-image-Things that Bother Me about HGTV and TLC
April 6, 2009 | bitterness,I'm writing a letter,TV/movie addiction
I threw TLC in there because I realized the other day that I used to heavily prefer TLC over HGTV, but then TLC went away from home improvement/decorating shows, which I liked, to more family-centric reality shows, which apart from J&K+8 (which I was into for awhile, but I need a break from K8), I don’t watch.
Plus, they have that Bringing Home Baby show which just pisses me off. I caught it a few times while I was pregnant with the Nugget. Do any of these new moms get post-partum depression? I wish wish WISH I would have been on that show after birthing Jojo. The sound guy could have hung the microphone close to the bathroom door, while I sat peeing the sitz bath because the stitches from my episiotomy were ripping from all the bawling I was doing because I was a sleep-deprived, completely frazzled and insecure and in extreme pain from birthing and breastfeeding. Hot mess? That was me. But noooo. The moms are always tuckered out, but happy, and their families are coming over, delivering meals and taking turns holding the baby and no one seems to mind the razor sharp boiling hot pain of breastfeeding (perhaps my experience only). Not that I’m bitter.
Where was I? Oh yes, well, let me just wrap this up about TLC — you lost me when you went all stupid on “Trading Spaces.” You got rid of Mindy Paige Davis Page and tried letting the designers and some of the annoying carpenters “host.” That bombed. Except for Carter HotPants and AmyWynn, the carpenters were annoying, and I wished they’d accidentally wood glue their lips shut. I’m looking at you, Faber. And sometimes Ty. Then they brought MPDP back (yay!), but they tried to do some sort of therapy/drama along with the actual makeover, like having two feuding neighbors work on each others’ houses. Ok, that one wasn’t too bad. I liked that episode, but the one where the moms wanted their high school daughters, who had grown apart (read: one a cheerleader, the other not so much), to be friends again. It was beyond awkward. Awful. Terrible. And MDPD, as much as I love your little spunky self, you’re no Dr. Drew. You knew it was painful. You saw the writing on the high school bathroom stall wall. Anyhoo, as long as Paige is on, I’ll tune in every once in a while, but TLC’s schedule is too chock full of LPBW and J&K+8, that I never end up just having TLC on, like I do with HGTV.
While I prefer HGTV, I still have my gripes. I know…me?
1. Carter Can. Please switch the name to “Carter Can…and How” with some naughty music and play it at all times and have him lose the shirt.
2. I heart Designed to Sell. LOVE IT. Ok, I can’t think of a gripe with this show. I heart Clive, and well, oddly that leads into my next problem:
3. You take a show that’s working, grab the same cast of characters — except one person has to have a foreign accent — and film in a different city with a different show name. That just gets annoying. For me. If I were a hot Brit with some tv background, I’d fly my pale ass across the pond to grab a show. Brilliant.
4. All your effing improvement shows are filmed in the LA area. I have next to zero sympathy for people in the LA area. They already have sun the majority of the year — must they score all the awesome landscaping, decorating and remodeling gigs as well. Throw us East Coasters a bone new backsplash.
5. Like the adorable David Bromstad (Color Splash) and Kim Myles (Myles of Style)… send those bursts of talented sunshine on over to the east coast. Sit down for this: we have home improvement and furniture stores here, too…and lots of in-need rooms.
6. That goes double for Candice and Chico. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you only do Canadian households. You’re pulling in some serious cha-ching from the American telly, lady, so belly on down past the bar and redo my parents’ bedroom. And WTF on doing a professional hockey player’s basement and a bunch of rich people’s rooms (like the last room they’re too busy to do because they’re up in their immaculate home offices counting their money). I like shows that remodel or improve people’s normal homes…homes that haven’t been touched by a decorator or unlimited budget. ACK. I’m on a roll!
7. House Hunters. Love the show. House Hunters International? Still love it, even though you get more douchebag buyers. Sorry, but it’s true. I wonder if the young couple who relocated from Texas to RemoteTropicalIslandVille (not it’s real name) are thumpin’ themselves after having their first child. Goooood luck with that, asshats. I heart it, too, when people are very concerned about having a large enough entertaining space, but they are moving someplace where they don’t know people.
8. Cash in the Attic. John Sencio, I remember you as a dirty little hottie VJ on MTV, and that is why I cannot take you seriously on this show. I’m waiting for you to turn to a mirror and rip off your sensible hair and unleash the wavy sexy hair that I wanted to run my hands through in the 90s. Allegedly. But now? You look like a serial killer.
9. Decorating Cents. Go away. The end.
10. Design on a Dime. You’d think I’d like this show. I’ve tried to like this show. I do like Spencer. I like Spencer a lot. He reminds me of Minneapolis, which is odd because he’s from Texas. At the end of the show, I rarely like the room. It always looks like the room was redone for a dime. Like 10 cents. I guess I kind of expect a Vern Yip level of inexpensive remodeling…which brings me to …
11. Deserving Design. Vern, I love you but let’s cut the drama.
12. My House is Worth What? If you’ve seen the show, then you know there’s a lot of dead time where they pan between the home owners and the real estate expert and the host…and you’re just like JUST TELL THEM FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! It’s kind of like when “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” first aired, and Regis took like seven minutes drawing out the drama on the first question while you’re screaming at the tv and pummeling your head with the remote. I like the show when I have the Tivo remote handy.
13. Dear Genevieve. I wrote. You never came. I think you can’t handle the challenge of my kitchen. Oh yeah. I said it. You can’t handle the remodel. My kitchen’s wallpaper is too tough and ugly; the layout is too bizarre; the backsplash is too wheaty (yes, pictures of waving wheat…not so sweet). Never mind. I’ll find a real designer to tackle it. (note to self…reverse psychology roks!)
14. OH THE IRONY. I cannot find the show that bugs me the most on their website, mainly because it’s getting late and I want to hop into bed and cuddle with the spiders. I mean, read. There’s this show hosted by a man and woman, and they’re always outside and walking towards the camera, gesticulating as they talk and smiling like they’re on some seriously good uppers. I hate them. I don’t know the show name, because as soon as I see them folding and pointing and fingertipping, I turn the channel. BAH GO AWAY EVIL NAMELESS DUO! GO AWAY!
I’m sure I’ll continue this list another day. Until then, my crotchety self is nighty-night.
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @ 9:25 pm | 7 Comments
offered up this falsehood to my husband’s work manager: “Mommy eats garbage and daddy drives too fast.”