-image-At least I can stop holding my breath

July 23, 2009 | Mr. Squirrel

My poor Mr. Squirrel. I just shut. him. DOWN. because his breath was not fresh. Of course, he only came over to breathe on me because I asked him for help fixing my STUPID blog database so that your Google Reader won’t show that I’m offering low priced pharmaceuticals. Cuz I’m not.

Then he got all huffy and huffed back to the other couch with his own laptop and suggested next time I hold my breath until he’s fixed the problem.

Good point.

In the time it took me to type this, I pissed him off again. This rarely happens, and you were virtually here for it.

So until I make it up to Mr. Squirrel or hear back from my hosting company, who I begged to help me, please know that I am not selling cheap pharmas on my site.

-image-Please Note: Jenny Has Changed Her Number.

Jojo

According to Jojo, it’s “867-309.” He just insists she’s dropped the “5.”

I can’t remember where we heard the song, but it’s been pinging around in his brain for a couple of weeks.

He’s even requested I sing it to him at bedtime:  “for a good time, for a good time caaaaaaaaalllllllllll…”

If you’re in a bathroom stall and note her number AND have a Sharpie handy, please update Jenny’s number. I’m positive she’ll appreciate it.

-image-Hey, I Washed My Hands.

July 21, 2009 | Jojo

Don’t get me wrong. My Jojo is a lovey — a considerate, kind kid a lot of the time.

He’ll spontaneously request or provide hugs and cuddles.

He loves to gently tickle, hug and kiss littler kids; and, every night, he asks that I come in later while he sleeps to kiss him and rock him in my arms (except he says “will you rock me in my arms?” and I haven’t the heart to correct him). (because that’d be difficult)

Jojo definitely adores the Nugget. And yes, he calls him The Nugget (or just “Nugget”). He refers to Nugget as his ‘best friend in his whole life.’

This past weekend, our family hosted a bbq for Mr. Squirrel’s work team, and after viewing our cleaned out kitchen, he told daddy he wanted the guests to come into the house because “we need to show them the wonderful kitchen!”

After grandma gave him a big ol’ bucket of (not so fun to step on) army men, Jojo thanked her, and then again, weeks later when I was on the phone with her, he excitedly asked to speak with her and then thanked her again for them. He also says his pleases and thank yous, although, sometimes he needs reminding.

When the time-outs and tantrums add up in a day, I can get easily frustrated and crabtacular. At those times, I try to remember the many great things Jojo says and does and remind myself that the aggravating behavior is age-appropriate and yadda-yadda. But really. Trying.

Lately, at these hair-pulling times, I remind myself of the supportive comment Jojo said to me while in the bathroom with me the other day: “mommy! That’s a great poopy. Good job!”

High five, anyone?

-image-It’s Sweeping the Nation

July 20, 2009 | Jojo

We don’t know where Jojo picked up this slam, but we’re thinking one of the boys at preschool. Every day, at some point, he gets annoyed with me and tells me to “bang yourself off the shelf.”

Oh yes. He did.

He can’t tell us what exactly that means, but he knows it’s a slam and gets this naughty smile that we know we should discourage, but it’s too damn cute.

Sometimes it comes in the form of a story:  “once upon a time, a boy climbed up on a shelf. Then his mom came in and she said ‘YOU SHOULD NOT BE ON THE SHELF’ and the boy jumps down onto the bed and he says ‘you go bang yourself off the shelf.’”

In all of his stories, the mommy is yelling. Honestly, I don’t yell THAT much.

If you think I do, well, you can go bang yourself off the shelf.

-image-An Incomplete List of Things I Wish I Had Done Before Having Kids

July 18, 2009 | random randomness

1. Make a concerted effort to stop swearing.

2. Sleep. Lots.

3. Organize photographs and put them in albums.

4. Take more weekend getaways with Mr. Squirrel.

5.  Lie in bed and watch A&E’s Pride and Prejudice all the way through and then take a nap, and then wake up and go out to dinner with my husband.

6. Make (i.e. have Mr. Squirrel make) a new thingy over the fireplace because it needs a serious chin implant, except it’s not a chin but you know what I mean?

7. Paint. The. Fireplace. It’s been primer white since Thanksgiving 2002.

8. Learn to sew.

9. Do something about the kitchen, and before kids would have been the time for a controlled fire.

10. Did I mention sleep?

11. Take off my bra, stand in front of the mirror and admire my firm, perky boobs.

-image-Halfway There

July 10, 2009 | I'm an Idiot,vacation

HELLO Detroit! Sitting here at the Motown International Airport and eating a diarrhea-inducing greasy egg and cheese sandwich, I wonder what my cute little boys back at home are doing.

I know what they’re doing (eating a snack at the playground) because Mr. Squirrel has already sent two emails (with leak-causing cuteness).

Little Nugget stood waiting at the bottom of the stairs, hanging onto the gate, looking for me. Then, when they all went upstairs to get dressed, Nugget dug through the sheets on my side of the bed looking for me.

It’s almost enough that I may about-face and find a flight back home to be with my babies– mama HERE!!!

It doesn’t help my guilt that JoJo has two burn blisters on his fingers from playing with his Cars bedside lamp last night or that he fell out of bed last night.

I couldn’t fall asleep after cuddling with him post-fall, afraid the alarm wouldn’t work, but then I was so mind-numbingly tired that I couldn’t even manage a shower (yes, that’s a warning to you, Poodle). I honestly just brushed my hair after landing here in Detroit.

Somehow despite the funk and greasy mop, I think I look more appropriate than several fellow travelers, such as the emo teen wrapped in a gargantuan Winnie the Pooh blanket. Really.

Oh yes, and right before boarding this morning, I got my period. And my new purse doesn’t have a cache of underwear liners (can’t do the p word) or tampons. Those newsstands sell tampons, thankfully – two stiff cardboard tubes for $2, and it’s always fun to have to dig through the rack for the ones marked with big SUPER SIZED ones. The young male cashier couldn’t meet my eyes, but that could be because I asked him if he’d personally recommend the product. Guess not.

Off to stink up the Twin Cities… Bon voyage!

-image-Purse Emergency

July 8, 2009 | a girl's gotta shop

Screw the economy and our barely bobbin’ bank account, momma needs a new summer-appropriate purse quick like for my trip to Minnesota.

I’ve been slinging diaper bags and/or my pumpkin-colored satchel all year, but I need something non-autumnal for the trip.

What do you think of this dreamy bag I picked up at Target and which I would have just linked to, but they don’t show this on their site. It’s pretty big, but it’s lightweight and puuurty in a peacock blue sort of way. The tag lists the color as “teal,” but when you search for other teal handbags, four fugly turquoise bags pop up. Big difference, Target.

So. It’s fairly trendy for my age, I understand that. But can I pull it off? SHOULD I pull it off? Is it too autumnal? What’s a girl to do when her only other clearly summer purse didn’t fare so well in the wash (and yes, it was Coach. And yes. I had to give it a go.).

Also to my friends in MN: I will not be bringing this vibrant orange shirt nor the $8 Wal-Mart nursing bra to your state, so don’t start with the lame excuses to meet up with me.

I have no excuse for the hair. Ok, lie. I have one good excuse:  my babysitter has the flu (or so she says), so I had to cancel my hair cut and color, so my apologies for the split ends and skunk like stripeage in the front. I guess you could say I’m having purse and hair emergencies. But I will perservere…perhaps with this bag? Is it back to Target’s return line???

-image-Cue the Whining Husband

July 7, 2009 | vacation

I leave for THREE DAYS early on Friday morning. I should REALLY have put money on my hubby getting sick before my trip. Swear to sunshine, if he gets me sick, I will beat him with a flaming hot pocket. I actually think it’s just allergies and possibly some sinus congestion, but I’m popping the C vitamin anyway. No scurvy for me, no sir. Not me. No frigging sickness for me. Not before my SOLO TRIP.

Allll by myself. I’ve caught myself grabbing books to bring for the Nugget, but WAIT, he won’t be on the plane! I’ve thought to bring the white noise machines, but WAIT, no one but ME will be awakened by my friend Poodle’s noisy upstairs neighbors…and I don’t really care! Go at it, horndogs. GO FOR THE GOLD. I don’t care because I only have to worry about feeding, clothing, bathing, and entertaining MYSELF this weekend. Weeeeee!

Yes, that’s right, dear friends I’m visiting. I will not be clothing nor bathing you. I may try to cut your meat for you, but just slap my hand away.  Unless you need me to cut your meat into bite-sized pieces. Or maybe you have carpal tunnel. Or masturbation wrist.

I guess I’ve forgotten to tell you:  I’m off to the Twin Cities to visit friends…friends I haven’t seen in I don’t even know how long, and I’m so excited I may just toss my hat up in the air when I get there.

-image-My Big Boy

July 4, 2009 | Jojo,random randomness

Did I tell you that he told me that he doesn’t dream about candy anymore. I found that very sad. But then he told me he dreams about digging in the dirt and playing with us. So I guess that isn’t so bad.

Just wait ’til you’re an adult and you dream very realistic dreams about your friend Jen that she didn’t really leave her job on her own; she actually was arrested for selling cocaine, and then she went to Hollywood and was in a really bad movie wherein she danced on a beach. She got lots of screen time, though.

Please note: my friend Jen is not a drug dealer nor has she danced in bad beach-themed movie, although she is a scientist and has attended a taping of the Rachel Ray show.