Welcome to Facebook.
October 23, 2008 | Me,trips down amnesia lane
Allow me to re-introduce you to your insecurities.
At first I joined Facebook through a project associated with work. This was when you had to be part of a Network or school in order to join, and because it was for business, most of my contacts were work-related.
Then Facebook took off, and more and more of my friends signed on; anyone can join, which has been a blessing. I’ve reconnected with many great friends from all areas of my past. I’ve hooked many a friend on Facebook, and to those of you who will lose many hours to Wordscraper or any other crazy application, I apologize! But hey, at least we now know what each others’ kids looks like! Yay!
I’m embarrassed to admit that one feature of Facebook has me quaking in my white baggy vneck tshirt and cut off jean shorts. Oh yes. It’s like a bumpy, stinky express train back to college…or worse, high school (we couldn’t wear shorts, so let me think: Guess jeans and my big green Esprit bookbag. And don’t forget the bad perm.).
Well, anyhoo, Facebook has a feature to help people connect with others called “Discover People You May Know.” It displays in a sidebar people who you may know through their connection with another of your friends — sort of a one degree of separation.
My stomach lurched when Girl popped up on my sidebar. There she was. Someone from college, our small, small college, who got under my skin…who still gets under my skin.
She’s like the cute girl next door. Super nice, bubbly, friendly. She knew everyone and everyone’s boyfriend…not in that way, but definitely in the she wanted you to know that she was friends with your boyfriend. That she chatted with him at the party or bar. That she thinks he’s GREAT. And when relationships dissolved, as they did often in college, suddenly she was the rebound girl and she DID then know your (ex)boyfriend.
I saw her do that to several of my friends or classmates. I knew she liked my boyfriend — she made it abundantly clear — and even once said “when you guys break up, he’s mine!” haha she laughed, as she said it in front of several friends, my boyfriend and me, but she meant it.
If you hadn’t guessed it, I was majorly insecure in my relationship (ok, in almost everything), and when this boyfriend, my first love, dumped me, I was wrecked. The Girl lived in the suite next to mine, and it didn’t take long for me to overhear her gushing about hanging out with my Ex at the bar. Things happened, they didn’t last more than a hookup, and well, she moved onto other guys.
I was scarred though– maybe because the situation her habitual rebounding seemed unstoppable and was so very hurtful. She graduated, thankfully, that year.
I ran into her a few years later at a music festival in Chicago with her now husband when I was dating Mr. Squirrel. Ever perky, she inquired about my Ex, and I told her what I knew. I could tell she had no clue how hurt I was by her behavior, even though we weren’t best friends or even roommates. I think she considered me a friend…or at least she was always friendly towards me. Didn’t she realize her behavior wasn’t neighborly? Wasn’t nice? Maybe I wouldn’t have minded so much had she hooked up with my ex if she hadn’t been so forward about wanting him when I was with him. I mean, people move on. I know that. I expected him to date again (although at the time, I wanted him to re-date ME ME ME ONLY ME. I was desperate. It wasn’t pretty).
Anyway, her picture repeatedly comes up on Facebook. Would I like to add her as a Friend?
Does she see my picture and not invite me to be her friend? Might she not recognize me (definitely not my married last name)? Does she know how hurt I was? Maybe she never considered me a friend?
I don’t know. There’s a whole lot of hurt on my side still, and really…do I want her to be my friend? Reading back over this I realize through all the small talk, smiles and mutual friends, she was never my friend. Why, however, do I feel the need to possibly add her as a friend? People pleaser, anyone?
That’s college. High school is a whooollle other ballgame; one that’s still rife with insecurities. I only keep in contact with two high school friends — and one of them I just came into contact with again. My oldest and dearest won’t ever get on Facebook, but this recent re-friendship? Totally on it. I checked out her friends and sweet baby J did I get that icky high school stomach again. One of the first people I saw is a girl who came to our small school our first year in high school. I didn’t even know about her until someone asked me why the new girl hated me so much. Who in the what now?
I wanted everyone to like me, so if she didn’t like me before she even met me, then clearly, we were meant to be bitter enemies. And so that’s how it went for the rest of high school. Mature! And that’s the worst case. What about the people I just haven’t spoken to in 20 years? Do I want to reconnect? Do they want to reconnect with me? Why, after sooo many years, do I not have the strength and self-confidence to say “hi! It’s Stacy…remember me? Go Wildcats!?”
Do any of you feel this way, or again, is it only me?
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October 23rd, 2008 at 1:06 pm, Isabel Says:
Yeah, it’s not just you.
The time spend on facebook is like high school all over again. It’s very odd.
October 23rd, 2008 at 1:23 pm, Britt Says:
I have Facebook issues, too. I rarely invite anyone to be my friend because I want them to invite ME first. Silly or what??
I’m a grown-up, but Facebook makes me feel like I’m in high school again, and I don’t like that. I sometimes think that I’m better off not reconnecting with people.I even closed my account for a while because I didn’t want to dive back in to all the insecurities and emotions of those three simple years of my life.
October 23rd, 2008 at 2:07 pm, Kylene Says:
I hate Facebook. I have an account and I keep it mildly accurate, but I never go there.
My reason is because I didn’t have many friends in high school and college. And then I worked at a college after that. So I’ve got a slew of people who know me through those three institutions and all sorts of them try to friend me. But we weren’t friends! Some of the people who contact me were friends with my siblings and I don’t even have a clue who they are!
I just don’t get it.
My biggest irritation is, like you, people who like to pretend that we were friends before and who were really awful, like spreading rumors and trying to steal away my boyfriend. Nope, not going to friend that chick.
It is slightly comforting (in an “I’m such an awful person to think this!” sort of way), however, to see that she’s now like 400 pounds and divorced.
But yeah. No Facebook for me.
October 23rd, 2008 at 2:40 pm, Ree Says:
Not only you. And I can’t do Facebook. Well, I have an account, but I can’t keep up. Not even close. And with my semi-anonymous status…I keep my “friends” to fellow bloggers.
October 23rd, 2008 at 2:52 pm, Operation Pink Herring Says:
I really wish I could figure out a way to disable that stupid feature. I cringe at the thought ofm y face popping up on random people’s sidebars as “PEOPLE YOU MAY KNOW! HIHIHI! LOOK AT MY FACE!”
October 23rd, 2008 at 5:27 pm, Sweets Says:
I love Facebook but probably because I strongly adhere to two principles: 1) I don’t pretend that I’m going to be best buddies or fake a renewed friendship with anyone that I was never good friends with in the first place and 2) If people don’t invite me to be their friend I say “f!#k them and the horse they road in on.” HA! Aren’t you glad I’m one of your friends on Facebook Mrs. Squirrel? I thought so!
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:22 pm, Ames Says:
Listen to me. Click the little x by her picture, and make it go away, never to return. That ‘people you may know’ tool is the devil. If she was such an unpleasant person in college and brings back the same icky feelings, then you do not need any contact with her now!
That damn tool flashed a former roommate and best friend of mine at me for just long enough to make me feel all these regrets and feelings of guilt at how things ended. Finally, I decided it happened long ago enough that I didn’t need it to keep torturing me. Just x it out and move on baby! You will feel better
October 23rd, 2008 at 11:01 pm, SJ Says:
As a bunch have already said, it’s not just you. I have reservations about Facebook too. I have re-connected with some people that I’m cool with, but some I’d rather just not have anything to do with anymore.
Just do what Ames said, that might really help!
October 24th, 2008 at 6:01 am, Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah Says:
It is not just you. I just joined facebook two days ago and I see people in my sidebar and just scowl. I ran across my nemesis from high school. I am shocked that I am still mad, but there it is. I see boys I had crushes on and I get nervous.
October 24th, 2008 at 11:48 am, Susan in Va Says:
Wow, Stacy – I could have written this! You’re freakin’ me out!
I have all the same issues – I’m also VERY particular about who I accept as “friends” and I’m paranoid that the people who send me friend requests will get a message that says, “Susan just ignored your friend request.” Does that happen? I’m such the people pleaser, too… 
I’m with Ames – click the little “x” and make her go away!
October 24th, 2008 at 3:54 pm, Pefektly Mary Says:
I need help. I actually like facebook. I like watching the number of friends grow and get a sick ego boost from having Mrs.Cheerleader (who probably still can’t figure out why I requested to be her friend) as clearly listed among my friends. Even though now Mrs. Cheerleader has let herself go and is just as normal as me, I remember her as the pristine perfection of 1997 and place myself as her friend back then, rather than now on facebook. I told you I need help
October 25th, 2008 at 8:01 pm, smitty Says:
thank you thank you thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am new to Facebook (literally for one week!) and have already had bad anxiety dreams about contacts who I found and who found me. Was it wrong for me – a married woman- to ask to be friends with an exboyfreind?- also married. I got a pit in my stomach when I clicked the button… so I am thinking… yes.
October 29th, 2008 at 12:26 pm, Kristabella Says:
Girls like The Girl are not nice. It’s a rule not to date a friend’s ex. She was just clueless and probably still is.
Facebook is a little better to me than MySpace because not everyone can see your profile, which I like. MySpace is totally High School. It is interesting to see all these people on Facebook from high school, who are my age, and are still stuck in high school. Like when they tag me in a photo they scanned in from high school. Thank God for untagging!
October 29th, 2008 at 9:19 pm, Hollow Squirrel » Facebook…and the discussion continues Says:
[...] whew. I’m not alone! And neither are you! Most of us are feeling some level of discomfort with Facebook, and I’m [...]
October 31st, 2008 at 6:25 pm, Chelly Says:
I hear you.
The first thing I did when I joined was to change my privacy settings so that only my friends can see me.
Even so, two of my friends have a friend in common, a girl hit on my guy for months before she finally pinned him and gave him a very dirty, drunken “lapdance” at the bar. While a bunch of us were standing nearby, watching him try to get away from her without pushing her down.
I use quotes because the word lapdance is kind of a misnomer; essentially, she just straddled one of his legs and ground against it like a dog.
She left a large wet spot on the knee of his jeans.
I don’t know if it was pee or… uh… excitement, but every time Facebook shows me her picture and asks if I want to be her friend, all I can see is that wet spot. I’m just glad she can’t see me.
November 9th, 2008 at 10:32 pm, Hollow Squirrel » Facebook: Hiding Behind the Name Says:
[...] you tell I spend a lot of time on [...]
December 19th, 2008 at 11:17 am, My Buddy Mimi Says:
So I am waaaay late to the party on this one, but I was thinking about this post this morning. The people that pop up in my sidebar are generally those that are REALLY active on Facebook and have 100+ friends. I’m thinking they don’t care much about who is (or is not) their “friend” since it kinds of gets lost in the shuffle.