-image-Oh Yeah, What to Wear…

November 30, 2011 | Confessional

So tomorrow night is my husband’s workplace holiday party. It always sounds appealing, and then I remember that I cannot show up in jeans or pajamas.

Absosmurfly nothing fits in my weak collection workplace holiday party attire. We no longer live in a household where I can head to Banana Republic and pull something, sale or not, off the rack to bring home.

And, unless I can swing a homerun in the 2 hour gap I’ll get tomorrow while Nugget is a school, I’ll have to bring him along on the torturous shopping excursion.

During my solo trip to Target yesterday, I hurriedly tried on a couple of options, three of which were from the maternity collection.

I’m not pregnant. I am, however, carrying baby Fat Bastard around my midsection…but the (adorable otherwise) Liz Lange dresses did make me look pregnant, and I don’t want to risk causing Mr. Squirrel a heart attack.

I’m pretty sure last year, I made my husband go without me for the same reason I’m thinking of backing out this year — nothing to wear. I’m not going to do that to him this year, even if that means having to drag Nugget along, thereby establishing a hatred of shopping most men seem to harbor. Awesome.

-image-And We Have People Coming Over Tomorrow

September 28, 2011 | Confessional

I put off bath tonight because the boys were nicely playing together with big cardboard blocks. Jojo (mostly) built different airplanes out of blocks, and then they threw things at the blocks to destroy the “planes.” And, they’re taking it to the stage…

Jojo: MOM! Are you ready to see the show?
Me: Uh… Yes! Of course…
Nugget: You can sit here (arm sweeps to where he had been sitting)… there’s just a little bit of pee.

-image-This has happened more than once

March 24, 2011 | Confessional

Confession:

I discovered, upon exiting the house with the kids, that youngest had my blush brush and was brushing the brick on the side of our house.

When I got the blush brush back, I wiped it on my jeans and returned it to its drawer for use the next day.

-image-FOUND: The Third Duke Brother

October 6, 2010 | Confessional

I Facebook searched on my psychiatrist today. I don’t know why. It’s not like I would Friend him.

I mean, I would if he weren’t my psychiatrist. He’s very nice — a little overly quiet, but very kind, intelligent and he laughs smiles appreciatively at my jokes.

I think he’s probably very fun and funny once you get to know him. Of course, I only know him through my 20 minute medication management appointments. And let’s be honest — I do the majority of the talking.

Which. Actually. Is pretty unusual, I think. I’ve heard of a couple other psychiatrists who don’t allow talking — they’re there to manage your meds, not listen to your problems. I think the exact phrase was “I’m not hear to listen to you whine.” If my psychiatrist said that to me, there’d be a big “patient told me to ‘go fuck myself’” in my file, which wouldn’t matter because said file would be shoved up that doctor’s cornhole.

Nope, not my psychiatrist.

But seriously. His profile picture.

*sigh*

It’s like a 70s porn portrait — sweaty shirtless happy young man with mullet and moustache. Or perhaps he played the role of the unfortunately-edited-out third Duke brother…you know, not the one who got to slide across the hood nor the one who commanded the General Lee. The one who had to dive through the window to the cramped back seat. He was always snarkin’ back there, taking too long to get in and out and basically cost the network hundreds in advertising dollars and sporting the mullet and ‘stache that the other didn’t but WHATEVER, he just IS the third Duke. I’m calling Uncle Jesse and you can’t stop me.

Clearly, I had to mention it to him this morning. I mean, you don’t put that up as your profile picture and then pretend to be surprised when your friends (or patients) kid you. You’re asking for it.

Oh, and apparently, it was from 1988. Really? Shit. He probably wrote down that I’m a stalker in my file.

-image-Confessional: I Like the Soup!

February 24, 2010 | Confessional

I’ve been into soup for the past two winters. I love cooking up a batch on the weekends or throughout the day and having a steaming bowl for dinner with some warm bread (that I don’t bake). Let’s not go nutso, people.

A few days ago, I made this soup. It was reeedonkulously good.

After dinner, I popped back online to tag the recipe in my online recipe box and while farting around (figuratively, of course) (maybe), I read in one of the recipe’s reviews that the soup was modeled after The Olive Garden’s famous soup.

Me? Ms. OG Mocker vanMockerstein, cooking and devouring an OG-inspired soup? Oh. The irony.

I thought it might make some of you laugh triumphantly and raise your breadsticks in celebration of my pretentious foodie-asshattery. This confession is for you.

-image-Question Answered with Picture

February 20, 2010 | Confessional,holidays

Question: How did Presidents’ Week School Vacation treat me?

-image-Before You Judge Me

February 11, 2010 | Confessional,Jojo,The Nugget

Just know, for breakfast Jojo ate one red pepper, one yellow pepper and half a mango. I’m not kidding.

WITH THAT SAID.

As well pulled up to the Taco Bell drive-thru, Jojo turned to Nugget and said, “the last time we were here, they were out of bells!”

He was disappointed yet again. Can’t they just get some bells. My kid can’t be the only one that thinks his taco should come with a bell. Seriously.

And just so you know, “the last time we were” there was when I was pregnant with Nugget.

So what did Nugget say at the drive-thru?

“Mama? Donut. One.”

Sorry, kiddo. Wrong drive-thru!

-image-The Nugg: An Explanation

January 16, 2010 | Confessional,The Nugget

Lookee left, if you’d be so kind. That’s The Nugget.

I feel bad, and have felt much shame for months and months now, because if you’re a long time reader or have gone through the archives, you probably noticed that Nugget doesn’t get as much photo time as his big brother, Jojo.

Many second born kids end up with fewer pictures, in the house and archives, so I realize this isn’t breaking news. And in fact, we do take a ridiculous amount of pictures of the little guy. I just haven’t been posting them.

And now I will tell you why.

My friends, back around The Nugget’s first birthday something happened. Something bad.

That’s right…Nugget received a hideous haircut.

There’s no one to blame here (um, lie. I completely blame the barber. I think his name was Pure Evil.).

It was so bad that I couldn’t even post a picture to prove the extent of its sheer awfulness.

I thought all was going well… Nugget wasn’t whining, the back and sides were looking great — no shelf in the back, I thought the barber and I were understanding one another.

Seriously, it was all going so well and then in 0.2 seconds, he took two large snip snips across my baby’s forehead like he was trying to beat some unseen clock. WTF dude?

My baby went from an almost perfect first haircut to looking reeediculous.

No, really. It was that bad. A few people said he looked like a little monk or friar. Oh good.

I tried the Lick and Push on what was left of his bangs, but I could barely angle them. I almost used product.

THAT’S how bad it was.

Since then, we’ve taken him to another location for two pretty decent haircuts. I realize my baby has my husband’s hair, so a bumpy road he will have. I just didn’t want it to start so young.

Please learn from our hair tragedy — before they touch a hair on your precious baby’s head, cover all areas of the head within your consultation, especially the precious forehead/bang area.

Cute and Cuter

-image-Jackelope Spotting

March 12, 2009 | Confessional

At first, I smelled the jackelope… a faint hint of Degree anti-perspirant/deoderant, the saucy stank of the Wendy’s #6 meal, and the sickly sweet smell of spray-in shampoo… and then I saw her. In the mirror.

Oh yes. I’m a jackelope. Allow me to prove it:

1. I used Frederic Fekkai hair glossing cream as make-up primer. I don’t recommend this.

2. I bought a bikini today. Let me repeat: a bikini
2a. with horizontal stripes
2b. and ruffles.
2c. mainly because it was on sale, I had a 30% coupon AND the effing mirrors at the Gap Outlet are skinny AND tan. I swear.

Have you ever seen a pasty jackelope in a blue and white striped ruffled bikini with hair cream on her face? HAVE YOU?

-image-I’ll Be Honest with You.

February 12, 2009 | Confessional

1. I still have no fricking idea what The Matrix is about. Before Mr. Squirrel left on his business trip, he tried for the umpteenth time to explain it to me. I just can’t get it. It makes no sense. And there’s two more movies after the first? Oh my WHY? I can’t even get through the first paragraph of the Wikipedia explanation because my mind starts to go gooey.

2. I need a shower. One of my best friends came over two nights ago to help me put the boys to bed. After we got them down (and by “down” for Jojo it just means bathed, brushed and read to… he was still up and pounding the walls), she said “Do you want to take a shower? You look greasy.” Thanks love. Thanks a lot. Well, at least she can be honest with me, right? And yes, I did shower then.

3. I cut the curtains in our living room with scissors. And I didn’t just trim the bottom…I cut a good 3 feet off the bottom. I just couldn’t stand them pooling and cluttering up the floor.

4. I ate a toasted bagel with ham, cheese and egg and two doughnuts for breakfast today.

5. I plan on going to Wendy’s for lunch.

6. When I’m stressed, I gorge on food. When I’m angry, I clean. When I’m tired, I Facebook or blog.

7. I think that mom who just had octuplets is a high-functioning psychiatric mess. She’s on food stamps yet can afford to get french tips. She’s unemployed yet can afford multiple plastic surgeries on her face. I have zero tolerance for her or the situation she completely brought on herself and am just sick to my stomach that her children may suffer at her selfish hands. I rarely pray, but I pray that the only assistance she receives from the generous public goes wholly to the children and that she receives some free, SERIOUS mental health services because she’s a molten hot mess. Also? french tips? Really?

8. I’ve been so so SO super done with Grey’s Anatomy and wonder if Izzy and George remember what happens when actors with one successful show get all full of themselves and leave to pursue other options. I hope you have been saving your money.

9. I have to go outside now and chop fucking ice and carry ridiculously heavy slabs of ice out of my driveway because my driveway is already a slippery, mogul-filled, iceberg right ahead impassable disaster.