cries and makes a heartbreaking scene when we drop him off, no matter how much fun he has. The daycare presents a preschool-type (full day) schedule, so I’m considering leaving him in for two full days a week. The cost will be higher than a preschool, but I’m nervous about pulling him and starting him someplace else. Will it be too disruptive? I don’t know. But can we afford two full days of preschool? I’ll have to check our budget (note to self: create budget).

Anyway, there’s good and bad in almost every situation, such as this one in which I find myself at this point. Will I ever come back to this place? Never. With the upper management in their current state, listening to the evil “Yes” (wo)man, and conveniently blind to this woman’s lies, cancerous personality and ethically questionable practices, I can confidently say “I’m outta here. FOR GOOD.” My time here is done. I’ve finally gotten my turn at being thumped, and I’m not setting myself up to take another one.

Now really… is it poor showmanship to take my vaca days?