Archive for May, 2009
-image-A Peek at the Prize
Maybe you need an incentive? YES! THAT COULD BE YOURS ——>
No one has correctly guessed the answer to my Contest question: name my least favorite state.
Leave your (better) answers on this post (or that one). Wherever…just quit sucking at guessing so I can cross the contest off my list of things to do to get you people to keep reading.
This weekend, I thought I’d cross #2 off, too, but then I realized I said to “shut” my burrito hole and not “stuff” my burrito hole (with a burrito).
I don’t regret that “mistake.”
Back to the Making You Love Me One Cheesy Book at a Time Contest, I have two more questions which can also result in a similarly AWESOME book for your reading pleasure!
If you can’t figure out my least favorite state, then try one of these:
1. How many dead animals did I find in our yard this past week? Is that too morbid? Oh well.
2. Guess what I made for dessert tonight in the microwave.
See, those are pretty easy. Go to it, peeps!
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
9:29 pm |
-image-Why I Love Facebook and Blogging
Some call it Flogbooking. Those people are stupid.
So. One of my favorite bloggers/breakdancers, Jen, sent me this message on Facebook (where bloggers can come together and get to know each other’s real names…crazy):
had a dream about you last night. you were on American Idol as a contestant, and you sang a country(ish) song. You weren’t half bad, either. Simon said you were “amicable”.
This message of hope comes just hours after my husband rudely requested I stop singing in the car. Jojo, unlike his father, recognizes talent and asked me to continue singing. Well, for like another chorus, then “Tomorrow” was shut down. Sadly. Maybe I should try country(ish).
Yes, I think I’ll transition from Annie and Rent to Oklahoma! “Surry with a Fringe on Top” it is.
And “amicable,” Simon? Really? I think the word you meant was BRILLIANT. FAN. EFFING. TASTIC.
Thank you, Jen, for sharing your relevant and completely insightful dream with me. I will continue to follow my dreams of singing, uninterrupted in my car, without my husband shitfitting because I sing “too loud” and am “not at all good.” Whatever, hater.
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
8:36 pm |
-image-Not the Post with Bathing Suit Pictures
My advice to you: threaten to quit and sit back and watch the comments come in. Gold, Jerry, gold.
I kinda accidentally jokingly suggested the bathing suit pictures. I mean, come on. You don’t want to see that. No one does…well, maybe a perv into pasty white chicks with jiggly parts. But fine. I’ll do it. Just not today because I ate mexican last night and have a serious case of El Bloato. But I will, and then you will find your eyeballs burning and the coffee you drank on the way to work or the couch returning to your mouth with some frothy stomach acid badness and HA! Don’t take me up on all my bad ideas, peeps. Just don’t do it (foreshadowing).
I also offered up a contest! With prizes! I purchased FOUR brand not new kinda stinky books from a really really really really old lady in a used bookstore yestermonth and YES, I chose them solely based on their covers. And titles.
Be afraid. Be very afraid of the randy summer read you may find yourself in possession of. HA! Suck on that, grammar police…ending a sentence with a preposition. Will my evil ever end?
NO! Which is why I’ll offer up my first contest (of the three…I honestly do not think it possible to part with one of the books. You’ll see why eventually!). An awesome ONE BOOK prize will be awarded to the loyal HollowSquirrel reader who can answer this question:
What is my least favorite U.S. state?
First one to get it right scores a hott beach read and maybe even a cute picture of my boys to admire. Cuz I’m a giver.
BRING IT, ladies, and also? I’m trying to recollect my Most Embarrassing Moments, and there are two that top the list. I’m sure my bestest friends will have stories that I’ve repressed, so I’ll just use the two that my therapist and/or photographs have confirmed happened.
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
8:24 pm |
-image-What Do I Need to Do?
To bring back the tens of daily visitors I used to have here at HollowSquirrel. The (pretend) masses have left…was it something I said? Is the frequent infrequency of my mediocre posts driving you to other blogs? I just miss ya’ll. I do.
I’ve decided to allow you to choose how I should stage my Comeback (with jazz hands. Go on. Picture it)!
Should I:
1. Have a contest with awesome used book prizes I scored the other day at the Farmer’s Market (note: not books about farms or markets!)
2. Just shut my burrito hole and blog already.
3. Post a picture of me in the two swimsuits I’ve purchased this year to see whether I should return them. I guess that would mean I should post two pictures, not one picture of me wearing both suits. That would be stupid. Actually this whole idea is stupid, but maybe it will get me to do a sit-up.
4. Tell you my most embarrassing moment of All Stacy Time. Yes, the one from Mexico.
5. Too late. You suck.
Which would pull you back in or should I just shut this bitch down?
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
12:35 pm |
-image-New Rules Wednesday
Today I established three new rules for the Squirrel household. They are as follows:
1. If you think there’s any possibility that something is bird poop, do NOT touch the alleged poop. Ask a grown-up to clean it up. Let me repeat: DO NOT TOUCH IT.
2. The person who spent the most time with the children for the day scores the last beer in the fridge.
3. When you finish the box of Girl Scout cookies, do not put the empty box back in the pantry. That is cruel and unusual and will result in an immediate time-out (kids) or sex time-out (husband).
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
8:09 pm |
-image-The DB Files: Evil Stepdoucher (Case 107)
Shit. Sorry, Erin, this was lost in my inbox. I never said I was a good detective…
Dearest Stacy, Detector of the Douchebaggery of the World,
I am in need of your Douchebag detecting services. I have a bit of backstory to deliver and then hopefully you’ll be able to help me decide if I should be royally pissed at my stepmother or if I should get over my own cheap self.
Ok, so backstory.
I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease in November and put on a strict wheat free diet. This means no bread, no pizza, no spaghetti etc, unless it is specifically gluten-free. This sucks, to be sure, but I am feeling better and manage to eat without problem most of the time.
Enter my stepmother.
My stepmom is a nurse. However, she doesn’t understand the severity of allergies or other chronic illnesses like that. I honestly believe that she feels the sufferers are “just whining”. I have tried to explain that these are LEGITIMATE illnesses with potentially life-threatening consequences, but she seriously just doesn’t get it.
/Backstory.
In December, we went to visit my dad and stepmom. We got there about 5 at night and Mom said she had dinner almost ready. It was spaghetti. I asked if she happened to get gluten-free pasta and she said she didn’t think so. I pointed out that she would have had to obtain it from a specific area of the grocery store and she confirmed she didn’t do that. So I ate pasta sauce without noodles because I couldn’t have the noodles. The next night? Meatloaf with glutenous breadcrumbs. The night after that? Pizza. And on it went. I started “helping” out by making dinner for her and ensuring that the menu had gluten-free items in it because it was a longer visit, but I was still frustrated.
We just returned home from another visit to my dad and stepmom’s house and the dinner menu was as follows: Meatloaf, Pizza and Hamburgers.
I couldn’t eat any of it. This is not to say that I went hungry. I was able to eat most of the side dishes and otherwise was able to fend for myself.
Here’s where you come in. Am I being a douchebag-y stepdaughter by expecting that my hostess/Mom would have planned gluten-free dinners for the time that I was there or is she being a douchebag by not accommodating my diet? I honestly don’t know what side I take. In some ways, I can see that I am expecting too much, because I am only ¼ of her guests and 1/6 of the people she’s feeding during the visit. On the other hand, the woman actually said to me that “it isn’t like you have to do this forever.” Um, YEAH. This is a forever kind of thing.
Anyways, I would love your assistance in detecting who exactly is the douchebag. And I’m OK with it being me. Really.
Dearest… let me set you straight: you are not the douchebag. The fact that your stepmom is a nurse heightens her doucheability in this scenario. Perhaps she doesn’t deal with Celiac Disease with the population she deals with at work, but as a health care provider, one would hope if a family member were diagnosed with a disease, she would google it at least…it’s just not that easy to feign ignorance these days.
Clearly, she doesn’t understand the disease and what it means for you and your meal choices. Maybe she’s nervous that the meals she typically serves will need to be all together altered, and this might overwhelm her. Perhaps before your next visit, you could call her to discuss her plans for the meals and suggest ways to incorporate gluten-free pastas or breads into the meals for everyone to eat…and some meals don’t require a starch at all — my GOD, just have some roasted chicken, salad, and fruit. Bah. Done.
Have you thought about bringing over some basic information on the disease and common gluten-free items/substitutes that can be found in her local grocery store? A child in Jojo’s preschool class has this disease, and his mother already provided all of the parents with a 2 page informational on the disease and the promise to send us all a list of gluten-free snack ideas for the days we bring in snacks. Apparently the Frito-Lay website provides great ideas and options for people following all sorts of diets.
You could also offer to bring gluten-free items to include with the meals and help her prepare the items. I’m not sure how receptive she’d be to this, but hopefully you can work with her so you don’t go hungry and she doesn’t feel like she’s a short-order cook (which, I’m not saying she would, but I don’t think it’s as much work as perhaps she thinks it is).
I can tell you’re frustrated because she doesn’t “get it,” and from what you’ve said, she doesn’t. Yet. Does your dad get it? Where is he in all of this and why am I suddenly sounding so Dr. Phil? I’m not liking this. Let’s just get back to calling people douchebags– YOU! Stepmom — your awesome stepdaughter isn’t whining, and she WILL have to watch her diet for the rest of her awesome life, so buck up and serve her a steak and save the meatloaf (with gluten-laden breadcrumbs) for another night.
Also? I have severe allergies and for those of you who think I’m whining — you can suck my right sinus.
=====
More douchiness? Contact the Douchebag Detective at hollowsquirrel at gmail dot commmmmm.
=====
Shit, Jim. I’ve posted TWICE at New to Us.
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
8:50 pm |
-image-Guess Which Cupcake He Chose…
May 25, 2009 | Jojo
Oh no he…
did.
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
7:28 pm |
-image-Off to Target to Buy a Comb
The Nugget has got some serious bedhead and his brother’s love of apples.
FYI — my arms look crazy because of the angle of the picture.
WTF — did it seem Kris didn’t want to win Idol, like maybe he was encouraged to enter because it would be so much fun (for his wife), but then HOLY CRAP ON A STICK (AKA MICROPHONE), now he’s in the top 12 and there goes his summer vacation and now he’s the frigging winner and there goes his life as he saw it? Orrrr was that just me?
RIP? — for the past three days, a morning dove has been recuperating in our yard. It has hurt its wing and will only fly if it thinks it’s about to be swatted away (thanks neighbor boy). I don’t know what to do or do I just hope it recovers and flies away when it’s ready and before the neighbor boy annoys it to death?
NTU — that stands for New to Us, the blog Isabel and I co-founded (but I rarely post to). I actually HAVE A POST IN THE WORKS! Go check out Isabel’s sassy new bangs (like REAL bangs this time, not Kinda Bangs!), and then check back for my post. Please. It will make Isabel happy.
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
12:54 pm |
-image-SQUEEEEZE
There’s a lot of love in our house.
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
9:19 pm |
-image-A HollowSquirrel Book Club Selection
Feast your eyes on this gem I wrote in 2nd grade and feel free to use for your own book clubs.
Note: not only do I pen the amazing story, I also provide the gorgeous illustrations.
Shit. What happened to my shoes?
How many weeks will I be on the best seller’s list, I wonder?
Do you think they’ll provide me with a bodyguard for my book tour?
Maybe I should ask Jen for advice on handling the adoring public…
FOCUS! I think my comments are distracting you from the riveting plotline. My apologies…
birdseed and applesauce…wtf, Little Squirrel?
Check out those fractions, bitch!
Shit. Just wait ’til I post my book on Helen Keller– it’s hysterical. Or not.
No, really. I was obsessed with Helen Keller.
When will this nightmare end?
Oh thank God. The spoon’s new hairdo is freaking me out…but I did leave room for a sequel. Unfortunately.
The end.
Posted by Mrs. Squirrel @
8:28 am |
