-image-The Mother of All Holidays — Contest 3 Winner Revealed! Can You STAND THE EXCITEMENT?

May 8, 2008 | holidays, friends

So did you redeem yourself? Can you hold your head high today? Or will we have a repeat winner? I can barely contain myself!

1. Smitty currently practices mothering skillz on her (d) dog named Smitty. Yes, human Smitty tried in vain to have me ditch the nickname I gave her by naming her puppy Smitty. It didn’t work. Now there’s Smitty and Smitty Jr.

2. It will take all her strength to feed her baby these, which she hates: (a) bananas. People, my bff h.a.t.e.s bananas. In fact, she probably won’t read the explanation, because just the mere thought of the yellow fruit causes her to dry heave. And let me tell you that when some pranksters in college hid numerous bananas all over our dorm room, she freaked out…and that was before the Great FreakOut of All Time when, a month or so later, she discovered one of the bananas (which wasn’t discovered the first round of banana cleanup) in her unused purse — a gooey black glob of nastiness. Oh Lordy…I don’t think either of those boys have procreated, and tis probably because Smitty went all Buttafucco on their bananas. I’m not sure she knows how much kids like bananas. I mean, if not hers, her son’s friends…haha. Should be for some good times.

3. Smitty most likely will not name her son after any of her ex-boyfriends/hook-ups. Select the male name that still has a chance: (b) Jeb. Oh yes, she dated a guy named Slade…for like four minutes. But still.

4. I wonder if Smitty’s son will inherit his mom’s fear of (c) spiders. Well, she’d probably freak out at any of the things I listed (and I not-so-fondly almost causing me to careen off the road when she screamed bloody murder when there was a bee in my car), but she really detests spiders. I’m not sure how she feels about spider monkeys, however.

5. Once Smitty has little (see answer to #3), she should remember to drive safely, like she DIDN’T do in college, when she received a random $103 ticket for speeding through (c) Indiana. 103 is her unlucky number, because a few weeks later, Smitty and Clark (see #3) fell through a plate glass window and her share of the bill, well, you guessed it.

OK, so eliminating one contestant who knew some of the answers unfairly (SORRY Sweets), three of you had two questions correct, but MichelleZ came closest on the bonus question, so WOOT, a new winner! YAY MichelleZ of The Zoromski Chronicles! Email me your address, Michelle, at hollowsquirrel at gmail and I’ll get a prizetacular package out to you!

Thank you for playing! I’m posting yet another contest later today on another mom-related subject which will remain a mystery because I have to watch Top Chef first. And consume some oatmeal Teddy Grahams dipped in Nutella. You think I’m kidding. I couldn’t be MORE SERIOUS.

-image-The Mother of All Holidays — Day Tres

May 7, 2008 | holidays, friends

You’re back for me. You can’t give up now…you’ve come so close to winning a fabulous prize.

Ok, so Day One theme centered on my mom. Day Two had to do with tv moms. Today’s theme? Moms-to-be…yes, women who are pregnant for the first time…such as my best friend, Smitty.

Yes, Smitty, you are the STAR of this quiz (SUPERSTARRRRRR!!!!)

Let’s see what you know about my best friend and mother-to-be… (contest closes at 3pm on Thursday):

1. Smitty currently practices mothering skillz on her…
a. cat named Scooter
b. dog named Scooter
c. cat named Smitty
d. dog named Smitty

2. It will take all her strength to feed her baby these, which she hates:
a. bananas
b. green beans
c. peas
d. sweet potatoes

3. Smitty most likely will not name her son after any of her ex-boyfriends/hook-ups. Select the male name that still has a chance:
a. Clark
b. Jeb
c. Slade
d. Marty

4. I wonder if Smitty’s son will inherit his mom’s fear of…
a. bees
b. snakes
c. spiders
d. lice

5. Once Smitty has little (see answer to #3), she should remember to drive safely, like she DIDN’T do in college, when she received a hefty ticket for speeding through this state:
a. Michigan
b. Illinois
c. Indiana
d. Ohio

TIE BREAKING QUESTION: How much was the speeding ticket from question #5?

There ya go. This one was easy, right? and now you know a smidge more about my BFF, Smitty, mother-to-be! Why don’t you go ahead and wish Smitty an easy delivery and speedy recovery! I love you, Smitster! And good luck everyone else (yes, Smitty, you’re DQ’d baby…mmmm DQ).

-image-SATC

April 22, 2008 | TV/movie addiction, friends

Yesterday I saw the trailer for the Sex and the City movie and can I just tell you my friends and I are already plotting which day we can get our butts to the concession stand for buttery popcorn theater?!

Another blogger found this quiz, but I can’t remember who. Sorry. Apparently, I’m this mixture of the women:

50% Carrie
20% Miranda
20% Samantha
10% Charlotte

I’d say that’s fairly accurate. What about you? You’re all Samantha, aren’t you, you saucy minx.

Are you excited for the movie? Please say yes and promise not to give away any spoilers. Ok? Deal.

We’re also planning another day for the Tina Fey/Amy Poehler movie, Baby Mama, — have you seen that trailer? I laughed outloud. I was going to link to the site, but it’s loud and I wouldn’t do that to you workin’ folks. That one arrives at the theaters this Friday. I have got to make it out for this one, too.

-image-Best Question I’ve Ever Been Asked

April 11, 2008 | friends

Why is Baby Nugget eating your taters?

Oh Ruby, how I love you.

-image-Mastitis blows

March 31, 2008 | bitterness, Me, friends, Ollie

Yesterday, after an excrutiating latch-on in the backseat of our minivan and noticing that despite the 70 degree temp in our house, my teeth chattered relentlessly…not to mention the painful red boob, body aches, and fever, I realized I may have mastitis. Oh yes, I do.

Last night, Ollie didn’t sleep at. all. I didn’t sleep at. all. Do you know what the number one recommendation to relieve/cure mastitis is? Cut off your boobs? Right. Yes, but second? Sleep. Right…good one. Oh that was funny. I’m slapping my knee. Can ya hear it?

This morning, I could barely walk without stumbling or talk without interjecting something nonsensical. Mr. Squirrel “couldn’t” take the day off (bitter? yes.), so I begged a couple friends to take Jojo so I could focus on painfully feeding, then pumping then trying to subdue the SCREECHING infant formerly known as “he really only cries when he’s got gas.” Yeah, I should just shut my mouth.

My neighbor called right after my friend, Nic, offered to take Jojo, so my neighbor took Jojo to Nics, then picked him up from there after lunch and kept him at her house until after 5pm. Of course, Mr. Squirrel came home early (2pm…some redemption on his part), but he assumed Jojo was napping in his room, not running rampant at our neighbor’s house (see…I was FINALLY asleep).

Anyway, I have an antibiotic (1 down…39 to go– let’s hope it kicks in IMMEDIATELY), am drinking fluids like a maniac (who enjoys drinking lots of water and apple juice) and am now off to bed. If this mastitis turns into an abcess, I’m giving up the breastfeeding, cuz draining pus from my boob sounds like a good quitting point.

My milk supply is noticeably dwindling anyway, which I’m rather annoyed with, since despite the pain, I’ve been nursing on the affected boob and pumping afterwards to drain it completely. Left boob, you’re letting me down.

My friends, on the other hand, are stepping up and being nothing less than I expected — fantastically supportive and assuming the role of ‘family.’ I love you guys.

-image-”A Bit”

February 20, 2008 | Jojo, Mr. Squirrel, Baby Making, Me, friends

Define “bit” for me, will ya, especially in the context of time, such as “we need to move up your appointment on Thursday a bit.”

I received that message, then forgot to call them to say “uh, hellll no that doesn’t fit my schedule.”

My appointment at the OB tomorrow was at 11:30. That would have given me time to drive 20 minutes to Jojo’s daycare, drop him off and make it to work around 9 am. I could then work for a couple of hours and use my “lunch hour” to take care of baby business at the OB’s office (20 minutes away from work).

BUT BUT BUT… my NEW time: 8:30!?! That’s more than a “bit” of a change. Crap!

I remembered today that I needed to call to see if we could work out a different time, but I called a bit after noon– when the answering service takes emergency calls and the appointment desk staff are at lunch. I wrote a note to myself to call after naptime.

I called again at 3:03…and guess what? The appointment desk only stays open until 3pm! So I have a completely inconvenient 8:30 appointment tomorrow morning. Blow me! Now that we’re into the pelvic exam stage of the pregnancy appointments, I am so not taking Jojo.

And since Mr. Squirrel can’t make it back from CHINA to help with this appointment, I had to call in my friend, Nic, who (in all her awesomeness) told me to drop the toddler off before the appointment. Thank the stars for good friends, right?

=====

Did you catch my comment that Mr. Squirrel is in CHINA? Like the country, not like the city in upstate New York. Not that there’s a China, New York. Anyway, he returns in a couple of days. But did ya see what I did within hours of him leaving? Oh yes. I’m nesting.

-image-Diagnosis: I’m a rockstar.

January 30, 2008 | Me, music! music! music!, friends

I made it through the concert last night without falling asleep or even checking my watch to see when it would all end. Not that I consider this hott momma someone who could possibly induce a concert coma, but in my current state, ya never know.

One of my bffs who now lives in VT and who introduced me to Ani’s music, drove over (after flying in from a work conference), and we made it together downtown to where people go out and do things in the evening instead of sit on their couch with their laptops and husbands with laptops and pretend to get through their Tivo list while actually blogging and reading about the Mets signing Johan Whoever.

This friend of mine is always up for an adventure. She never poops out on me (like me on her…figuratively, of course) and sees the exciting possibilities and fun in situations, while I fret away and worry about all that could go wrong and geez maybe we shouldn’t do things. Oh no. As soon as Alison pulled into the driveway, I knew we were off for some good times, even though Jojo told Alison, “Alison take mommy away.” It sounded even more pathetic in person, trust me.

Off we went, finding parking close by and getting to the show well into the opening act. I’m not a big opening act fan, so I was fine grabbing some popcorn, finding our seats, and waiting for Ani while listening to the singer (who had a beautiful voice but kind of moved around like I have been known to do when the yeast infection medication hasn’t kicked in and all I want to do is stick a hairbrush in my underwear).

Ani, needless?, amazing. And I love it that Alison had such a great time, too, even if she’s seen Ani in concert several times before. Alison LOVES music, honestly makes the best mixed tapes (ok, tied with this music aficionado) and has introduced me to several awesome singers throughout the years. It’s been years, but I’m so happy we had the opportunity (thanks Mr. Squirrel!) to do it again.

Ani played a boatload of new music and many of her old ones, and each one came through with such energy and passion and TALENT (yes, I’m looking at you poptarts with the no musical skills, tone deafedness and lipsynching). The show gave me shudders, in a good way. I even managed to endure the entire set without having to excuse my way past our row to hit the bathroom (which…hi… I really needed to visit).

We returned to Casa de Squirrel after 11:00, and my head hit the pillow after midnight. GOD am I a rockstar or what (insert pic of me playing air guitar) (oh wait, I don’t have one)?

-image-Finally — The Martha Stewart Show review!!

December 21, 2007 | vacation, friends

Your patience is noted and appreciated. Gee, I wonder why Frema didn’t want ME to guestpost on the birth of Freka… why, I would have gotten around to it sometime in January…

OK, travel back with me a couple of weeks to the first Monday of the month.

I came up with yet again another BRAZILLIANT idea for my friends — let’s get tickets to the Martha Stewart Show in NYC! We’ll take the train, leave the kids with our husbands and spend some time shopping, eating out and seeing Martha! Weeeee!

Ol’ Mother Nature tried to throw a wet, snowy blanket on our morning commute to catch the train, but we made it, and off we were…kind of in disbelief…we we really on a train on a Monday morning, without our kids, diaper bags and pockets full of diversions?

Reality set in as soon as the lady next to me fell asleep on my shoulder and the heat cranked up to Sweat Lodge level. I had to swallow my pride and strip off my sweater to keep from fainting — so while everyone around me wore turtlenecks or winter coats, yours truly fanned herself with an US Weekly while sporting a “Love My Belly” charcoal tanktop with jeans. I looked rather sweaty whoreish, but whatever. I was much more comfortable!

We made it to NYC and to our hotel, which my friend Nic had arranged and turned out PERFECT in terms of location to Martha’s studios and accomodating four women!

Besides Martha and shopping, our eyes and stomachs were focused on food. For help, we turned to my fabulously well-traveled friend, Poodle, who graciously and calmly directed us to two great places from her work desk in Minnesota. My GOD do I miss good restaurants. Not only that, but we were able to enjoy lengthy, relaxed meals where we didn’t feel the constant threat of toddlers on the verge of massive tantrums. Oh good GOD did we enjoy ourselves. If you end up at Otto someday, try the sausage pasta. I hearted the brussel sprouts, but I know they’re not for everyone. As for Mesa Grill, do your taste buds a huge favor and order the pumpkin soup and quesadilla for appetizers. And bring along a cooler with dry ice to order a bunch of stuff, box it up and overnight it to me. Seriously, I almost wept with joy at the yumminess of it all.

You’re probably here to read about our Martha Stewart Experience, though, so let me go forth and giveth. Tickets were a snap to score — you just have to plan well in advance, keep on top of her website, and be flexible.

Her staff communicates via email with straightforward instructions. Honestly, it couldn’t have been easier.

We were told to show up at least an hour and a half before taping started (at 10am). I believe we got in line around 8:00, with coffees clutched in our cold, wind-bitten hands. An email confirmation also gave us other information like what to wear, what NOT to wear, and directions — yeah, those are like the critical things to pay attention to.

See? Here we are in the waiting area, all wearing bright colors (no white! no wild prints! we follow the rules!!):

The woman and her granddaughter sitting next to me? Oh they didn’t read the email, or else they’re (gasp) RULE BREAKERS and did not heed Martha’s advice… I tried to distance myself from them as much as possible in the waiting area. However, when the show aired, I could definitely pick them out of the studio audience, so maybe they were onto something.

Here’s a picture of the waiting area, otherwise known as The Shrine of Martha. All bow accordingly. Since we were in the presence of the consumate hostess, bottled water and fresh-baked blueberry muffins were available, but I’d just horked down a scone or something crumbly from Starbucks, so I didn’t grab a muffin. What was I THINKING not getting one? That’s right — I wasn’t thinking.

So after waiting a reasonable amount of time, the warm-up comedian dude (Joey) came out to explain what would be happening. I don’t recall, really, what he said besides advising us not to take pictures during the show AND that we’d be leaving with more goodies than we came with! Score! YAY! I love me some free stuff.

We were then called in by ticket color number to be seated. Once in that line, we were asked how many in our party and then were sat on the set… guess where? Oh yes. In the front row!! I swear it’s because we followed the rules and wore bright colors, but then again, we were never seen on camera. BUT, we were closest to Martha (and the hottie cameramen) during most of the segments!

Here I am looking large and in charge (and possibly guilty of eating a small reindeer) and in front of Live! Reindeer!:

and the reindeer poop:

After the first segment, where Martha came out from the Potting Shed (nearest ME!!) pulling a feisty Blitzen, she took pictures with the official zoo handlers during the commercial breaks:

Even the reindeer knew enough not to dump until after Martha left the area…

Yes, the show tapes live, so my LANTA, tons of production assistants, camerapeople, assistants to the Who in the What Nows and other people flying all over for the 2 minute commercial breaks. Honestly, it’s amazing to see. I think a different person oversaw each of seven segments, complete with cue cards (”the reindeers’ fur is so soft…tell me more about it”) that Martha either discreetly glanced over or completely ignored. The best were the cue cards she completely ignored such as “WRAP IT UP” and “1 MINUTE!!!!!!”

She’s a pro. Honestly, the pressure of doing a live show like THAT, with crafts and guests who are crafting or cooking and LIVE ANIMALS… my GOD the unlimited possibilities of disaster loomed large, but Martha always held it together.

Almost everyone has asked me how she acted– was she a bitch to her employees, etc. I didn’t think so. You have to see a live taping to understand the amount of coordination and work involved. She’s the star. She’s in charge of taking the segment and getting across the information to the audience in a certain amount of time before the cameras MUST cut to commercial. As soon as the segment cuts to commercial, workers swarm the set and immediately surround Martha — touching up her makeup, delinting her sweater, fixing her hair, setting up the next segment (moving tables, moving cameras, moving cue cards, setting up crafts or kitchen stuff, soaking up reindeer urine, bringing out new notes, new cue cards, etc.). It all happens so fast and suddenly it’s 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 (taper the clapping…). Not only that, but Martha thanks her guests and takes pictures for her website and for the guests and mentally prepare for the next segment — always the calm amidst the storm.

If you’ve seen the show, however, you know that she does, in fact, have a sense of humor. She enjoys laughing and poking fun at people, and she improvised/made jokes in several of the segments which had her staff, guests and audience laughing.

And honestly? The woman is stunning. Tall and impeccably styled. The camera definitely adds 10 lbs. If I looked above Martha during a segment at the giant flat screen, then flashed down to her, the slimming effect seemed alarming — maybe I should say her cameras add 15 lbs.

Here’s a gorgeous picture of the crafting area of her stage… completely awesome. Gorgeous! I loved the light green decor surrounding the windows:

Can you see the pop-up books on the craft table? Two segments were devoted to these two amazing pop-up bookartists. We already own their Dinosaurs & Winter’s Tale, and then Martha gave us these three books fo free:

Yippee! Onto the next segment, where Martha felted these cool crocheted UGG boots…which we did not score. The next segment, I think, was the cooking segment with cookbook editor Judith Jones. Here’s a pic of the cooking area:

Martha LOVES Judith — it was very cute, but you could tell she wanted Judith to come back with her to her house so they could cook and talk and share. Judith, a tiny little classically dressed woman, seemed to be a shorter version of what Martha will be like in 20 years. Judith came on the show to discuss her latest book, which we also took home! Yay! One weird thing about this cooking segment was that Martha & Judith made these butterscotch cookies…which we didn’t get to sample. I mean, they didn’t actually BAKE them, but they did the prepwork and already baked ones were shown, but I have to admit, I wanted some damn cookies. Martha also packaged them up in some cute holiday way (which HI, I kind of again wanted the whole damn bag…or just the raw dough.).

But no. I’ll stop being greedy. The final segment, a short one, involved Martha making cute little reindeers out of candy canes. She cut it close on the timing, but kept her cool and talked well into the “signing off” music. Oh no you DID-INT just music over Martha!!

Martha then came out to answer questions:

I didn’t have the nerve to ask her anything, but she answered several questions (and again, was quite funny) before dashing off to tape a gift-wrapping segment at Kmart.

Then we all shuffled out and got our bags of free stuff. A completely awesome experience. If I wasn’t preggers and it didn’t involve so much daycare coordination, I’d try to get tickets weekly! If you have an upcoming trip to NYC planned, try and see the show.

Sorry it took so long to bring you these pictures. Also, aren’t my friends cute? We were all beaming afterwards…and that was even before we hit the stores & Mesa Grill!

-image-I gotta get some gratefulness out there

December 18, 2007 | Mr. Squirrel, Grateful Tuesday, Baby Making, holidays, friends

I’ve been feeling rather…bitter…lately. Not always. I do enjoy life overall, but I’ve been letting things get to me — irritation being the primary emotion of my life, followed by disappointment and annoyance. So what better way to combat these negative emotions than hop back on the Grateful Tuesday bandwagon that I unceremoniously unhitched from my Tuesdays a while back…

Hee-YAH back to Gratitudeville, peeps:

1. I’m exceedingly grateful for the safe birth (and safe mommyhood) of my blogger friend’s beautiful daughter! Frema and I “met” through other bloggers and came to know each other better before BlogHer, hung out at BlogHer and continue to email life updates between our small group of blogger women friends. Molly, Frema’s good friend & birthing updater, kept us all in the loop as to dilation, effacing and Frema’s strong mental state! It was all very exciting, and let me tell ya, there’s NO email better to wake up to then a birth announcement…even if I didn’t win the weight/time pool. Congratulations to the Frema family! Go over and congratulate her yourself! The baby is BEAUTIFUL, as is mom & dad. Mommy, here’s to a fast and painfree (as possible) recovery. Gentle hugs!!!

2. I’m ever so grateful for the health of my loved ones. Even though Mr. Squirrel claims aches and pains and general uckiness from a cold, overall, we are currently healthy. Just yesterday, one of my brother’s best friends lost his wife to a cancerous tumor which announced itself through an upset stomach that she put off getting examined because, hey, life is busy with two kids! Understandable. Well, a few weeks later, and this lovely, kind, positive mother, wife, twin sister, daughter and friend to anyone she met, has passed away. Life can blindside anyone at any time. Just a reminder to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you and to take your health by the horns.

3. My hubby scored some points by offering to help me cut out holiday shapes for our mom’s group holiday party tomorrow. I took the cutest picture of him concentrating on his cutting. I’m grateful for his willingness to help & the saved time I can now use to blog.

4. Also, even though I’ll probably NEVER receive the big stash of holiday cards I ordered, it only took one polite request for Mr. Squirrel to contact a bunch of his friends to get their updated addresses! Again, thank you, my sweet hubby.

5. I’m grateful that things continue to progress as planned with baby #2 (aka Cletus McFetus). At today’s appointment, the baby measured slightly ahead of schedule, but my OB didn’t freak. She does, however, continue to traumatize herself with memories of Jojo’s birth. I think she might need therapy. But, Jojo got to hold the heartrate monitor to listen to his baby brother’s heartbeat. Sigh. Love.

-image-The Post Where I Rant Like A Crazy Person

September 21, 2006 | Jojo, bitterness, friends

Oh, I mean THIS post, not yesterdays or well, any other day. Ahem.

The croup sucks ass. What sucks more? ‘Roid Rage, which apparently is a side effect of, duh, the steroid drops that I have to coerce Jojo into taking. My mom (a trained pediatric PROfessional) predicted increased crabbiness and appetite. Right again, Mom. My CIRCUS OF THE STARS is Jojo crabby today. The whining. Un-re-len-ting. This mommy is dancing on the edge. And not in a good Joey Lawrence kind of way.

But back to RantFest, version September 21. So I wait around the pharmacy yesterday for the prescription to be filled. My name is NEVER EVER called over the loud speaker to alert me to its readiness because my last name is unpronounceable. And guess what? So was my maiden name except for like 1% of the population who, lucky for Hillary, included the volunteer who called last night so with her accurate spelling of my maiden name (which I still use for my email account…I feel like I’m going off on a tangent here perhaps?), I chipped in an extra $25 bucks to my contribution. BUT ANYHOOOO… so I wrangle the Wiggly Worm Formerly Known As Jojo up to the counter where I receive a “oh yeah, your Rx has been ready” and pay for the medicine, magazine (addict. me.) and big yellow bouncy ball. Back into the car we go, and we head home to dole out the ‘roids and get on the road to HEALTHY!! Woo hooo!

Until I open the bag with the medicine and notice there is no medicine dropper. Fuck. I head upstairs to our stronghold of all things medicine-related and find no medicine dropper (I swear I registered and received one of these…damnit). Instead of getting back in the car or stroller to head back to the pharmacy, I call my mom. She, too, curses the pharmacy for not including a medicine dropper (and pissing off her tempermental daughter AND prolonging her poor grandson’s bout with croup-related nastiness — we’re very loyal — and bitter!) and then proceeds to tell me how to measure out 3 ml using a 1/2 teaspoon and some other random kitchen utensils. Thanks mom! I get the first dose in Jojo and contact Mr. Squirrel about stopping by said stupid pharmacy to buy a real medicine dropper on his way home from work.

Fast forward to Mr. Squirrel’s return home, where he shows me the two-pack of medicine droppers that the idiot worker found for him. Only one type of medicine dropper is sold there. And we “should really use the one we received with our medication.” Mr. Squirrel didn’t see the irony there nor did he then proceed to the pharmacy to ASK FOR A FREE MEDICINE DROPPER THAT SHOULD HAVE COME WITH OUR MEDICATION. So. Instead, he purchased two completely useless UNLINED, NOT MARKED IN ANY WAY, glass tubes with a squishy thing on one end. I could have just sucked up the medicine with a straw and my finger. I mean SERIOUSLY PEOPLE.

Soooo guess who drops by the pharmacy on her way to a “mom’s night out” gathering to get that damned medicine dropper and complain about the assinine medicine dropper selection (that I couldn’t return because my husband opened them even though I had pointed out their uselessness before the package was opened?!?!!?)? Yours truly. Dudes. They probably heard my angry stomping coming the second I entered the store. I was LIVID. I held my tongue fairly well and did not swear! Nor did I roll my eyes. I may have employed some sarcasm and a clipped tone. But I got the blessed dropper thingy and some mumbled apology. BAH. Stupid CVS Pharmacy. BAHBAHBAH.

And on other notes: No new Project Runway last night = great sadness at Casa de Squirrel. Por que? Did we do something wrong? Why must you tease, dear Bravo execs?

And the mom’s night out dealio? MY GOD there was this one girl whose stories were TOO LOUD and TOO SPASTIC and dear lord quit yelling VAGINA so loudly. Or at all. Oh. Yeah, that was me. I’m blaming the latte.