-image-Hypothetical APB

April 30, 2009 | Uncategorized

Hypothetically, let’s pretend you order some products online. Let’s say you order three because then you score some free shipping. That really is the reason, which you know because I didn’t start the sentence with “Hypothetically…”

Then let’s say that the g.d. package hasn’t arrived yet, even though the company says it has shipped and OH MY LANTA if the package doesn’t get here tomorrow, the UPS driver will probably avoid my street at all costs since I’ve running to the window/door/street every time I hear him downshift on any one of the three streets within hearing distance of my house.

I was all “HEY ROBBIE HOW ARE YOU oh shit a package for my husband.”

Then yesterday…well, yesterday there was a new UPS driver probably because the crazed look in my eye scared Robbie into calling in sick or requesting a route change.

And this new UPS driver may have, hypothetically, walked up to the house while I was screaming at Jojo because MY LORDYLORD THREE AND A HALF YEAR OLDS KNOW HOW TO DRIVE THEIR MOMS TO DRINK (HYPOTHETICALLY) (EXCEPT NOT REALLY SINCE I’VE BEEN HAVING ONE BEER WITH DINNER FOR THE PAST 2 MONTHS BECAUSE ACK). The new UPS driver hates me since he tried to be all “Hello UPS!” and then tried to diffuse my anger with a “how’s everything going” and then I gave him the infamous Stacy StinkEye and then he burst into flames.

But before the Infamous StinkEye, I was able to score two packages…neither of which were The One. Or should I say, The Three.

So now Robbie is “out sick” and new UPS driver has turned to ash and NO deliveries today and SWEAR to SUDDENLY SUSAN if that package doesn’t come tomorrow, then it will arrive while my mother is here. That is all I’m saying.

Please…if you see a lost UPS package with my name on it, please please please hop on a plane and bring it to me immediately. I will bake you cupcakes (not EVEN hypothetically).

-image-Fog

April 28, 2009 | Me,random randomness

I’ve thought it was the last week in April for like 3 weeks now. It’s the last week finally, right? Geeeez. I don’t know what’s wrong with me except for the obvious. No, not sheer stupidity. SLEEP DEPRIVATION. And maybe some stupidity with a side of anemia. But that’s it. Three ingredients. One big disastrous result: moi.

Why just yesterday I dressed Nugget in the cutest little Magnum P.I. shirt and khaki shorts (mmmm meaty baby thighs) and sang the A-Team theme song for most of the day, with a tiny inkling that something wasn’t *quite* right.

Then there’s the CONSTANT inability to speak a complete sentence without losing focus and slipping into the “Give me the Filet o’ Fish” commercial song and muttering to myself that I hate the new CD Kid Bopz promotion and GOD DAMN IT it had better end soon.

And on a completely different note (see?), where is my UPS package? Shouldn’t it be here by now? Don’t make me run down the brown truck tomorrow, because yeah. Also? I purchased three because of the free shipping, at least, that’s my story.

-image-This Whole Twitter Thang

April 27, 2009 | Jojo,the homestead,The Nugget

is taking me away from this here blawg. I don’t know what to do. I should never have started.

Let’s see…hmmm.. what’s been going on? Let’s see…our front-loading washing machine is marking our clothing with some sort of mildewy/moldy stainage. That’s good stuff right there. If only it could turn all my dark jeans into acid-washed ones, we’d be golden.

What else…what else. Oh the chitlins. They are doing great. Jojo talks up a storm and cracks us up. But it’s not just us, just tonight my neighbor, between cackles, seriously asked if he was always THIS funny. I may start charging her a cover and two drink minimum to listen to him, because YES, this kid is a comic.

And look at the Nugget — he’s fast-walkin’, climbing and loves to eat dirt or food out of the garbage can. The first two things are cute. The last two? Welll not so much. But UGH what a love. I can’t get enough of him. He’s pretty much the most laid-back baby in the world when he’s not hungry or thirsty. One of these days, he’ll learn that wood chips and dirt are not tasty morsels, until then, I spend a large portion of my day saying “no eat. Yucky. Garbage!”

We’re also starting a vegetable garden in the backyard, and Jojo has been busy planting, watering and checking on the seedlings indoors. Nugget, in an increasing need to do whatever his beloved big brother does, also wants to help by repeatedly jamming the plant markers into the soil, tossing it all over the house.

The biggest and most fabulous news is that we’ve signed a contract to… hear the drummer get wicked… have the driveway paved! The only house on our three-block-long road with a gravel driveway will NOW BE PAVED so my kids can ride bikes in the driveway and I won’t have to listen to Jojo BEG to ride his bike in the street. Plus: um, big bad ass machines in our driveway!

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Blog Bizniz: I have two remainings cases for the Douchebag Detective…should anyone else be wondering if they’ve been duped by a douche or perhaps are one themselves, please email me at hollowsquirrel at gmail dot you know what!

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I had a long post about my quest for the replacement battery-powered personal appliance, but then I had two comments from friends who I forgot read the blog, so that was kind of embarrassing. Not that I need to be embarrassed, but ok, I was. Then I scored a couple of pervs on Twitter after a mention of my search, so I had to block them. People, one of the pervs had the perviest, nastiest, grimiest moustache. My stomach turns at the thumbnail of his face. Shudder. But back to my shopping quest… let’s just say I met the UPS man as he stepped out of his truck and was immediately disappointed to see the package was for my husband.

-image-Rhymes with Mastercates

April 21, 2009 | a girl's gotta shop,Me,Mr. Squirrel

Some creepy spammer left a comment after this post. It’s like they knew I need a new personal appliance. Did one of you send them? I’ll do my own shopping, thank you very much.

My last appliance was a gift from my now husband! Thanks babe. It lasted a good 8 years and cost him only $5. At the time, the shop we bought it at was mere blocks from my apartment. I don’t know where in this area I’d find a replacement, but I can guarantee I wouldn’t set foot in one of the sticky, icky non-windowed stores.

I’ll strike out on the interweb and find something new.

-image-When Not to Volunteer the Husband

April 20, 2009 | TV/movie addiction

I’m in a moms’ group and have been since right after Jojo was born. We have a Yahoo! group where you can email a question to everyone and get answers, recommendations, playdates or just impromptu park meet-ups.

This morning, one of the women sent this out to the group:

Speaking of hubbies who need to get out of the house once in a while: my hubby, Brian, is looking for a fishing buddy. He likes to fish, but has no idea where to go around here. Brian’s sociable, funny and easy to get along with. Maybe they can start DFG (Dads Fishing Group). For a good time, call xxx-xxxx. It’s springtime- we gotta get those men out from underfoot for a few hours!

Has she not seen Brokeback Mountain? Good luck with that.

-image-I’ve Always Said I’m Not a Good Leader

Uncategorized

But a good follower? That is me. It took all of 3 seconds after reading Isabel’s post for me to sign onto Twitter. No need to go through the archives to point out when I said I’d never Twitter because I don’t have the time. You’re right, but I also don’t have the time to do Facebook or masterbate, and I do both. Might as well make room for another hobby.

If you’re so inclined, you can find me stumbling through Twitter as HollowSquirrel. You could have figured that one out yourself, right?

-image-Consistently Inconsistent

April 15, 2009 | bitterness,Me,Mr. Squirrel

I post. I don’t post. I more miss than not. I suck…that much is consistent.

I spent a couple of days obsessed with finding the (alleged) decaying rodent in the minivan and now think it might be old, spilled beer from SOMEONE (HUSBAND) not rinsing out his beer bottles and then when I return them for my five cents and to save our environment, some spilled and HOLY SHIT does it still stink.

Do I even need to mention that the accused instantly blamed ME and my recent daily ingestion of Corona (with a lime)? Oh hell no, senor…mamacita rinses out her bottles before placing them in the recycling bin. Oh yes. YOU, dear husband, NEVER rinse. AND DAMNIT did that shit spill in the van.

Being a self-proclaimed fake, braggart CSI, I smartly discovered the revolting stench when I caught an unfortunate whiff of my Trader Joe bag that I use for recycling bottles. Anyone know if those can be laundered or should I just bury it? It is RANK. SEVERELY RANK.

Other things on my mind:
* The Nugget. I should really post a picture but I killed the camera today. No. Stop. Let’s play the blame game (yet again). I fully blame those damn Diego sippy cups from (gasp) Target. Fucking Diego cups can suck it because they leak all over the place and tomorrow, I’m going to burn them in a huge pile along with that Trader Joe’s bag. But back to my adorable 1 year old. Let me see. He says “mama” and “dada” and “dindin.” We don’t know what “din din” is, but Jojo now calls Nugget “Baby Din Din.” The brothers push trucks around the dining room table and screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech and laugh, and sometimes I get little tears in my eyes because the laughing (not the SCREECHING) brings me such happiness.

* Jojo. I may have already mentioned him, and yes, I owe you a picture of my big boy, too. He… has his first real crush. Well, he’s smitten with an animated giant, so I guess it’s his first real fake crush. Other interests include helping Mr. Squirrel prepare our new vegetable garden, collecting “Monsters vs Aliens” McToys, talking my ear off, using his “outdoor voice” inside and breaking my heart by trying to play with older boys at the playground and getting either ignored or told “we’re not playing Batman.” Having to answer his sweet “why those boys don’t want to play with me, mama?” sucked worse than that Mandy Moore/Diane Keaton movie. UGH.

* I started the Sookie Stackhouse vampire series after finishing the Twilight series and let me just tell you…I had forgotten that I went from a “young adult” series to an adult series until the first intimate scene, and it was like SHAZAM SEX IN YOUR FACE. Just to warn you.

* When shopping for Easter basket goodies, I bought a six-pack of full-size Kit-Kat (holy hyphenation) bars that were specially packaged in Easter colors. I used ONE for Jojo’s basket. ONE. I sat there looking at the FIVE extra full-size candy bars thinking what the heckola, chocoholic? I ate two, then I gave two to the babysitter as a bonus, and now only one remains. Not “only,” but my lands. What was I thinking? What’s WRONG WITH ME?

* That goes triple for today, when I hit up TJ Maxx and walked away with five kids’ DVDs and three Thomas the Tank Engine train accessories. We don’t own any of the official Thomas tracks, so the accessories (like the fucking FERRIS WHEEL, STACY, THE FERRIS WHEEL) don’t really have a home in Squirrel Island. Hmm. I actually bought them with full intentions to give them to my best friend’s kids, but holy heck. She doesn’t need more Thomas shit either.

* One of the DVDs I bought today (that we oh so don’t need BUT IT WAS ONLY $5!!!) is VeggieTales, which Jojo LOVES. He loves him some vegetables. Stories about vegetables. Vegetables to eat. Just today he took the cucumber I bought for the dinner salad and tried to eat it like an ear of corn. Did you know VeggieTales is religious? I didn’t know that until the first time we borrowed it from the library and suddenly the tomato was talking up God, and I’m like “what did I miss?” And when I say all this, I’m not judging, I’m just observing.

I suck. The end.

-image-No, That Wasn’t Me

April 9, 2009 | TV/movie addiction

No, you must have seen someone else watching this movie instead of napping. I’m sure later, after my mac-n-cheese + 2 turkey dog lunch kicks in, I’ll regret this decision.

Also? How is it that I’ve been Easter holiday shopping several times and still haven’t managed to pick up some fake grass?

-image-Lawsuit Bingo

April 8, 2009 | random randomness

How long until the first lawsuit involving a child or dog getting sick (and hopefully that’s it) from ingesting these candy-looking crystal smelly things? Seriously. DUH.

-image-6th Grade Squirrel…Collage Style

April 7, 2009 | Me,Things I Found in My Parents' Basement,trips down amnesia lane

I had to look up the directions for this assignment because the collage does not make sense. Hmmm, well it appears the assignment simply asked me to “make a self collage …showing your interests, experiences and favorite things.”

It appears I really, really loved fried chicken. Who doesn’t? I ordered it all the time from the restaurant my grandparents used to take my brother and me to. I think it was the giraffe. Or the lion. See, all the kids meals were named after animals. You’d think it would have been “the chicken.” But it wasn’t. They also had some majorly ridiculous biscuits and honey before the meal. And if it was your birthday? You got a free 2 story chocolate cake. Yes, 2 story. You knew I liked 2 story houses, but cakes? Oh yes. My mom always made 13×9 cakes (evident in the Stir ‘n Frost box pictured), so to have the circular 2 layer cake? Dreamy.

Back to the collage…One would think, what with three dogs featured, I love dogs. While I don’t mind some dogs at this point in my life, in 6th grade, I definitely didn’t like dogs. They jumped, yipped, nipped and chased me. So why in the heckola did I put three dogs on this stupid collage? AND THEN THERE’S THE CAT! WTF little Squirrel?

Some things make sense — the McDonald’s sign, Coke, the rainbow, I can do a cartwheel. And a round-off; I can even do a front walkover… not that I’m bragging (note: 11 year old Stacy would have had to prove that for you and would have been bragging). Ok. Maybe I’m bragging a little. Because I’m sad.

What’s with the little 100 rectangles? I think I just liked the pattern. I’m reaching here, people.

This clustermess makes a whole lot more sense when I realized what I had to work with in order to make this collage. Thinking back at the magazine stash available, all of these things came from my mom’s Good Housekeeping. Can’t you see it now? Doesn’t it make a bit more sense?