Allow me… to introduce me
February 17, 2009 | "project!"
MYSELF I know. I was being non-funny.
I’ve decided to extend the area of services I provide (to myself) by opening up my blog to your situations…situations in which you find yourself, and you wonder “am I the douchebag here? Could it be me…or is it really my neighbor (boss, husband, friend, etc.)?”
Far be it from me to toot my own horn (except ROOTY TOOT TOOT) (I love to toot me own horn) (and yes, I meant that in a m@sterbation joke kind of way), but I consider myself somewhat of a …
Douchebag Detector. Jackelope Huntress. Unfriend of the Asshole.
For the most part, I think I behave in a considerate manner and try to follow society’s rules so that we can all just get along. And then that dick at the grocery store has to go and stand in line with NOTHING in his hands, so I’m all “excuse me (jackelope), are you in line?” And he says “uh, yeah…I guess so…” so I kind of give him the “well where’s your STUFF dude…or are you stocking up on air today?” look. He looks kind of embarrassed and then he says “oh here’s my wife (with her ginormously stuffed cart).” I have an idea, asshole. Wait. Your. Fucking. Turn and don’t stand in line until you’re ready to go. I had to even back up a little to let her through.
Can you believe that shit?
If you’re reading this thinking I’m the asshole, well then you probably won’t take me up on my offer, but to others…should you find yourself in a situation where you’re not sure whether or not your hatred at your neighbors(‘ stockpiling their garbage on the side of the garage that faces your yard but they can’t see it and isn’t that convenient…FOR THEM) is warranted (hmmm…could this be bothering me?), then email me (at hollowsquirrel at gmail dot com) with the subject line DOUCHEBAG DETECTOR and please, let me know what is going on.
I will review the situation, post as much of the issue on my blog as you allow me and make suggestions for solving the situation. I may even contact you directly to learn your mental health benefits/co-pay and sign you up, myself, for a Jackelopes Anonymous 12 step program. I mean, if need be. I’m sure you’re not a douchebag!
I’d be honored to help support you with the douchebags in your life, so please, let me know if I can assist.
Stacy Squirrel,
Douchebag Detective…at your service.
RSS feed for comments on this post.
TrackBack URI
February 17th, 2009 at 9:57 pm, Rhi Says:
Um, I may have a “situation” for you. I shall email you post haste.
February 17th, 2009 at 10:15 pm, Ames Says:
I emailed you
I am anxious to hear if I am, in fact, a douchebag.
February 17th, 2009 at 11:10 pm, heidikins Says:
Oooooh, this is brilliant! I am so waiting for this to surface, I love when douche pickles are brought to shame.
xox
February 17th, 2009 at 11:29 pm, Sweets Says:
I love this idea too AND I also really love that you used Jackelope ALOT in your posting. I have long been a strong advocate of using Jackelope in everyday conversations (and blogs)! Bravo. I will be on the lookout for my own Jackelope type situations and will email as soon as they arise. Might I suggest you charge a small fee for your services . . . ah, say payment in Dunkin Donuts gift cards perhaps?
February 17th, 2009 at 11:32 pm, Sallyacious Says:
I would give you a scenario, except that based on the reference to your neighbors’ garage, I think you may live next door to me. Oops. Would it help if I said it’s my husband’s fault?
February 18th, 2009 at 6:47 am, Jana Says:
LOVE it!!! So, I might have a sitch…want me to email it to you?
February 18th, 2009 at 4:14 pm, smitty Says:
Ooh- that’s the entrepreneurial sprit! LOVE IT! Remember the other public service/ business venture “Another one bites the dust?” Can’t you hear the bass, now? Duhduhdut… dut… dut…
You need a song for this new service, too.
February 18th, 2009 at 7:21 pm, Eris Says:
Wow, I have a doozy or two for you! But I’ll have to think up how to compose them…
I also want to know what to do about that supermarket thing. I always keep my mouth shut and fester because I don’t want to start a right or get shot.
February 18th, 2009 at 8:50 pm, Hollow Squirrel » Douchebags A-Plenty! Says:
[...] « Allow me… to introduce me [...]
February 28th, 2009 at 11:55 pm, SJ Says:
Ohhhh, you should write a book about this. And include all the fun stories and your lovely advice to boot.
You’re a hoot.