I Good Colorer
March 17, 2009 | Things I Found in My Parents' Basement
Who knows how old Lil Me was when I colored the pages of this fantastically telling Life Story, but I’m guessing it was from Kindergarten. You know. That awesome half day of pants pooping* (tell me I wasn’t the only one who once brought home a full load in her blue shorts), rug sitting (extra padding…scented) and song singing. Good times.
Let’s take a look together…
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Go ahead. Judge the book by its stained cover. |
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This is the house I grew up in. Well, that’s what I drew anyway. I guess I was still in the all houses have two stories and a steep roof phase. Yes, our house was yellow…a yellow ranch.
But really, look at the layout I was given. I couldn’t draw the yellow ranch sideways and have the “Our House” label going up the side…clearly, my teacher projected her own 2 story house paradigm on her poor, ranch-style house-dwelling pupils. She’s lucky I perservered and don’t live in a yellow refrigerator box out back of the village convenience store. The question is…would I make my cardboard home a ranch or 2 story…we may never know. |
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Hi! It’s me, Kindergarten Stacy Squirrel, your six fingered friend.
Please don’t stare at my right foot/hook. |
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Meet my mommy and daddy. I inherited the three fingers on each hand from my daddy! What’s with my inability to draw feet?
I laughed out loud at the rendering of my dad’s hair, but then I remembered that it was the late 70s, so actually, it’s quite accurate. Can you see the manic energy in my mom’s face…it’s still there. I’m shocked I didn’t draw her with a vacuum in her hand. |
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You know what, Mrs. Kindergarten Teacher, not everyone has a pet. Some people have severe dog and cat allergies. I’m just saying.
We never had a dog…and I certainly never had black hair, which makes me think this drawing shows my best friend, Andrea, and her psychotic schnauzer, Fritz. That damn dog wildly barked and chased me every single damn time I played at her house, which, I can safely estimate at over 2,000 times (yes, I used a calculator). What? Is that even possible — how long did that damn dog live? Oh well, let me explain: Andrea’s father loved schnauzers, so once the first Fritz kicked the Alpo can, he bought another psychotic schnauzer. Lucky for me, both Fritzes were a-holes. |
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Wow…times sure stay the same, don’t they? I am STILL made happy by boats, houseboats, rainbows and “a suckers.”
Did ya notice how many “a suckers” I’m holding? I liked me some suckers, and even with three fingers, I could hold four. Gifted, I tell you. Gif. Ted. |
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My book ends on a dramatic note…what makes 5 year old Stacy Squirrel so mad?
Oh yes. That “one time I broked my pretend ship.” Yeah. That did I suck. I remember that. Ruined my whole Kindergarten year. |
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March 17th, 2009 at 7:51 pm, Poodle Says:
This little installment is AWESOME. I can’t wait to see what else you pull outta the basement. It’s like a window to your soul.
I don’t know why but I think your family (in your drawings) kind of looks like characters in one of those Gorillaz videos. ???
http://www.virginmedia.com/images/wallpapers/music/gorillaz_800.jpg
March 18th, 2009 at 1:32 pm, smitty Says:
Cry. Ing. is what I am doing right now. I take it these were the pre-guinea pig years?
March 18th, 2009 at 4:38 pm, Sallyacious Says:
These are fantastic. Are you shooting laser beams out of your eyes in that last drawing? Because nothing says mad to me like blue eye lasers.
March 18th, 2009 at 5:01 pm, Jennifer Says:
Wow, these are way better than my kids’ drawings. Unfortunately Pokemon was all the rage when they were young, so it’s all pokeballs and lightning bolts, all the time!
March 18th, 2009 at 8:23 pm, Sweets Says:
B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L drawings. I see a budding Picasso in your artistic renderings. Where, or where, were the donuts??
March 19th, 2009 at 11:58 am, Eris Says:
I am lauging my head off, thank you! I needed a good laugh today!
When I was little I drew my family with all kinds of imaginary older siblings and pets. I distincly remember the teacher being like “use your imagination” not “draw reality” so I was the only kid that drew to my imagination. Needless to say my parents were worried when “my family” was represented by like eight additional nonexistant siblings and a bunch of other non-realities. Stupid teachers. I was just too smart for them and their crappy metaphors aimed at four year olds. I wound up skipping that grade anyway…sniff…not that it still bothers me that the teacher totally lied…no…not at all…
March 20th, 2009 at 4:49 pm, Kristabella Says:
OMG, this is the funniest thing I have read in a long ass time! This was awesome! I was silently laughing at my desk so no one would ask me “what’s so funny?”
AWESOME!
March 20th, 2009 at 4:52 pm, Nic Says:
This might be one of my favorite blog posts ever.
March 30th, 2009 at 5:09 pm, jen from boston Says:
Laughed til the tears came out (perhaps they are on lone?)
“please do not loook at my right foot/hook.”
Didn’t the 6 fingered man kill someone?